While You Were Offline: Hillary Wins the Internet. Also: Beyoncé Sneezed, You Guys

This has been a historic week, no matter how you look at it. The United States has (more or less) its first female nominee for the highest office in the land, which is a genuinely landmark moment in the nation's development, Roseanne Barr revealed herself to be someone the sitcom Roseanne would make fun of, and Mel Gibson announced plans to make a sequel to The Passion of the Christ, all about Easter. What more could you want from this week? Well, if those were your takeaways from the past seven days, you really need to hold onto your metaphorical hats; there's a lot that you've missed. Here, let me take you down the avenue of world wide webbery to let you discover all new magic.

What Happened: Hillary Clinton spoke in a language the Internet understood when responding to Donald Trump. Turns out, that was a good move on her part.
Where It Blew Up: Twitter, media think pieces
What Really Happened: So, sure: Hillary Clinton was having a good Thursday. She had, just two days earlier, finally clinched the presumptive Democratic nomination for president, and Thursday saw President Barack Obama endorse her campaign via YouTube video. So things were going well in Clintonworld... and then Republican presumptive nominee Donald Trump tried to rain on her parade:

The Clinton team's response?

Oh, you'd better believe that the Internet en masse enjoyed that one.

Others were less into pure celebration of Clinton's supposed bad-assery than they were interested in putting the exchange into a historical context:

The excitement over the tweet wasn't confined to just social media, though; news outlets breathlessly reported on the tweet, as if it singlehandedly decided the election.

(Yes, even WIRED got in on that action.)

To say that it was a popular tweet is to understate matters:

And it was also pretty successful, as can be judged by these weak comebacks from RNC chairman Reince Priebus and Trump himself:

If that Trump response seems weak, it only gets moreso when you know that it took more than an hour to come up with. As some pointed out:

OK, so Hillary Clinton won the Internet, it seems. But what does that mean for the future? After all, the Internet is a fickle place.

The Takeaway: When we look back, will this be the tweet that changed the world? Perhaps.

What Happened: Beyoncé sneezed. No, really, that's it.
Where It Blew Up: Twitter, media think pieces
What Really Happened: How much does the world idolize Queen Bey? So much so that, even when she sneezes, people freak out. This isn't an exaggeration, as tweets from a Tuesday night concert on her Formation tour made clear:

Buh-but. It was just a sneeze. What's the big deal?

Oh, so it's a sign that she's just like the rest of us deep down. Or, you know, maybe better than the rest of us.

Of course, for all those who saw this blessed event, there were more who didn't, and felt deprived.

This wasn't a hysteria confined to social media, either; stories about the sneeze filled the Internet. Lord help us if Beyoncé ever happens to pull back the curtain and reveal any other proof that she's like mere mortals in future.
The Takeaway: Nope, this one still just seems crazy. It was just a sneeze, people! Just a sneeze!

What Happened: Witness the end of a band's career, and the power of social media activism. The two things may be connected.
Where It Blew Up: Twitter, media think pieces
What Really Happened: There's almost no way that you've missed the news about Brock Turner this week, but if you have, here's what you need to know: After being convicted of sexual assault in March, Turner was sentenced to just six months in jail this week. (To make matters worse, he's only likely to serve half of that before release.) The woman he assaulted read him a powerful letter she'd written at his sentencing. The letter went viral, prompting a wonderful, kind response from Vice President Joe Biden. Meanwhile, Turner's father wrote a letter defending his son and painting him as a victim in the entire scenario.

The defense of Turner also included a second letter from a childhood friend, Leslie Rasmussen. Rasmussen described Turner as "a peer of mine since elementary school," as well as "such a sweetheart and a very smart kid" who never harassed anyone because "[that] would have been so out of his character." The assault, she reasoned, was the result of both Turner and the unnamed woman drinking too much: "It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that alcohol increased emotions and feelings," she reasoned. "I think this is all a huge misunderstanding."

Rasmussen's letter went public at the start of the week, and caused exactly the reaction you'd expect:

Here's where things get more unusual, however. Rasmussen is the drummer in an up-and-coming indie band, Good English. When that fact was discovered by the Internet at large, the response was interesting:

The movement to get Good English blacklisted was successful, at least in part:

The backlash against the band made headlines across the Internet, as people wondered whether the band deserved the boycott. For some, the answer was clearly "yes":

The Takeaway: Eventually, Rasmussen released a statement, in which she explained that she had been asked to write the character statement for her friend, and that the concern about alcohol misuse was genuine.

"I understand that this appeal has now provided an opportunity for people to misconstrue my ideas into a distortion that suggests I sympathize with sex offenses and those who commit them or that I blame the victim involved," she added. "Nothing could be farther from the truth, and I apologize for anything my statement has done to suggest that I don’t feel enormous sympathy for the victim and her suffering... I know that Brock Turner was tried and rightfully convicted of sexual assault. I realize that this crime caused enormous pain for the victim. I don’t condone, support, or sympathize with the offense or the offender. I was asked by a court in California to provide a character statement as a standard and necessary part of the sentencing process. I believe that Brock’s character was seriously affected by the alcohol he consumed, and I felt that the court needed to consider this issue during their sentencing deliberations."

Will this be enough to save the career of Good English, however? That remains unknown.

What Happened: What happens when a seagull flies too close to a vat full of curry? An Internet meme, apparently.
Where It Blew Up: Twitter, news reports
What Really Happened: Meanwhile, on the other side of the Atlantic, did you hear the one about the bright orange seagull who had a close encounter with a vat of chicken tikka masala? Oh, it turns out to be no joke—not least of all for Gullfrazie, the seagull in question, who fell into a vat of waste curry while scavenging a dumpster full of food, only to find himself dyed bright orange.

Don't worry; he was taken to the nearby Vale Wildlife Hospital & Rehabilitation Center, where he was washed (using dish soap, apparently; you'd think there would be special soap for this kind of thing, but apparently not) and given a clean bill of health—or, at least, a cleaning of his feathers, although he reportedly still smelled pretty tasty afterwards.

As you might expect, this was the sort of thing that made headlines. Like, lots and lots and lots of headlines. (The best? Probably *The Sun'*s: "Chicken Beak-ka-Masala." You know we love a good pun.)

Of course, Twitter was into it.

Of course, some people saw a potential learning experience in the plight of poor Gullfrazie (as he was nicknamed):

The Takeaway: Well, at least we're all thinking about the truly important things in the world.

What Happened: Stop everything. Carrie Fisher has an advice column. No, really.
Where It Blew Up: Twitter
What Really Happened: How to break the Internet in one easy move? Well, if you're The Guardian, it's dropping the first in a series of Agony Aunt columns by none other than Carrie Fisher without warning.

The series, "Advice from the Dark Side," sees Fisher position herself as the new guru for, as she puts it, "the younger members of our congested world." "No, really. I can’t help you with your homework; but I can tell you what I did if I’ve had an experience like yours," she writes in the first installment. "Throw it at my wall and see what sticks. What you do with that info is up to you."

Judging by the response on Twitter, the younger members of our congested world (and the older ones, too) are ready for this to happen:

The Takeaway: Now everyone will have a new online destination every Friday. Can this be the first of many similar Star Wars columns? Maybe Mark Hamill advising on beard maintenance and hiking up cliffs? Or maybe Harrison Ford could give advice on how to parent while not standing close to your homicidal son when he's got a lightsaber? There's definitely some potential here.