This article was taken from the September issue of Wired magazine. Be the first to read Wired's articles in print before they're posted online, and get your hands on loads of additional content by subscribing online
Malcolm Tucker's colourful linguistic creations have spread faster than a rent-boy's cheeks. Here's Tucker's X-rated guide to delivering the perfectly withering put-down -- so read the $%&# on, or $%&# the $%&# off
STRETCH THE METAPHOR
Tell your target they're "as useless as a marzipan dildo", or "about as secure as a hymen in a south London comprehensive". Above all, use your (fetid) imagination.
MILK POP-CULTURE
This one always works: "You know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard. And Eric fucking Bristow's on the oche throwing a million darts made of human shit right at you."
THINK BODILY FUNCTIONS
Be bold: "Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your purview and ram it up your shitter with a lubricated horse cock." Or: "I'll fuck you harder than Ron Jeremy and with less warmth."
SHOW YOUR REVULSION
Say: "I'd stop and chat, but I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes." Or: "I'll stuff so much cotton wool down your fucking throat it'll come out your arse like the wee tail on a Playboy bunny."
AVOID SUBTLETY
Tell them they've "laid a big fat egg of solid fuck", but before berating them, warn them that it "might be advisable to wear brown trousers and a shirt the colour of blood". Fuckity bye, then.
This article was originally published by WIRED UK
