2017 has been a year of data breaches. In yet another example, WIRED has obtained the New Year’s resolutions made by some of the biggest names in technology (and Julian Assange). WIRED cannot guarantee the veracity of this information.
In 2018, the following will be achieved by me, Elon Musk, as the universe continues to bend to my will: \1. A cure for all illness. (Estimated shipping date, June 2018, but it could slip a couple of months.) \2. Development of very powerful, durable claws that will enable me to burrow from San Francisco to Los Angeles in three minutes. \3. Establishment of new systems of democracy and governance worldwide via blockchain-based Soylent alternative. \4. Will turn the sky blue. (Estimated shipping date: imminent.) \5. Channel the popularity of fidget spinners. \6. Establish water-into-wine centre of excellence in the Upside Down.
2018 plans...
Day one: I’m thinking of moving. I know! I’ll have a global competition, and let the world’s cities bid for me, the World’s Almost-Richest Man, to move in. Wanted: must have good schools, independent book stores (ha!), and a favourable tax arrang–er, I mean… parks.
Day one: Buy McDonalds. With that and Whole Foods, we’ll have cornered most of the world’s food supply. Deny service to anyone who doesn’t subscribe to Prime.
Day one: Work on changing Bond-villain image. I mean, you put listening devices and cameras in everybody’s home, and suddenly everybody’s talking about boundaries. Boundaries are meant to be broken by innovators!
Day one: Make sure Blue Horizon beats SpaceX to Mars. That’ll show Star Trek for name-dropping Elon over me.
Roll-out roadmap for Facebook’s long-term commitment to well-being of humankind.
Emphasise my constant quest for self-improvement. Examples include: \1. Absorption of data points associated with the variety of human language popular in northern and southwestern China known as Mandarin. \2. Gratification achieved by attendance at live music events in social environments. \3. Seeking of ‘delight’ in globally popular participant athletic activity ‘kiteboarding’.
This may move needle on Cares About Us (CAU) metric – as research demonstrates that company intractably associated with my identity. More data needed on identity.
Identity initiative for 2017 = mixed realization. Made clear I was ‘totally psyched’ to participate in a relaxed Facebook Live content opportunity that featured Zuckerbergs gaining enjoyment from communal recreational activity. Objective for 2018: must ensure that cordial open-air grilling at optimal satisfaction time allocation (“Sunday afternoon”), location (“home”) with emblematic cluster (“family”) resonates with targeted demographics as drain on empathy systems is considerable. Processor speed affected.
Communication: Data demonstrates several options: Messenger, Instagram, WhatsApp, Facebook NewsFeed and Facebook Live. Human communication and identity best realized through best practice in these channels. Emphasise to human users that it is possible to “reach the people who are important to you” using proprietary means of communication. This includes segments like family, friends and voters across the ideology spectrum in key districts. Our algorithm will ensure that all verticals are tactically targeted more easily and more productively than ever before with content that bipeds associate with contentment or affiliation.
Reboot messaging: Facebook improves the lives of users through sharing. Sharing personal data good. Sharing opinions fun. Sharing benefits everyone when everyone = commercial partners. (Maybe delete last part?)
New product development: Push forward with suggestions from valued content creators in territories in Romania, Russia and Macedonia and replace House of Parliament with Facebook Polls.
In addition, I will ensure that the following data points are achieved by the end of Q4 2018. \1. I will ask 100% more questions of people and demonstrate interest in their words. \2. Authenticity. \3. Make friends with Ghostface Killah. \4. Pass Turing test
\1. Cut back on Stumptown Nitro Cold-Brew. \2. Develop small talk strategies. Explain to drivers why they are only drivers and I am wealthy and successful with patience and modesty. \3. Pass on, in a relaxed manner, my top twenty cryptocurrency tips for 2018. \4. Try really hard not to laugh at degenerates. \5. Travel more and get involved with animals, like Don Trump Jr. Maybe go to Africa or another country like that? \6. Show civic engagement. Write letters to the Mayor of San Francisco on issues that I care about, like homelessness. Why should I have to see their pain? \7. Think of even more incredible burns.
\1. Rise earlier. My current morning schedule: an hour of journaling, half hour of power lifting, 60 minutes of personal data analysis, surfing, mirror-gazing, wingsuit flying and meditation doesn’t leave time for mindfulness, goal-setting, Krav Maga, self-portraiture and juicing before paleo breakfast. Set alarm for 4:30AM, a full half-hour after full-moon trail running finishes. \2. Idea: Four-hour microbiome hacking. \3. Talk about Steve Jobs more. Find examples of his sayings and working practices that offer pithy, meaningful ways that offer powerful lessons for us all to go about our lives. \4. Truly learn to love myself. \5. Raise the bar on humility. \6. Trapeze. \7. Remember the words of the world’s greatest singer, Bono: joy is the greatest act of defiance. \8. Augment joy/boost productivity of joy.
\1. Galvanise the global community to protest my unjust and illegal imprisonment by the UK government. \2. Get fit. Ask Ecuadorian ambassador if TRX straps okay in embassy lobby. \3. Fundraising – develop the WikiLeaks Centurion card Oligarch Edition? \4. Visit all National Trust properties in the UK, eating a cream tea in each of them. \5. Release dump of scone recipes. \6. Positive affirmation. Write down the first three hundred things I did really well each day. \7. Work on open, inviting body language. \8. Polish reality show pitch.
This article was originally published by WIRED UK
