What the hell happened this week, Hollywood? Did the various studio dons declare war and decide to start throwing trailers at each other like hand grenades? Whatever the case, 1,000 new movies got teased this past week, so let's kick the tires and light the fires. And where we would normally do a considerable amount of culling down, this week was just so crazy with so many movie stars showing up in so many new projects, we wanted to fully immerse you in the mania. Good thing it's a holiday weekend, because we're going to be here for a while. Never say we don't take care of you.
No one working in the studio system loves a dark fairytale more than Guillermo del Toro, and with a casting roll call that sounds like a fantasy league team, we could not be more excited for Crimson Peak. Jessica Chastain, Tom Hiddelston, Mia Wasikowska, Charlie Hunnam—get the adrenaline needle because our hearts are about to quit! Calling it now: This will be the Pacific Rim of Spanish-influenced gothic haunted-house horror. IMAX, please.
Pause at: 0:25. This is not a micro-budget movie. Evil Chastain, or just Misunderstood Chastain at 0:27? This toy at 0:39 is like child abuse. Even ghosts need to unwind with a bath at 1:09.
Song: PJ Harvey, "Red Right Hand" (Nick Cave cover)
Essential Quote: "We were not allowed in here as children. We were confined to the nursery. In the attic."—Lady Lucille Sharpe (Chastain). Wait... attic nursery?!
The Man of Steel (Henry Cavill) co-starring with the Lone Ranger (Armie Hammer) playing American and Russian spies, respectively, from the mind of raucous British crime auteur Guy Ritchie! In other words: Two of the most dashing, square-jawed men in Hollywood playing international Mad Men of mystery. We could chop and screw this movie's description all day long and just find more reasons to be excited about it. Cavill plays CIA Agent Napoleon Solo opposite Hammer's KGB operative Illya Kuryakin in this cinematic re-up of the 1960s TV series. Solo and Kuryakin must set aside their petty, nationalist differences to pair up and take down a mysterious criminal organization. Their only hope is the daughter of German scientist who's gone missing, and we're all very lucky she's played by about-to-be-major Alicia Vikander (coming up soon in Ex Machina). The Cold War is so hot right now.
Pause at: 1:06. Cavill's face was made for this. This wardrobe tho at 1:29! Yes, Armie Hammer just threw a motorcycle at 1:43. More of That Face at 2:04. Hugh Grant surprise at 2:10!
Song: Edwin Starr, "Funky Music Sho Nuff Turns Me On"
Essential Quote: "When you hear something that sounds like a gunshot, drive."—Napoleon Solo (Cavill). No, Napoleon, that's just the sound of our beating hearts.
You know what's better than watching Kyle Chandler in a movie for two hours? Watching him for 13 straight hours while you inhale Netflix programming like rails of TV cocaine. There used to be a time when new binge-able web shows felt like an event, something you counted down to. "Just 136 days until House of Cards comes back, guys!!" But now, between the 'Flix and Amazon and wherever else you watch digital programming, it's gotten hard to keep up with the output. Bosch, Mozart in the Jungle, Marco Polo, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt? Wake us up when they're all released! And all the aforementioned shows look good, but this Bloodline kind of looks amazing, right? There's the massive Chandler bonus. There's Ben Mendelsohn (coming off big buzz for Mississippi Grind at Sundance). There's Sissy Spacek and there's Sam Shepard, and they all play one big family with a secret. Toss in the fact that it comes from the creators of Damages and the hook sinks in well past the barb. Get here, March 20.
Pause at: 0:05. Miss you always, Coach. Is this nude man drenched in green light at 0:39 a key to the Rayburn family's secret?? Do we spy Chloë Sevigny at 1:24?
Song: Lissie, "Nothing Else Matters"
Essential Quote: "Your life's not always gonna be this perfect. Things happen."—Danny (Mendelsohn)
Not content to rest on his Boyhood laurels, Ethan Hawke is moving behind the camera (while still standing in front of it) for this very personal-looking exploration of pianist Seymour Bernstein. Hawke certainly never went away. He's worked consistently since breaking out in the early 1990s. But since his Linklater venture it feels like there's a resurgence happening. There's the sci-fi thriller Predestination. The war drama Good Kill. The horror movie Regression. The Sundance selection Ten Thousand Saints, and five more movies slated for 2015. That’s a major year! So why not tack on a documentary directing credit, too? Here, he has focused his lens on Bernstein, the wunderkind who traded in a career as a concert pianist to be a music teacher—and doesn't seem one bit regretful about it. This exploration should be plenty touching, considering we've only known Bernstein for two minutes and we already want to start weeping.
Pause at: 0:28. This sweet face.
Essential Quote: "Most people don't tap the God within."—Bernstein, on music
If you're wondering how young Ice Cube in this trailer looks so much like actual Ice Cube, it’s because O'Shea Jackson Jr. is Cube's real life son. So, yeah, this movie is fully blessed by the members of landmark music group N.W.A. F. Gary Gray has Friday and Set It Off in his pedigree, and it looks like trust was wisely placed in him to render the frighteningly tense climate of late 80s/early 90s Los Angeles as a backdrop for N.W.A.'s rise to prominence. Corey Hawkins co-stars as Dr. Dre with Jason Mitchell as Eazy-E and Paul Giamatti playing manager Jerry Heller.
Pause at: 1:09, where the trailer officially starts. Stop at 1:50 for young Cube. Damn! Did they bring Eazy-E back at 1:58? Revolutionaries in white Ts at 3:25
Song: N.W.A., "Straight Outta Compton" and "Fuck Tha Police"
Essential Quote: "Our art is a reflection of our reality."—Ice Cube (Jackson Jr.)
Attention brogrammers: The HBO sun is shining on you once again.
