American Horror Story is a lot of things. It's an anthology of three horror miniseries (so far). It's a celebration of the macabre. It's a sardonic comedy. It's a sexual thriller. It's a character drama. The one thing it isn't, is boring.
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30 RockAHS is the second partnership between FX and creator Ryan Murphy, who's most famous for bringing the world Glee, but who got his big break by bringing Nip/Tuck to the network back in 2003. That show ran for six seasons and 100 episodes, and sowed the seeds of Murphy's counter-establishment sensibilities, which have fully matured right in step with FX's reputation as a network willing to work with the fringe elements.
Also, AHS was practically built to binge. Each season being its own miniseries means a feast of new characters and new stories every year. And short seasons make for excellent, lag-free marathons. Get in; get weird; then get out. So whether it's a house of horrors, a decrepit insane asylum, or a coven of nouveau witches that gets your fear engine purring, Horror Story is here to please you—as long as your pleasure involves chains and whips.
Number of Seasons: 3 (38 episodes)
Time Requirements: Two-and-a-half weeks—two episodes per weeknight, three on each weekend day.
Where to Get Your Fix: Netflix, iTunes, Amazon Prime, Google Play, Xbox
Best Character to Follow:
AHS is a special case, because each season is a miniseries. That means new characters every time, but through three seasons the backbone of the show is its workhorse: Jessica Lange. In Season 1 (henceforth referred to as Murder House), you'll know her as Constance Langdon, the nosey and stunningly politically incorrect neighbor with all kinds of skeletons in the closet—and in the backyard. In Asylum she'll become Sister Jude Martin, the hellish but complex matriarch of Briarcliff Mental Institution in 1960s Massachusetts. Then by Coven you'll be treated to Fiona Goode, the world's presiding Supreme and "baddest witch in town". Every single season Lange brings it. Hard. Considering the freaky-ass nature of AHS that means regularly dancing on the edge of depravity, but her characters never play on the surface as straight-up villain or hero. Constance, Jude, and Fiona are all hard and frequently vicious women, but each is given such depth and vulnerability by Lange. Less than watching a performance, Lange makes you believe you're watching a complete and actual life play out on screen; the intricate way she moves her hands deserves an Emmy on its own. You will hate her frequently, but you'll never be able to take your eyes off her, either.
But since Horror Story has become Hollywood's favorite repertory school, we can't give all the love to just one woman. So here are the MVSPs (Most Valuable Supporting Players) for each season.
Murder House: Connie Britton as Vivien Harmon. This was Britton's first big role after Friday Night Lights wrapped (see our FNL binge-watching guide here), and considering how beloved she was as Tami Taylor, diving into a show riddled with perversions and BDSM and gratuitous violence was a big jump. But it pays off. And props to the writing team for working in a shout-out to her magnificent hair.
Asylum: Sarah Paulson as Lana Winters, a closeted lesbian and newspaper reporter willing to do whatever it takes for the big story. We got some screen time with Paulson in Murder House but in Asylum she becomes essential to the series. Take her hand and walk on this journey through hell, won't you?
Coven: Angela Bassett as Marie Laveau. It's fitting that Bassett would take the role of immortal voodoo queen, because the woman has aged about five days since Boyz N The Hood. And that was 23 years ago. Laveau is one the best characters in any season of AHS, and watching her trade barbs with Lange as Fiona Goode is a battle of supernatural divas we can't get enough of.
Seasons/Episodes You Can Skip:
Each season is a maximum of 13 episodes and then the narratives wrap up. This makes each one pretty packed with story, so we don't advise skipping any. Besides, if you do find yourself in a slow scene—and unless you're a desensitized monster you likely won't—it could turn on a dime into some beautifully stylized murderous nightmare, and we wouldn't want you to miss out on that! Just lock it down and surrender yourself to the crazy.
Seasons/Episodes You Can't Skip:
Pro tip: If you've been riding the fence on Horror Story because you're worried it's too scary or too gory or just generally too much, start with Coven. Consider it your tandem jump before throwing yourself solo out of a plane. From there, go back to Murder House and work up to Asylum as a big finish. This should build your endurance enough to maximize enjoyment and minimize breaks for questioning humanity. After all, you can't run a marathon without the proper training.
Season 1: Episode 1, "Pilot" No turning back now! From the very first scene AHS looks to weed out the faint of heart. If you make it through this, you're in for the long haul.
Season 1: Episode 10, "Smoldering Children" We literally could not even with the reveal in this episode.
