- Learn to work with other humans When I landed my first big job in publishing 10 years ago, I felt like an outsider. It was the social aspects of working in the big leagues that threw me—the small talk, the awkwardness that results from forced extroversion. So I wrote a book, drawing on my own experience as well as the scientific literature on social psychology and organizational behavior. Turns out, it is actually possible to take negative workplace situations and turn them into something positive. But you need a few tricks. —Ross McCammon
Harness the Assholes
Assholes are overconfident, narcissistic, reckless, entitled, and oblivious. This
makes them useful: They let you feel morally superior (since you always look down on the asshole), they’re good for bonding (since everyone agrees that assholes are awful), and they increase efficiency (you don’t waste time chatting when you’re working with an asshole).
Be Mildly Intimidating
I feel intimidated sometimes. You feel intimidated sometimes. But don’t worry! Other people think we are the intimidating ones. My personal theory is that two of the key markers of feeling totally freaked out on the inside—silence and a vaguely troubled face—make you seem enigmatic and earnest on the outside. And if you do happen to be intimidating to others, know this: You are setting off their fight-or-flight response, involving a rush of hormones that makes people jittery. So bring the humanity. Try a self-deprecating observation, a compliment, thoughts on the goji berry, whatever. Intimidation is powerful, but intimidation leavened with kindness is more powerful still.
Oversmile
Think of something that makes you happy, and smile. Use your eye muscles. Make it “contagious,” forcing those around you
to smile. (Research suggests that when we see a smile we tend to smile back.) Smile until you feel stupid, then look in a mirror. You’ll look happy. And seeing yourself this way will make you even happier. There. You feel better. Everyone else feels better. All because you deluded yourself into thinking you were happy. Just knock it off before you start looking like an asshole.
Ross McCammon is the author of the forthcoming book Works Well With Others: An Outsider's Guide to Shaking Hands, Shutting Up, Handling Jerks, and Other Crucial Business Skills That No One Ever Teaches You.
- Let a Telepresence Robot Keep You in the Mix
Showing up, they say, is 80 percent of life. On the job? Ninety percent, minimum. You can HipChat or Hangout all day, but to keep those vital personal networks humming, there’s nothing like walking around and dropping in on people for impromptu one-on-ones. For many of us today, though, showing up means hours of travel misery. Solution? Make the rounds via telepresence! Just log in to an office bot from your home computer and you’re off and rolling. Here’s how to get the most from your mecha. —Chris Baker
DON'T skimp on hardware.
Encourage your employer to invest in a quality machine. One useful feature is the ability to raise or tilt the screen remotely, lest you find yourself staring inappropriately at a coworker’s torso. (Also good for peering into cubicles.)
DO pivot to follow the talk.
You can’t make precise eye contact through a screen, so this is how you show engagement. Plus, if you’re still pointed at someone who spoke five minutes ago, you look like a stalker.
DO ask if your volume is good.
It’s hard to judge the acoustics on the other end, and colleagues may be embarrassed to tell you that you’re bellowing your witticisms.
DON'T be a lurker droid.
The latest bots glide as silently as shadows. Announce your presence when you enter a room. Ditto when people saunter by in hushed conversation ... or, you know, not.
DO establish a home base.
Have a spot you always return to, so people know where to find you. It’s unnerving to meet a grinning face-on-a-stick in unexpected places. You can slip into your charging dock for a juice break between forays.
DO assume you're always on.
Seriously. However much your senses tell you you’re in the privacy of your own home, behave yourself. Bots have no peripheral vision, so you won’t see the boss coming till it’s too late.
DO establish boundaries.
Your bot is your other body—weirdly, when your face is on the screen and you’re controlling the movements, our brains complete the picture. No one touches without asking! Beware of grabby gadget geeks.
DON'T forget where you are.
If you’re toggling your home computer between the telepresence app and other tasks, you can easily forget to leave someone’s office after a chat. It helps to use a separate screen.
DO have a trusted wingman.
There will be times when you need a hand—literally. Like when office wags adorn your visage with bunny ears right before a presentation. At trade shows a helper can handle the business cards (and keep people from stealing you). Note: If he’s bringing your bot to the conference, he still can’t drive in the carpool lane.
DON'T attempt elevator pitches.
If there's no Wi-Fi in the lift, your surrogate will fall asleep when the doors shut.
DO know your limits.
High-speed West Wing–style walk-and-talks are likely to end badly. Don’t get lost in conversation and follow a colleague into the restroom. Your kind isn’t welcome there.
DON'T abandon chat and email.
You don’t always have to toodle around—even real people go digital for quick stuff. To enter a closed office, send a text to notify the occupant you’re there instead of trying to chest-bump the door.
DO seek out other office bots for play dates.
Without hands, office Nerf gun battles are a drag. But organize a group of similarly abled colleagues and you can enjoy hallway regattas and spirited games of Marco Polo in the cubicles.
DO enjoy your newfound popularity.
You're an electronic conversation piece on wheels—work it! At the office party, have someone attach a jaunty hat, stream some tunes, and show off your tight 360s. Everybody loves a bot!
- Work Crush vs. Work Spouse: Know the Difference
Your work spouse is your rock. Your work crush, on the other hand, is a reason to get up in the morning, tuck in your shirt, brush your hair, and take the long way across the office. Researchers could tell you about how these relationships affect your productivity. We’re here to tell you how they affect your will to live. —Julia Greenberg
Your Work Spouse
Your Work Crush
Knows your real partner—and all your complaints about them.
Doesn’t even know you’re in a relationship.
Tells you when you look particularly hot.
Is the reason you stopped wearing a hoodie every day.
Has an unerring sense of your ideal 3 pm snack.
Is your 3 pm snack (in that one fantasy).
Is your standing happy hour date.
Is to be avoided, at all costs, whenever you’re drinking.
Joins you in HipChat to vent.
Causes you to sign up for Snapchat, just in case.
Gives you a look that gets you ready to deal with that annoying meeting.
Gives you a look that gets you ready. Period.
- Take Your Job on Vacation
Bringing work along on your paradise getaway sounds like a good way to defeat the whole purpose. But it could make for a more enjoyable vacation. It’s all about something called interrupted consumption, says business psychologist Tom Meyvis of New York University. Basically, when you’re doing something pleasurable, stopping the experience and restarting it boosts the effects of the fun stuff and keeps it feeling fresh. Which means that if you’re blissfully sunbathing on a beach, checking your email or doing another work thing for a set amount of time can make you return to your lounging with renewed appreciation—as long as it’s a (relatively) stress-free task you can finish and forget. So go ahead and mix a little pain with the pleasure. —Neel V. Patel
Typography by Crispin Finn