Pause at: 0:11. Guess who's back! Martin Starr, never change at 0:32. The gang is alive and well at 0:45.
Song: Danny Brown, "Smokin & Drinkin"
Essential Quote: "“What kind of a monster puts artisanal butter in the freezer?! Fucking animals!"—Erlich (TJ Miller)
It's called Robot Overlords and it stars Ben Kingsley and Gillian Anderson. I think we've got everything we need here.
Pause at: 0:08. Getting notes of Oblivion. Our kind of villains at 1:10.
Essential Quote: "Robots never lie."
Amy Schumer plays a woman who doesn't believe in monogamy. Brie Larson plays her married sister. Vanessa Bayer plays her co-worker at her men's magazine job. Tilda Swinton is her editor and Bill Hader plays a sports doctor whose best friend is LeBron James. How can this not be a blast? Oh and it's written by Schumer with direction from Judd Apatow. Done. Done and done.
Pause at: 1:09. Drunk Girl should be Vanessa Bayer's next SNL recurring character. Blonde and tan Swinton at 1:19?! Bill Hader seems like the best fake boyfriend at 1:54.
Song: Lady Sovereign, "9 to 5" and AJR, "I'm Ready"
Essential Quote: "I really like you Amy. You're clever, but you're not too brainy. You're pretty-ish. You're not gorgeous. You're approachable."—Dianna (Swinton!)
Really, isn't any movie where a helicopter rains hell upon the atrium of a building worth watching? Unfortunately for all of us Timothy Olyphant fans in the house, his attempt playing the titular Hitman didn't go over so well, and the potential franchise stalled. (It wasn't your fault, Timothy!) But now Homeland's strong silent type assassin Peter Quinn (Rupert Friend) is donning the red necktie and giving it a go. And Zachary Quinto came to the party, too.
Pause at: 0:12. We are now on notice. The pose at 1:20. Necessary at 1:51. Double necessary 1:58. Who needs gravity at 2:02? Helicopter maelstrom at 2:16!
Song: Ginuwine, "Pony"
Essential Quote: "No, Mr. Sanders. You're locked in here with me."—Agent 47 (Friend), because no one locks up an agent
Happyish— Steve Coogan plays a role originally intended for Philip Seymour Hoffman in this new Showtime series about a middle-aged man struggling with contentment. Sounds kind of trite, but Steve Coogan is genius and he co-stars with Kathryn Hahn and Ellen Barkin. Major reasons to be encouraged for this one.
Hot Pursuit— Sofia Vergara and Reese Witherspoon aspire to Bullock/McCarthy levels of chemistry in this cop-escorts-the-witness buddy comedy. No, really. It looks like The Heat mashed up with Identity Thief. We totally believe in Vergara and Witherspoon. They're very good performers with great comedic timing, but the director, Anne Fletcher, is best known for The Proposal and 27 Dresses—not exactly Paul Feig-style projects, which is exactly what this movie wants to be.
Regression— Emma Watson is a golden goddess, so we're just hoping this trailer is a poor edit of a better movie. Alejandro Amenábar (Open Your Eyes, The Others) directs, so we've got lots of reason to believe this creepfest about a young woman (Watson) who accuses her father of an "unspeakable" crimes—potentially related to Satanic rituals—will be deftly executed. Ethan Hawke and always-unnerving David Thewlis co-star with the Wonderful Watson.
Juaja— If you've been longing for more Viggo Mortenson surviving untamed and beautiful landscapes since Hidalgo back in 2004, then you're in luck! No but seriously, this movie looks pretty arresting, with Mortenson playing Argentinian Army Captain Gunnar Dinesen who goes into hostile territory to track down his missing daughter. Always count on Viggo for an emotionally gripping turn.
Last Knights— Is this going to be released in a Blu-ray two-pack with Seventh Son, accompanied by commentary explaining how these movies got made with these performers? Because that's what we want to know. Actors must love it when movies they shot years ago and hoped everyone forgot about finally decide to surface.
A Perfect Day— Who hasn't been waiting for the Tim Robbins/Benicio del Toro tag-team comedy about aide workers in a conflict zone? If anyone can sell a picture about people trying to deliver clean water to residents of the Balkans by removing a corpse from a well, it's Robbins and del Toro—with an assist from Olga Kurylenko.
* Eisenstein in Guanajuato*— This movie looks positively batty and brilliant. Art cinema legend Peter Greenaway presents the story of also-legendary Sergej Eisenstein. It's a movie about a movie maker making a movie (people who talk about movies love that stuff). Finnish actor Elmer Back plays Eisenstein as he attempts to make his movie Que Viva Mexico in 1930s Mexico, a hugely influential experience in Eisenstein's life, both personally and professionally. Sounds kooky!
Aloha— Director Cameron Crowe has stars on stars on stars for this one! We're talking Bradley Cooper, Rachel McAdams, Emma Stone, Danny McBride, John Krasinski, Alec Baldwin and Bill Murray! Cooper plays a military contractor who's stationed in Hawaii to oversee a satellite launch. McAdams plays his ex, and Stone plays his endearing potential love interest. Let's hope for a rekindling of that special Cameron Crowe style of romantic magic.
Cut Bank— This movie looks more than a little Coen-esque, right down to the unlikely yet enticing ensemble cast. Liam Hemsworth is a man trying to get out of his drab small town, but when he tries to break free by turning knowledge of a gruesome crime into a get-rich quick scheme, things start to unravel. Obviously. Teresa "I'm Not Kristen Stewart" Palmer co-stars as his girlfriend, along with Billy Bob Thornton, Bruce Dern, John Malkovich, Michael Stuhlbarg, and Oliver Platt. Strong work in the casting department by director Matt Shakman.
The Water Diviner— Russell Crowe directed a movie?
