Another year, another deluge of leaks from major technology companies. In recent weeks, WIRED has been passed these pieces of personal correspondence by some of the biggest names in tech revealing their plans for 2019. We cannot guarantee the veracity of this information.
Jack Dorsey
Namaste and Pyeong-yang insadeul!
Or, as they say here in the mysterious, magical Orient – greetings from Pyongyang!
Status update: I like to spend my birthday exploring new cultures and challenging myself to be even better than my best self. And where better to stay humble and connected to the Universal Truths than North Korea!
Now, I’m not an idiot, I’ve seen The Interview; I realise that I’ve been invited to discuss the personal Twitter account of a fatuous, egotistical tyrant. But, as President Trump isn’t here (heard a rumour from State Department employee that he thought about cancelling when he was told that he didn’t own a golf course in North Korea and the deal-breaker was when he discovered that there is no KFC), I’ve found myself in the company of the continent's leader, King Jong-un.
Judging by his haircut, he’s quite the hipster, although I suspect he might not be fully focused on harnessing his ability to become universally connected spiritually. When we first met, something must have gotten lost in translation, but I think he told me that his father, King Jung-il never went to the bathroom – not once. Didn’t want to say anything, but pretty sure that this means that his sacral chakra is blocked.
I’ve not been here long, but my first piece of off-the-top-of-the-head feedback, is that everything they say about Asian service is true. That’s right – I have not had to wait in line at a restaurant or a store once. I guess Uber Eats and Postmates must be innovating in this emerging market: so great to see such a powerful real-world outcome.
And shit gets done when I need it to, meaning that there is much less negative energy interfering with my chakras. Working through the 26 poses in my Bikram session this morning, King Hung was a little strange. I told him how important the natural world is to me and he mentioned something about wild dogs and his uncle. I asked the translator to clarify, but I don’t think he heard me. The people are incredibly kind: the homeowners burned their furniture to heat the room for the session – don’t know about you, but I need a studio to be at least 95 to 105 degrees otherwise I just don’t get my post-yoga glow.
What’s interesting about Pyongyang is how they’re innovating in mobility – there are virtually no cars on the street and most people get around via dockless pushbikes. Ridesharing seems to have really taken off here: I’ve seen whole families on one bike and the military participates by moving large numbers of people around in the back of trucks. #multi-modal
Another area where we could learn a thing or two. They also seem to have solved the challenge of homelessness. I’m just a visitor here, obviously, but I’m told that people are taken to places outside the city where there are jobs. Nothing pleases me more than to help the government identify Twitter users, as they might benefit from this type of service – we get a lot of criticism for the real-world effects of our platform, but to be able to partner with a government in this demonstrates how powerful social platforms can be.
Once Alex Jones has served his “time out”, I strongly feel that I should introduce him to King Hong – these two mavericks are the kind of over-sized personalities that really juice the conversation and get people talking. As I always say, we can’t build a service that is subjective to the whims of what we believe, so it’s great to see bold thinkers like King June, Alex and Tommy Robinson expressing themselves, even if sometimes these influencer-orators are too hot to handle! Light the blue verified accounts, stand back and watch the fireworks!
Okay, that’s it. JD out. It’s been a heck of a trip and can’t wait for 2019’s healing and personal growth safari in... Wait for it... The dark continent! My quest for lifelong learning continues in 2019 with a trip to visit Robert Mugabe school of advanced governance in sunny Rhodesia, Zimbabwe, home of the African Fish Eagle – I hear they’re absolutely delicious!
Namaste!
Your humble celebrant, Jack, aka Bhadrapala (Protector of Goodness)
Mark Zuckerberg
Hey? Hello? Sheryl? Anyone there? Hello?
Hey, CE-Onorita?! Got time for a chitty-chat?
Seriously, hey, Sheryl, have tried messaging, WhatsApping, and DMing on IG, but no luck. Am worried that your voicemail might be full as it’s been several months now and think we need to shoot the breeze, you know, if you agree to my terms of service... Lol. You can have that great content for free, by the way...
