If you're looking for a cohesive thread in this week's trailer round up, you won't find one. There's more gunplay from Everly, a new Netflix comedy, two threats of mass extinction (one actual, one science fiction), the return of TV's most beloved serial killer since Dexter, the best worst American president ever, and a bunch of foosball figurines coming to life in an animated David-and-Goliath tale. It's pretty batty, but at least there's something for everyone ... or, for a lot of people. But if you're not one of them, well, better luck next week!
We're doomed. Or maybe we aren't? The Academy Award-winning team that brought us the horrifyingly true documentary The Cove is back, and this time their beat is the next possible mass extinction event. And by possible, we're thinking "probable," but these filmmakers are determined to help us right the ship by exposing the tragic roles pollution and rare-animal markets play in, well, killing everything on Earth besides us (and eventually us too). Racing Extinction is going to be painful, but it's also completely necessary.
Pause at: Any moment for something depressing.
Essential Quote: "Better to light one candle than curse the darkness. There are so many people that sit back and say 'We're screwed.' But, you know what? That one candle? Maybe someone else with a candle will find you, and I think that's where movements are started."—Thank you, filmmakers, for this necessary message of hope.
Now this is the real deal! The first Everly trailer we ran during the post-Christmas culture lull was of dubious origins, but now we've got a legit offering. This one starts out pretty similar to the unofficial first clip, but deviates as it goes on. It's a feast for the eyes if you're into A) Salma Hayek B) Guns or C) All of the Above. Also: There are characters in this movie named Zelda, Sadist, and Masochist. And that's not nothing.
Pause at: 0:44. Is Everly hiding out in an armory?! Extra female assassins at 0:58.
Essential Quote: "Extraordinary. I assumed you'd go down without a fight. I was wrong."—Bad bossman Taiko (Hiroyuki Watanabe)
Here's some fun for the whole family. A young boy, Jake, takes down the town bully, Ace, in a foosball match, and years later when that bully returns home having matured into the world's biggest fútbol star, he's still got an axe to grind about the arcade ass-whooping he endured so long ago. So Ace does what any douchebag ultra rich guy would do in a movie and buys the whole town so he can rip it apart! And since Jake is our hero, it's his job to take Ace down one more time, but this winner-take-all match will take place on a real-live soccer field instead of a tabletop one. The fun part comes when Jake's foosball buddies—yes, the wooden figures—come to life and help him. Like we said: Family-style fun!
Pause at: 1:08. Yes, that is a falling tear bringing a tiny foosball figure to life. Jake's squad isn't exactly what you'd call world-class athletes, as evidenced by 1:14.
Essential Quote: "Destruction begins now!"—Ace (Nicholas Hoult). (Or does it, Ace?!)
Has three seconds of wild-eyed laughter ever been a more effective promotion for anything?!
Pause at: 0:10. Clinton/Meyer 2016.
Essential Quote: "In America, anyone can be President. That's one of the risks you take."—Adlai E. Stevenson II (who couldn't even have imagined the Meyer administration)
Well, things certainly aren't looking good for humanity in the second season of The Strain!
Pause at: 0:06. Pretty sure Ellis Island is never supposed to be on fire. We're guessing this guy at 0:22 isn't here to make friends.
Essential Quote: "Fight. Or die."
If you want to know what's in store for the next season of the Dr. Lecter chronicles, this trailer isn't going to do much for you. But it will give you plenty of mood and art direction and ominous lighting, which, isn’t that at least 40 percent of the reason we watch Hannibal anyway? Not that watching Hugh Dancy and Mads Mikkelsen play perfect foils for each other isn't highly entertaining, but it's a package deal. And hooray for more Gillian Anderson! The Fall is great, but it's severely upped our desirable Anderson dosage requirements, so, thanks to NBC for hooking us up.
Pause at: 1:20. Obviously Hannibal only works in the most opulent/beautiful/creepy environments. Is Will in a catacomb at 1:29?
Essential Quote: "Hannibal ... I forgive you."—Will Graham (Hugh Dancy)
It’s about time! After years of loving Ellie Kemper in supporting roles across film and television, she's finally got her own starring turn as Kimmy Schmidt, a woman rescued from a doomsday cult that's been living underground for 15 years. And now that she's been set free, Kimmy is going to make the most of this pre-apocalypse life. Kemper's infectious smile will surely imbue her character with the limitless optimism demonstrated by Schmidt in this first trailer, and considering she's got vets like Tina Fey backing her as a producer and Jane Krakowski alongside her as co-star, we trust this series is in good hands.
Pause at: 0:12 for the Indiana Mole Women. Pause to appreciate the news update at 0:24. Thank God for Jenna Maroney—um, Jane Krakowski—at 1:19.
Song: Karmin, "Try Me On"
Essential Quote: "You yell in your sleep. You bite my nails! And we still don't know why you're afraid of Velcro!"—Titus (Titus Burgess)
