Best Gifts for Women Who’ve Checked Out of Planet Earth

Get her the Namii Clitorial Suction Stimulator & Vibrator. It’s tiny. It’s mighty. It’s hands-free (!!!), made of soft silicone, with five vibration patterns and five suction intensities. It’ll blow her mind and then blow it again. It even sits on a cute glowing charging stand that doubles as a nightlight. Gift the Namii to your bestie, or to your partner if you want to spice things up (any sex toy can be a couple’s toy with a little creativity).

The future of self-care is here, and it looks like a sci-fi horror movie. The Dr. Dennis Gross SpectraLite FaceWare Pro is on every woman's wish list, using red (630-nm red and 880-nm infrared) and blue light (415 nm) therapy to reduce breakouts, firm skin, and smooth out fine lines—all while making her look like a Transformer. It's FDA-cleared and comfortable to wear during the quick but effective three-minute sessions. It's also wireless, so she can do her skincare routine while doomscrolling, meditating, or plotting revenge. See more mask options in our guide to the Best LED Face Masks.

The BrüMate Togosa gets it. It’s a wine chiller, pitcher, or whatever you need it to be, because we no longer have the patience for single-purpose objects. Slide in a pre-chilled bottle, twist the lid shut, and let the BevGuard triple-insulation keep your drink icy without ice, condensation, or a watery demise. When the vibe shifts from pinot to sangria, swap out the chiller lid and pour in your batch of whatever (up to 49 ounces). The leakproof strainer lid also keeps fruit, ice, and other garnishes from pouring through. And because being checked out of Earth doesn’t mean trashing it, its lids are made from 13 recycled water bottles, some finishes are dishwasher-safe to conserve water usage, and the vessel itself is built to last for a lifetime. (If for some reason it doesn’t, BrüMate also offers a lifetime warranty.)

Therabody's TheraFace Depuffing Wand doesn’t leave my side during travel. It combines hot and cold therapy to tackle puffiness, improve circulation, and better absorb skincare products before application. The curved applicator and precision tip zero in on tricky spots, like under the eyes or across the jawline. The Depuffing Wand has three preset temperature levels for each mode. The cryotherapy is consistent throughout the six-minute session—plus, it won’t drip or crack if you forget about it in the freezer like traditional ice rollers. (Don’t put it in the freezer.) There’s also a little light that flashes at the three-minute mark to remind you to switch sides, though you’ll miss it if you’re too busy staring into your soul in the mirror.

Sometimes, the only way to check out is to beam yourself into another world, preferably one with juicier plotlines. This projector has 450 ISO lumens and 1080p resolution, with 4K support and color calibration. The gimbal stand tilts 165 degrees for projecting on walls, ceilings, or the back of an RV. The included hard-shell case is great for portability and easy storage. It runs for 2.5 hours on a single charge, and it's power bank-compatible, so you can watch from anywhere. Its AI-powered setup takes care of autofocus, screen fit, obstacle avoidance, and keystone correction, so she doesn't have to fiddle with settings with every tectonic shake. For more projectors, check out our guide.

Not everyone has the square footage for a full-on meditation temple, but this 11-inch wonder is compact enough to fit on a console or side table. The teeny metal sphere slides through sand, fabricating spellbinding patterns that lure your mind into a tranquil trance. With over 100 hypnotic designs and ambient light options, it’s a customizable zen garden. You can tweak the speed, soundscapes, or even commence a guided meditation through its companion app. It’s mindfulness made smart, so she can get some peace at least for a few minutes.

These Speks Odds Silicone Fidget Magnets are here to help you survive your stay in the stress-stricken simulation. Each set comes with three palm-sized magnets, encased in soft and textured silicone, that are designed to keep your hands busy while your brain zones out. I can’t stop fiddling with them when I’m watching TV and during Zoom calls. I can’t risk losing them by taking them outside, so they’ve found a home on my desk.

Speks also sells starter kits and gift bundles packed with other fidget toys. I loved the Moon Jelly Gump Memory Gel Stress Ball, until I handed it to my boyfriend for five minutes and he popped it. Men ruin everything.

The Deco Gravity Bong is here to defy more than just gravity. Handmade from thick borosilicate glass, this tabletop beauty isn’t just functional—it belongs on display. Aesthetically, it delivers an old-world opulence that makes you feel like you’re lounging in a 1920s speakeasy. It’s also discreet enough to blend into your glassware or home decor collection. It’s composed of four easy-to-clean components—shell, core, 14mm bowl, and a silicone gasket—that are also replaceable if something shatters, so she doesn’t have to shell out for a whole new set. The orchid colorway is sold out, but you can still find it in petal, baltic amber, charcoal, emerald, or clear.

The Everywhere Tote is for the woman who is going where the universe takes her. It has everything one might need for far-flung travels: a 16-inch padded laptop sleeve, a handful of interior pockets, and a water-resistant nylon exterior for when you’re caught in an otherworldly atmospheric anomaly. Available in elemental shades like coast blue, sea green, and clay pink—it’s at home anywhere, from the gym to an impromptu odyssey. If she needs to jet off on a moment’s notice, it’s got a key clip, a trolley sleeve, and an exterior pocket for her wallet and passport. It also meets airlines’ personal item requirements.