Anyhoo... We should probably, you know talk about this whole privacy and Cambridge Analytica thing. Oh, and the Russian interference in the 2016 general election thing. Did you know George Soros was behind all that? Anyway, I think we need to make it clear to our users, or the Russian bots and elderly people who still use Facebook, that there’s a downside to misinformation and we take that very seriously and we’re working hard to take down all the untruths posted on our platform, blah, blah, blah... You know the drill. Yeah, I know it’s a yawn, but, you know, shareholders and advertisers.
Just playing with some ideas now: I worry about things like hate speech. They’re really bad things, you know? But, I wonder if the problem actually lies with government. I mean, when you get under the hood and look at government, I think that parts of it might violate our terms of service. If only they let some of us get inside, move fast and break things. Everything would be so much better if they let us build powerful communities and bring everyone closer together.
Look, let’s try and catch up soon. I know that your schedule is crazy – that next book isn’t going to write itself. Which is why I guess you deleted Facebook, so that you could, you know, lean in to the new book. Lol. Am psyched about the project. Read a blurb on another platform that sells books – you know the one – that it’s about how small changes in behaviour can have a big impact in the world. It’s easy to be critical of Facebook but, for me, it’s completely understandable that thought leadership like this takes priority over the nuanced issue of our distributing racism and malignant disinformation on our platform.
Anyway, completely understand that you need to stay focused on what you do. What the world really needs now is more of your ideation, because if Facebook doesn’t get to decide what’s good for people then, seriously, who does?
Anyway, hit me back when you can! Peace out, Mark!
Jeff Bezos
Top secret – restricted group only.
Dear board members,
As ever, I begin my annual letter to you with a reminder that our strategy always has been and always will be long-term. With this in mind, I’d like to address the future growth of our Prime business as it relates to both groceries and some aspects of our core retail operations.
What we have learned over the past year of running a tender for the next Amazon headquarters is that there is almost nothing desperate local city governments won’t do in order to feel the hot breath of Amazon resources on their collar. For months, we had resource-poor cities spend countless man-hours and hundreds of millions of dollars to compete for our attention. This was done in the, frankly, faint hope that our company – which has done a great deal to diminish the fabric of those municipalities through our assault on main street – might invest in those communities. (And, when I say invest, each of them was prostrating themselves with tax breaks that it became a little embarrassing.)
We’ve learned the lessons of that experience and today, I’d like to announce the launch of a new Amazon initiative – City Battle Royale: No Holds Barred. Imagine a world where cities deprived of tax bases, employment opportunities, infrastructure and hope fight to host the next Amazon headquarters? Sounds like a fantasy, right? That’s where you’re wrong. In 2019, streaming content’s biggest hit will be a no-holds barred war between some of the country’s most deprived cities, places that you’ve just flown over, communities where there isn’t even a Four Seasons.
Representatives from each city will be given a budget (paid for, naturally, via a deduction in warehouse workers’ healthcare contributions) in order to purchase supplies and weapons from Amazon. These will be transported via helicopter and drone to those cities, who will then be tasked with meeting the other in mortal combat. Winning cities will progress through brackets until we reach the final four surviving metropolitan areas, which will then have all utilities cut-off in order to see which city really wants our investment the most.
Prime will livestream the entire competition across the world in glorious 4K. Our accountants inform us that the make-it-at-home popcorn deliveries are likely to cover any cost we’ll incur that won’t be covered be city or state government.
Imagine the citizens of St. Louis trekking west to the Beehive State to take on Salt Lake City? Or the battling folk of New Haven humping heavy artillery south to Louisville, Kentucky? It would be a spectacle for the ages and one that would far exceed the billions in free media coverage we gained in 2018 for pretending that we weren’t going to site the headquarters in a city with world-class wine cellars.
