While You Were Offline: Wonder Woman Comes Out and Portland Turns on Portlandia

If there's one thing we can all learn from the Internet in 2016, it's that things will continue to move faster, and be stranger, than anyone could have ever imagined. With everything moving at such a quick pace, many things can fall through the cracks—will anyone even remember that Sept. 30 was International Podcast Day this time next week?—or end up contradicted, replaced, and turned into several confused memes by the time lunch comes around. Consider this a public service, then, for those who've been busy having an actual life this week. Here, social friends, are some things you might have missed from the past seven days' worth of world wide webbery.

What Happened: In case you thought that the current presidential election cycle couldn't seem any more like a trashy, underwritten TV show, watch what happens when one candidate suggests their followers check out a sex tape. No, really.
Where It Blew Up: Twitter, media reports
What Really Happened: In a demonstration of just how surreal the national discourse in America has become, the two takeaways from Monday's first presidential debate were the amount of sniffs made by Donald Trump and the fact that Trump insulted a Miss Universe winner... and then continued to do so after the debate was over. By Friday, though, Trump's attacks on Miss Universe went in a genuinely unexpected direction:

"Check out sex tape"? That was a new twist, and one that immediately caught the attention of a surprised media that couldn't believe that a presidential candidate recommended supporters watch a sex tape.

Twitter, as you might expect, went wild:

The Takeaway: The Twitter account that enjoyed the sex tape accusation more than any other? No, not @SexTapeTrump (which exists, because of course it does), but Hillary Clinton:

What Happened: Tim Burton's commentary on why his movies don't need more people of color didn't exactly ring true to the Internet.
Where It Blew Up: Twitter, media reports
What Really Happened: If there's one thing that Tim Burton isn't known for, it's diversity in his movies—not only in tone and aesthetic, but also, sadly, in terms of the racial make-up of his actors. That's something that Bustle asked him about, and his answer was... less than promising.

"Nowadays, people are talking about [diversity] more," he said. "Things either call for things, or they don’t. I remember back when I was a child watching The Brady Bunch and they started to get all politically correct. Like, OK, let’s have an Asian child and a black. I used to get more offended by that than just... I grew up watching blaxploitation movies, right? And I said, that’s great. I didn’t go like, OK, there should be more white people in these movies."

Unsurprisingly, his comments were quickly shared and shamed. Twitter was equally unforgiving:

The Takeaway: Then again, perhaps we're just expecting too much from Burton, given his body of work to date…

What Happened: After 75 years of speculation, the current Wonder Woman comic writer has finally confirmed it: Of course the character has relationships with women.
Where It Blew Up: Twitter, media reports
What Really Happened: In news that might not surprise anyone who's either reading the current Wonder Woman comic or, you know, ever thought about how the female-only Paradise Island would work as a society, writer Greg Rucka confirmed that, yes, Wonder Woman is queer in an interview this week, saying, "Now, are we saying Diana has been in love and had relationships with other women? As Nicola [Scott, artist on the series] and I approach it, the answer is obviously yes."

Given that DC Entertainment is currently promoting the character ahead of her movie next year, this confirmation was something that was speedily and excitedly shared across the Internet, as you might expect.

As certain parts of the Internet responded with the anger and disbelief that only comes from realizing that not everything is intended for an audience of straight white men, Twitter took to the ramparts for a reality check or two:

The Takeaway: Patton Oswalt spoke for the fans who were left disoriented and dazed by the confirmation. Let them keep their fragile dreams…

What Happened: It's finally happened; Portland has turned on IFC's Portlandia. Or, at least, one very important store has.
Where It Blew Up: Twitter, media reports
What Really Happened: In news that few saw coming, the Portland bookstore In Other Words—which served as the setting and inspiration for Portlandia's feminist bookstore sketches—turned on the show this week, releasing an online statement called, subtly, "Fuck Portlandia". The statement took the show to task for many things, from its business practices (apparently, production was messy and disruptive and didn't make up the revenue for lost sales) to being both transphobic and racist.

"'LOL Fred Armisen in a wig and a dress' is a deeply shitty joke whose sole punchline throws trans femmes under the bus by holding up their gender presentation for mockery and ridicule. In a world where trans femmes—particularly Black trans women—are being brutalized and murdered on a regular basis for simply daring to exist, dude in a dress jokes are lazy, reactionary, and actively harmful. They’re also just straight up not funny." Additionally, the statement read, "the last time the show filmed in our space, the production crew asked to us to remove the Black Lives Matter sign on our window. We refused."

Of course, the statement was shared across the Internet, as should be expected.

The Twitterati found itself divided about the news, unsure which side to move towards:

The Takeaway: However, is everyone concentrating on the wrong problem?

What Happened: Teddy Ruxpin is back, and amazingly, somehow creepier than before. Genuinely, who saw that coming?
Where It Blew Up: Twitter, media reports
What Really Happened: Look, there's no good way to put this: Teddy Ruxpin, the animatronic bear behind the nightmares of many children of the 1980s, is back. And somehow, he's even scarier?

On the one hand, we feel like screaming Look at his eyes! Look at his eyes! would be overly melodramatic, but on the other hand, We're not alone in our horror. Not at all:

The Takeaway: If nothing else, now a new generation will be able to share the involuntary shudder that comes from hearing the name "Ruxpin." Seriously. It even sounds demonic.