While You Were Offline: It's Time to Say #JonVoyage

Because we have all survived another week, here are the highlights of the last seven days on the web.
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Let's just take it as read that you all paid attention to the first Republican presidential nominee debate this week, because it felt like the subject that couldn't be avoided, especially during the debate itself. (If not, you can relive it in transcript form, which is especially fun if you get your friends to act it out in comedic voices.) Elsewhere on the Internet, it was a week of destroyed robots, felt puppets breaking hearts, and the most unlikely romance novel you could've imagined actually existing. Because we have all collectively survived another week, here are the highlights of the last seven days on the world wide web.

Your Final Moment of Zen

What Happened: Jon Stewart's final Daily Show aired and a nation wept. Well, an Internet, at least.

Where It Blew Up: Twitter, blogs, media think pieces

What Really Happened: This one really doesn't need much explanation, does it? Although, if you were looking for some, there was a lot to be found. But, yes: Jon Stewart's final Daily Show aired Thursday, and the Internet gathered to wish him well:

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The Takeaway: Somewhere, Janet Jackson is reading the Internet and asking, "Where was this kind of reaction when I was on the Super Bowl, huh? Huh?" angrily.

Alas, Poor Hitch

What Happened: The cross-country adventures of Canada's HitchBOT came to a surprise ending when someone destroyed the machine outside Philadelphia.

Where It Blew Up: Twitter, blogs, media think pieces

What Really Happened: Oh, poor hitchBOT. Although you were just a "free-spirited robot who wants to explore the world and meet new friends along the way," it turned out the world was just too cruel for you—or, at least, Philadelphia was. The beheading of the lovable little droid broke people's hearts and raised suspicions and general paranoia across the Internet:

What kind of sick country do we live in where an adorable canadian hitchhiking robot get decapitated! #RIP #Hitchbot

— Barnacules Nerdgasm (@Barnacules) August 3, 2015

HitchBOT meets a brutal demise in a Philadelphia alley. It was 1 year old pic.twitter.com/jqFER6AhWk

— The New York Times (@nytimes) August 4, 2015

Why would the "City of Brotherly Love" destroy @hitchBOT ?

— Jonathan Frakes (@jonathansfrakes) August 4, 2015

Among the chief questions the builders of @hitchBOT wanted answered was whether robots could trust humans. Hmmmm

— Jonathan Frakes (@jonathansfrakes) August 4, 2015

When Jonathan Frakes is on the case, that's when you know you're in trouble, whoever destroyed hitchBOT. But who did destroy hitchBOT? Video of the attack was released, only to later be revealed as a hoax, thankfully ending the potential sports warfare that it almost set off.

Even though the culprits remain free, the people behind hitchBOT remain undeterred, even teasing the possibility of a comeback in future. All's well that ends well. Aside from, you know, the destruction of that poor, defenseless robot.

The Takeaway: He was the best of us!

My trip must come to an end for now, but my love for humans will never fade. Thanks friends: pic.twitter.com/sJPVSxeawg

— hitchBOT (@hitchBOT) August 1, 2015

It's Time to Face the Music

What Happened: Kermit and Miss Piggy announce their split to promote the new Muppets TV show, and lots of people reacted as if it was real.

Where It Blew Up: Twitter, blogs, media think pieces

What Really Happened: Stop the presses! Appearing at the Television Critics Association this week, Kermit and Miss Piggy announced that they've split, something that oddly enough got reported as if it was not only real—shhhh, they're only puppets—but as if it was new, despite the already released pilot presentation making it very clear that both have broken up (and that Kermit has moved on). Nonetheless, a lot of people took it very, very hard:

Love is officially dead! RT #KermitTheFrog & #MissPiggy have called it quits! pic.twitter.com/GamsfX9CSQ

— Perez Hilton (@PerezHilton) August 4, 2015

Love is officially dead! @TheMuppets stars @KermitTheFrog and @RealMissPiggy are done pic.twitter.com/JaX2srHBdb

— People magazine (@people) August 4, 2015

ICYMI: Kermit & Piggy are broken up, love is dead: pic.twitter.com/I9wPrdtzID

— Entertainment Weekly (@EW) August 4, 2015

.@KermitTheFrog and Miss Piggy have broken up, because LOVE IS DEAD: pic.twitter.com/yEdwXc0Ois

— CELEBUZZ (@CELEBUZZ) August 4, 2015

We just can't deal with this pic.twitter.com/TgVV1VChXA

— Huffington Post (@HuffingtonPost) August 4, 2015

Seriously, was "love is dead" in some press release about the news, or something? As Piggy and Kermie shared the news officially on their social media feeds, Twitter tried to deal with the fallout:

Counselors and shamans standing by all day. Please reassure children that Kermit and Ms Piggy still love them, and that monogamy is outdated

— Los Feliz Daycare (@LosFelizDaycare) August 4, 2015

If Kermit and Miss Piggy can't make it... NO ONE CAN

— Lindsey Gilliam (@gillsssssss) August 7, 2015

This Miss Piggy & Kermit split is breaking my heart. Even if it's clearly a publicity stunt. And they're a frog and a pig. And made of felt.

— John Thorp/Loveless (@MrJohnLoveless) August 7, 2015

Yes, childhoods were ruined by the news, but it turns out, Miss Piggy and Kermit had been doing that for awhile.

The Takeaway: Oh, if only there was going to be a primetime show on ABC this fall that would demonstrate that love wasn't dead, but that a pig and a frog could make it work despite all of life's difficulties! A show in the mockumentary format!

https://www.youtube.com/embed/pfJkusicBa4