If we must eke out an existence on this planet, we might as well have perfect hair while we do it. The AirLight Pro (9/10, WIRED Recommends) uses near-infrared light, high wind speed, and controlled heat to dry hair faster, more quietly, and with less damage than most traditional hair dryers. It leaves strands 33 percent more hydrated and 59 percent smoother, all while using 31 percent less energy—which is more than we can say for most people in power.

It’s not cheap, but it’s only slightly pricier than a Dyson SuperSonic and unlike the Dyson, it’s repairable if something breaks. Bonus: It works abroad, so whether she’s escaping to a tropical vacation or an underground bunker, at least her hair will be fabulous.

If she needs a break from reality (or perhaps is scouting for new planets), the Celestron StarSense Dobsonian Telescope (9/10, WIRED Recommends) is the perfect gift. It offers some of the best optics you can get for under $1,000, and its Celestron StarSense app makes celestial navigation easy, even for first-time stargazers. WIRED reviewer Scott Gilbertson says this Newtonian telescope, with its two-axis altazimuth mount, is not too heavy or difficult to operate. This means she can use it in her backyard or haul it to a remote desert where she can pretend humanity doesn’t exist for a while.

Reality is overrated. Why not log off this timeline and into another? The Meta Quest 3 (8/10, WIRED Recommends) is our favorite VR headset, offering pure escapism in an untethered PC-free package. It's lighter and comfier than its predecessor, with better visuals, improved object detection, and hand tracking. According to WIRED contributor Matt Kamen, the metaverse is pretty much a ghost town … which is great for us; the fewer dudes, the better. Come to think of it, how cool would it be if we did take over the metaverse? We could call it the FemmeVerse. (All right, I'll keep brainstorming.)

Walking home alone at night on this planet is an absolute nightmare. If she can’t teleport away from creeps, she can at least blast a 130-decibel siren and flashing strobe light in their direction. The Birdie is a small but mighty alarm that will (hopefully) deter attackers and alert anyone nearby for help.

I’ve used the original model for over a year (see my thoughts in my guide to the Best Personal Safety Alarms), and it’s given me peace of mind whenever I’m walking solo. The Birdie+, which I have yet to test, adds some useful features like location sharing, emergency support, and even a fake call function for a quick exit strategy. Plus, it comes in the cutest patterns. My one caveat is that this wouldn't be my first choice as a birthday gift, as it's kind of a downer.

If she’s training for a marathon, tracking her stress cycles, or just wants hard data to justify why she feels like garbage, the Oura Ring 4 (9/10, WIRED Recommends) is the most stylish health tracker out there. Packed with advanced sensors, it monitors heart rate, skin temperature, sleep quality, and stress levels. WIRED editor Adrienne So has worn one for years, and it remains one of the only wearables that can reliably predict her menstrual cycle. Plus, it works with both Android and iOS, so she’s not locked into a single tech ecosystem.

She’s been carrying the weight of the world for far too long. The Hyperice Venom 2 Back melts away tension with targeted heat and vibration therapy. With three heat levels (up to 131 degrees Fahrenheit) and three vibration settings, it stimulates circulation, loosens tight muscles in the lower back, and offers relief when you’re sitting at your desk for eight hours trying not to scream. It also doubles as a soothing heat pad for period cramps. Best of all, it automatically shuts off, so she can zone out without worrying about turning it off. Check out some other options in our guide to the Best Massagers.

Yes, you read that right. The LARQ Bottle PureVis (as seen in our guide to the Best Reusable Water Bottles) is a self-cleaning, reusable water bottle that uses UV-C light to sterilize itself every two hours. No more moldy smells, biofilm buildup, or questionable aftertastes. It’s double-insulated BPA-free stainless steel and the charge lasts three weeks—so she doesn’t have to worry about germs while she’s fighting the patriarchy. The PureVis 2 also includes a filter, but it tends to slip off inside the bottle, so I can go without it.

The Therabody SleepMask is a game-changer during flights. Where else would I have to block out every living being than the airport? I can confirm it is 99.9 percent (is anything ever 100?) effective at blocking light. The standout feature, though, is that it uses three vibration patterns designed to lull you into a deeper sleep. The contoured padding feels like pillows on my eyelids, and the adjustable strap keeps it in place without tugging at my hair. I tend to wake up multiple times at night, but with the SleepMask, I can just turn on another session of the vibration, and it usually puts me back to sleep.

She may not be able to move to another planet, but she can build a 3D model of the Milky Way from the comfort of her home. This 3,000-ish piece LEGO set recreates the spiral galaxy, turning our jumbled universe into galactic home decor. The finished piece can be mounted on the wall as a daily reminder that Earth is just one of billions of planets we believe exist—surely, at least one of them has better men.