While You Were Offline: Missy Elliott Is Back, Baby!

It's the middle of November and fall is finally, fully here. All the leaves are brown, and the sky is grey. It's just the right weather for a song, perhaps, or maybe to just sit inside and stare at the Internet where it's warmer, thanks to the fires of indignation. What's fueling those fires this week? Well, bad hair choices, bad advertising slogans, and the return of Shia LeBeouf to everyone's hearts, thanks to a three-day livestream where he said nothing at all. Oh, Internet. Never change. Here, as ever: the highlights of the last seven days on the World Wide Web.

What Happened: The Internet loves a comeback, but when it's as fun as Missy Elliott's return, who can blame it?

Where It Blew Up: Twitter, blogs, media think pieces

What Really Happened: If you didn't spend all Thursday playing the new Missy Elliott, I don't know what you were doing with your time. It was her first release in three years, and it quickly overwhelmed the Internet with its greatness. It was "everything we crave," it was "brilliant, because she is brilliant", and unsurprisingly, it was the song of the week. Probably thanks to it being "a bruising hip-hop banger," as well as being "pure rhythmic pleasure." Suffice to say, the media really liked it. But what about Twitter, that most reliable of Internet barometers?

...Yeah, people liked it.

The Takeaway: Oh, sorry, we're too busy watching the video.

What Happened: Starbucks thought that going with a simple, restrained design for its holiday season cups was a good idea. Some people didn't agree.

Where It Blew Up: Twitter, blogs, media think pieces

What Really Happened: You might think that a change in the design of a to-go coffee cup isn't a big deal, but apparently you'd be wrong, as Starbucks discovered this week. After unveiling its new holiday season cup design last month and boasting of its "purity of design that welcomes all our stories," the coffee giant found itself embroiled in a manufactured controversy that refused to go away.

The first sign came when right-wing site Breitbart announced that the cups were, quote, "emblematic of the Christian culture cleansing of the west," writing with appropriate umbrage that "the only thing that can redeem them from this whitewashing of Christmas is to print Bible verses on their cups next year." Things didn't really go viral until one Joshua Feuerstein (who describes himself as "an American evangelist, Internet and social media personality") took to Facebook to complain about the design, and spread some seasonal... joy...? (He also spread some things that weren't true, like saying that Starbucks employees are banned from saying "Merry Christmas." But, hey, what does the truth matter when you're ranting on Facebook?)

Feuerstein told his followers to use the hashtag #MerryChristmasStarbucks to get the story trending, and well, they did:

Even as the backlash got underway the story grew bigger when Donald Trump and Sarah Palin weighed in, and the media got involved. With a new Twitter hashtag, #ItsJustACup, bemoaning the ridiculousness of the discussion, analysts began to wonder if the entire thing was actually a PR coup for the chain, which would explain why Dunkin' Donuts tried to muscle in with its own holiday cups midway through the whole thing.

The Takeaway: It's as if the War on the War on Christmas starts earlier every year, isn't it?

What Happened: Shia LeBeouf shared the ultimate indignity with the Internet this week: having to watch all of his movies.

Where It Blew Up: Twitter, blogs, media think pieces

What Really Happened: While Shia LaBeouf's career shift from actor to art world provocateur means that cinema has lost a Transformers-level great, it does mean that the world has gained a performance art genius. At least, that seems to be the case following #AllMyMovies, a performance piece in which LaBeouf livestreamed himself watching, as the name suggests, all his movies in reverse order, in a theater filled with his fans.

I know, you're sad you missed it; don't worry, you can watch it all here, or read up on the many, many stories pieces online tracking it.

As weird as it might seem, #AllMyMovies was a genuine online phenomenon, with Twitter filled with Shias reacting to himself for days:

The Takeaway: Has… Has Shia LaBeouf managed to redeem himself in the eyes of the Internet? Affection for him seems to be at an all-time high right now, with all past controversies forgotten. Hopefully no one comes out of the woodwork to claim #AllMyMovies was their idea.

What Happened: Because style knows no bounds, this was the week when the Internet at large discovered the existence of clip-on man buns—for the man who has everything, except a man bun of his own.

Where It Blew Up: Twitter, blogs, media think pieces

What Really Happened: Remember Groupon? It's something that most people don't really think about anymore, but that changed this week when the site offered a "clip in man bun" for just $9.99. (Astonishingly, the monstrosities are traditionally $65, apparently.) According to the site, a clip-on man bun is "one of the hottest trends in men's fashion" that "oozes with fashion sense," while being detachable so that you can "blend in with your surroundings, putting it on when you smell fair-trade coffee or hear a banjo, and taking it off when someone utters the word bro."

Thankfully, the Internet responded in exactly the appropriate manner: "Clip-on man buns aren't a joke, but we wish they were," ran one headline. "Clip-on man buns are real and it's too late to do anything," went another. The offer went viral online, as everyone struggled with the horror.

The Takeaway: In a world where we rightfully disdain Donald Trump for hair that might be fake (as much as he denies it; by the way, in related news), how could we have allowed this atrocity to happen, and why have we not taken steps to ensure it never happens again?

What Happened: Bloomingdale's holiday ad campaign contained an almost impressive lack of awareness when it came to one piece of troublesome advice.

Where It Blew Up: Twitter, blogs, media think pieces

What Really Happened: Ah, the holiday season! A time for family, friends, and accidental date rape jokes, at least according to the Bloomingdale's catalog:

Even though the store was relatively quick to apologize (via Twitter, of course)...

...the damage was done, with countless reports ensuring that, when you think about Bloomingdale's this holiday season, you'll think "date rape."

The Takeaway: How did no one at Bloomingdale's notice how bad that slogan was before the catalog was released? Do we need to ensure that there are people in charge of Avoiding Creepy Rapey Suggestions in ad companies? Really?