While You Were Offline: Goats Sing Christmas Carols

This week on the Internet: Star Wars. Whether it was people excited about the movie, people wanting to ensure that they were seen to be unexcited about the movie, people worrying about spoilers, people threatening to post spoilers, or any other reason to talk about Star Wars: The Force Awakens, this week, the Internet was 95 percent made up of things from a galaxy far, far away. Here's some of the remaining five percent.

What Happened: Tis the season... for goats. Go with me on this one.

Where It Blew Up: Media think pieces

What Really Happened: Please, just watch the video above.

If you're wondering What the hell is that?, then the answer is "an ad for Swedish charity Action Aid's Christmas album, All I Want For Christmas Is a Goat, wherein, according to the charity (and Google Translate), "we partake of classics such as 'Jingle Bells,' 'Silent Night' and 'White Christmas' in a whole new twist." Namely, that the songs are performed with goats.

Of course, the very idea of goats singing carols is seasonal catnip to the Internet at large. But at least it's all for a good cause.

The Takeaway: If we can make the Christmas Goat a real thing, then it's fairly certain we can all believe in holiday miracles. Also, if this can lead to the creation of the Yule Goat, the Hanukkah Goat, the Rohatsu Goat and so on, the world would be a better (or, at least a goat-ier) place.

What Happened: Donald Trump got a note from his doctor. It was everything anyone could ever hope for.

Where It Blew Up: Twitter, blogs, media think pieces

What Really Happened: As part of any presidential campaign, a candidate is expected to release their medical records to prove that they're literally able to perform the job. Of course, Donald Trump decided to approach the matter in his own inimitable style, via a letter apparently written by his personal doctor that boasts, in Trumpian syntax, that his "laboratory test results were astonishingly excellent," his physical strength and stamina "are extraordinary" and that "if elected, Mr. Trump, I can state equivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency."

Unsurprisingly, such a recommendation caught a lot of attention, with some wondering whether or not Dr. Howard Bornstein was even real (He is).

Twitter, of course, enjoyed the doctor's note in its own snarky way:

The Takeaway: While it'll be difficult to retroactively prove the health of previous presidents during their times in office (not that that stopped some from trying), this letter does bring up the previously unconsidered need for presidential candidates to compete in tests of physical endurance to prove just how healthy they are. Suddenly the 2016 race seems a lot more exciting.

What Happened: A billionaire casino owner bought a newspaper. Or maybe he didn't. But somehow, the Internet became very interested in sorting that matter out once and for all.

Where It Blew Up: Twitter, blogs, media think pieces

What Really Happened: The sale of the Las Vegas Review-Journal became the subject of much debate last week when it emerged that the buyer—who'd paid $140 million for the paper—had decided to keep their identity secret. That decision led to speculation at the start of this week that the purchase was made by Las Vegas Sands CEO and chairman Sheldon Adelson, Forbes' 18th richest man in the world and a major contributor to the Republican Party.

The initial report, initially denied in vague terms by Adelson, sparked much excitement amongst media types, as Twitter demonstrated:

Even the Review-Journal weighed in on the subject and asked its new owner to go public. But why would Adelson's ownership be a big deal?

Ah. Of course, it was just an unconfirmed report, so maybe things aren't that bad? Except, of course, it turned into a confirmed report late Wednesday: yes, Adelson was the buyer.

Well, good thing that's sorted. Now that we're done asking questions about—oh, wait, never mind. Meanwhile, others think Adelson bought the wrong paper.

The Takeaway: The Internet is an amazing place where even billionaires buying newspapers can become something that many are interested in. Who knew?

What Happened: The strange, strange saga of Martin Shkreli continues with a heist perhaps being plotted, an arrest, and the FBI having to share the saddest tweet.

Where It Blew Up: Twitter, blogs, media think pieces

What Really Happened: This week has been a long, strange one for pharma kingpin, owner of the world's most rare Wu-Tang Clan album, and generally reviled character Martin Shkreli.

Not only did reports start to emerge that there was a clause that would allow the Wu-Tang Clan to team with Bill Murray to legally steal the album back from the buyer (sadly, apparently untrue), but RZA started throwing shade at Shkreli anyway:

Such commentary didn't go unnoticed by Shkreli, who responded by saying "I'm just getting pissed off. That's not the way I do business. If I hand you $2 million, fucking show me some respect." But before he had a chance to further explore a potential Wu-Tang beef, he went and got himself arrested for securities fraud. (Here's why, and it makes for an amazing read.)

Twitter was abuzz with glee over Shkreli's arrest in general, but especially because of what it might mean for the Wu-Tang album:

Great minds thought alike when pondering the implications of the arrest:

Relax: someone is on it already.

There is an alternative, of course…

Sadly, the FBI had to break a few hearts with an update:

The Takeaway: OK, OK. So the FBI didn't seize the album yet. That just means that Bill and RZA have more time to get their plan in motion, only for a third act reversal when they realize that the FBI went back and got the album later, necessitating both men to pretend to be federal agents with hilarious consequences. Meanwhile, others were thinking of other rap references:

What Happened: Forget Garfield Minus Garfield. The latest online newspaper strip phenomenon takes Dilbert and replaces the dialogue with the real-life commentary of the strip's creator for... unnerving effect.

Where It Blew Up: Blogs, media think pieces

What Really Happened: How to explain MRA Dilbert? As the Tumblr puts it, it's a site that's "taking the words of Scott Adams and combining them with the art of Scott Adams." And yet... it's something much more than that. Because Scott Adams, creator of the beloved, inoffensive newspaper strip Dilbert, is also a man who writes things like "Do you agree that women have enough of a majority to control political outcomes? Remember, the past doesn't count. Everyone agrees that the past was a patriarchy. We're focusing on today." And the combination of the two makes for some weirdly dissonant reading.

Also, some newly viral reading, apparently. The site is beginning to show up all around the Internet, spreading the gospel of just how weird Adams' personal writing and philosophies actually are.

Somehow, we can't see MRA Dilbert being taken up by Adams in the same way that Jim Davis and Paws, Inc. has taken over Garfield Minus Garfield. At least, we really hope it won't be.

The Takeaway: I've never been the biggest fan of Dilbert, but this crosses the line into some uncomfortable space that's oddly compelling. Which is... good? Maybe?