I’m sure that you’re as excited as I am about this new venture. We’ll be sharing news of our 2019 schedule with you in the coming months. In particular I can’t wait to tell you more about our new show in which we work with Whole Foods and Amazon Fresh to restrict the food supply in some fourth-tier cities: American Cannibal.
Warm wishes for a terrific year! Jeff
Elon Musk
Team,
Space travel isn’t the only thing that needs innovation. Following the success of the Boring Company flamethrower, we’ve decided there are many market needs that are currently underserved in the field of pointless merchandise. I'm passing on the catalogue copy in case you might want family and friends discounts.
1. The Boring bong
Spend too much time playing Red Dead Redemption? Don’t leave the house because you have no idea where your keys are? Failed to complete the course at the local indoor mini golf club on multiple occasions? Know that everything tastes better when spread with cannabutter? Then the Super Mario bong is a must for you! Princess Peach will not be the only one in peril when you fire up this beast, which is sure to provide you with as many Power-Ups as you can handle! Once you’ve played along with the Boring Bong, Mario won’t be the only one attempting a Wall Jump! If your enemy is reality, then the Boring Company bong will is the perfect companion for those whose preference is to spend their evenings crushing mushroom-shaped simpletons!
2. Hyper-trunksTM
Highly qualified cave divers swear by this innovation in human-aqua-transmission transportation that makes years’ worth of costly, time-consuming training completely irrelevant. You’ll speed through deadly subterranean caves in no time with our patented hyper-trunkTM system. Can’t see your hand in front of your face because of the darkness? We’ve got you! Our machine learning-based bikini will ensure you’re flowing through the world’s most complex cave systems like you’re crushing the morning commute. No oxygen? No problem! Our specially formulated design doesn’t play by the Three Rules of Motion – just like our founder! Two-foot-wide passage deep underground filled with rising floodwater spoiling your day? Just snap on self-powered, data-led swimwear and you'll soon show those Thai Navy SEALs a clean pair of fins!
3. Pocket Volcano
Find yourself top of the explosivity index with the pocket volcano – your go-to source for viscous flow! Always wanted a magma source to help you handle life's tricky moments? The Pocket Volcano is your go-to glowing avalanche for those situations where faking an incoming call just won't do! Bump into an ex at a bar? Save yourself awkward conversation by having lava erupt over the hand-crafted Californian gin. Taxi driver not taking the fastest route? Oh-oh, that viscous liquid provides quite a talking point as it passes through the rear seat of the Prius. Neighbour's dog yapping on a Sunday morning? That semi-fluid rock just loves to eat through fur, flesh or bone, turning Fido into fluid!
Tim Ferriss
Dear Tim,
I’ve noticed that one of the many ways that you stay humble is to connect with yourself and to show yourself love at moments – during high-performance yet self-effacing workdays – whenever there’s a bump in the road.
I get that it’s not easy being a high-achiever: in order to have, to do and to be all you want, you must strive for more. You demonstrate every moment of your momentous existence that it’s not enough just to live, you must thrive. You have shown every being on this planet that the business of self-help is deeply profound, which is why you’re so ideally suited to instructing others, whether that’s the mechanics of the ultimate clean-and-jerk or the quest for the perfect mushroom tea. Profundity is something that you have perfected through a combination of being yourself and tweeting some truly insightful things that you’ve said or blogged – often while totally owning a totally epic workout.
The most difficult task that has been entrusted us by the ancients is to truly love ourselves and, in this journey for personal esteem, you exist on a higher plain to the rest of us. Your path to simple, powerful knowledge and truths about your own profundity is one that many simply do not have the understanding of their own selves to pursue. The world really would be a much better place if only people were as giving and nurturing as you.
A final thought: take out a loan to invest in your personal brand and you will never pay a cent’s worth of interest. For eternity.
Continued blessings on your enlightened path, Tim.
p.s. Tim, remember, the best way to stay humble is to tweet sections from one’s own book, or tweets from other people about how great your book or podcast are.
p.p.s. Remember: you cannot achieve profundity without being profound.
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This article was originally published by WIRED UK