Season 1: Episode 12, "Afterbirth" We never thought family fun time could be so murdery! But the Harmons know how to make the best of a bad situation.
Season 2: Episode 1, "Welcome to Briarcliff" Leave hope at the door, kids, because we're going all the way down to the ninth circle of hell this season. Asylum moves even faster than Murder House so pay attention to everything going on in this episode.
Season 2: Episode 8, "Unholy Night" Come for the Sister Mary Eunice, stay for the mass-murdering Santa played by guest star Ian McShane, who we really wish would have been a season regular.
Season 2: Episode 13, "Madness Ends" Lana Winters is everything.
Season 3: Episode 1, "Bitchcraft" As is custom for Horror Story you're neck deep in a season by the end of its premiere. Witch up, everyone, because we're going to New Orleans!
Season 3: Episode 2, "Boy Parts" "In this whole wide wicked world the only thing you have to be afraid of is me." You've just been served by Fiona Goode.
Season 3: Episode 8, "The Sacred Taking" "Surprise, bitch!" becomes a Coven anthem and probably the defining moment of Emma Roberts' career. Jessica Lange continues her reign as Supreme of our hearts.
Season 3: Episode 13, "The Seven Wonders" Feats of magic! Witch fights! Stevie Nicks!
Why You Should Binge:
If you've got at least a moderately strong constitution and predilections that lean towards the twisted, AHS is some of the most fun you can have watching TV. It's like a playhouse for working actors just daring the FCC to shut them down. Want Nazi war criminals on the run performing atrocities in the name of science? Kinky sex with men in leather suits? Oscar winner Kathy Bates doing scenes as just a severed head? A coven of witches in New Orleans insulting each other with Wizard of Oz-based jokes? Lamps made of human skin? All the freaks are flying their flags in Ryan Murphy's traveling circus!
And in true Murphy fashion, Horror Story is also comfortable with the unconventional; it presents the audience with situations, characters and even some performers we're taught not to talk about in polite company. Well, f*!k politeness! AHS is meant to make viewers squirm, but also to make them laugh and feel emotionally connected to its sometimes grotesque and often unlikable characters. It's a shameless and darkly hilarious middle finger to modesty and censorship and good manners. And it's bloody, sexy fun.
Best Scene—"The Name Game"
This is probably the weirdest scene in the entire AHS anthology, and it comes 100 percent free of blood, sex, or violence in episode 10 of Asylum. Sister Jude hallucinates a musical number in which she leads the Briarcliff Institute inmates through a rockin' performance of "The Name Game." Shirley Ellis originally performed the song in 1964, but it's brought to you here by Jessica Lange, and before you realize what's happening, this rotting pit of exploitation and human suffering is turned into American Bandstand. The juxtaposition is genius, and entirely surreal. But when you're a show that traffics in shocks, scares, and torture the craziest thing you can probably do is just pull a page from the Glee playbook. It's like watching a karaoke dance party in hell, which, when you think about it, is a perfect metaphor for the series as a whole.
The Takeaway:
Murder House: First and foremost, do not ever disrespect Connie Britton. If you have Tami Taylor you cherish her for all time. And if you buy a spectacular Victorian mansion in a beautiful neighborhood for half the market price, make sure it isn't popularly referred to as the "Murder House" and the headlining stop on an "Eternal Darkness" bus tour. Even the slightest bit of research would save you an infinite amount of trouble.
Asylum: If you decide to make your honeymoon a tour of the most haunted sites in America, you deserve whatever you find lurking in those dark hallways, Adam Levine. And for all the aspiring journalists out there: Don't let your ambition get you admitted into an asylum without an exit strategy. And tell at least 15 people on the outside what you're planning to do. No one can save you if they don't know where you are!
Coven: This is the season with the lowest barrier of entry, and is probably the most outright fun, but sassy witches with impeccable style cracking wise doesn't mean they've got it all figured out. So remember this: Never trust a grand high Supreme witch on her way out. Walk too close to an injured lion and you’ll get your face ripped clean off. And second, if you're going to devote your time to developing an ability, make it resurgence. There will always be a place on the team for a witch who can bring things back from the dead.
If You Liked American Horror Story You'll Love:
Penny Dreadful, True Blood, Salem, and, to mix it up, we'll offer a classic: The Twilight Zone. If you're into mind-bending mystery, paranormal activity, garish thrills, wanton sexuality, hyper-stylized set design, powerful female leads, over-the-top characters and/or an abundance of camp, any combination of these shows will satiate your thirst for genre television.
