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What do you get when you cross fatal betrayal in a marriage, a tipsy Sally Field, Return of the Jedi, and a secret agency dedicated to punishing dissent against Beyoncé? You get the latest WIRED week in television! The cast of The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is on its 100th week of press touring, and to break up the monotony two of its cast members—Field and Andrew Garfield—are getting straight-up silly on live TV. (For real, though, the movie opened last week and it feels like the theatrical run should have ended three months ago.) Nothing and everything happened in Westeros on Sunday night, and Amy Schumer returns to our ranks in fine form. So without any further pomp and circumstance, here's the good stuff.
If there is a capital crime in today's United States of Pop, it is speaking ill of our Queen Bey—a lesson learned the hard way by Andrew Garfield's character in this SNL sketch. Everything is wine and cheese at Daniel's intimate birthday celebration until he foolishly admits that Beyoncé's "Drunk In Love" just isn't his jam. Bad move, Daniel, because The Beygency is always listening, and they are not even trying to hear that mess from you right now. It's kind of like The Adjustment Bureau meets Eagle Eye, and it's a movie we'd totally be into provided that Yonce had some kind of Sigourney Weaver-esque supporting role. (Note: This segment as been given the royal blessing.)
The most recent Game of Thrones was pretty unremarkable. Jon Snow kept dealing with the mutineers beyond the Wall. Jojen didn't really tell Bran anything. Sansa learned there were more ways that her life can be awful. The hate star inside Arya collapsed closer to supernova. Yeah, Cersei appeared to do a drastic U-turn and go speeding toward the intersection of Humanity and Empathy, which was pretty interesting. But that's it, right? Wrong! So, so wrong. As Laura Hudson pointed out in WIRED's weekly recap of the show, buried quietly in the weird "Welcome Home!" makeout session between Lysa and Littlefinger, we were handed the biggest revelation in the whole of Thrones' 35-episode lifespan. We won't spoil it here, but watch this clip if you want to know the true story of Jon Arryn's demise and the origin of basically every plot conflict we've witnessed so far—the very first notes in the Song of Ice and Fire. Suffice to say, Lord Baelish might be running the longest con in the history of the long con.
A bit of background before you dive into this bacchanal from Monday night's Kimmel: Forever-sweetheart Sally Field is at least one tequila shot deep (but we're betting it's more like two or three) by the time Jimmy convenes his double-legend bill for this celebrity cursing competition. Field is making the rounds for The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and Julia Roberts is on hand to promote the upcoming HBO movie A Normal Heart, so why not have them thrust and parry on live TV trying to come up with the worst curse words imaginable? Roberts starts off strong, but Field is no longer some flying nun. She's here to cut a bitch, and by the time she's slumped down on Jimmy's podium while Julia gasps for air, she'll be the aunt you wish you had at every family Thanksgiving.
The satirical news game is a tough one to get into. Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are the clear kings of late-night headline send-ups, and as far as HBO goes, Bill Maher has been slathering news and newsmakers in snark for over a decade now. Fortunately for John Oliver, he is a graduate of the Stewart School of Hosting—a training regimen that worked out pretty well for the future host of The Late Show—and he's really, really funny. On last week's premiere of Last Week Tonight, Oliver called BS on POM Wonderful's claim that pomegranate juice combats prostate cancer, and also suggested the viewers put stickers of Pomeranians on their bottles of POM Wonderful to suggest it was made of dogs. Well, the good folks at POM must have been watching, because they took the time to write Oliver a letter and send the show several cases of their product. We don't know who's working PR for the juice company, but this letter filled with seemingly backhanded insults deserves to earn them a raise, STAT.
Hardcore Star Wars geeks are having a moment. May the Fourth was Star Wars Day. The cast for Episode VII was announced last week, and in world of the Goldberg family, it is time to witness the final (LOL!) installment of George Lucas' masterpiece trilogy. Adam is camping out for what may well be the best day of his life: opening night of Return of the Jedi. But since he can't go alone, he's taking older sister and hater-extraordinaire Erica with him. Erica may be talking a lot of smack, but Adam knows she's a Princess Leia cosplayer at heart. "These are still your people," he reminds her. No shame, Erica. They're our people, too.
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De Beers is so tired. A once untouchable diamond monopoly built around convincing us we need compressed and heated carbon to tell someone "I love you" is just way too 20th century. DeFears, on the other hand, is telling it like it is: "We're proud to introduce our Stolen Years Collection, because you're not sure, and you probably never will be." Thanks for keeping it real, De Fears.
We hate to bombard you two weeks in a row with Ellen Page being awesome, but—oh, wait. That's a lie. We don't hate that at all! This time Page gets the "Colbert Bump" while dishing on her outsider status as a loud and proud Canadian, and what it was like to break human rights with her own selfish decision to come out at their Time to Thrive event. Also, Colbert is looking like a better and better choice to take over for David Letterman all the time.
An Italian nun in full traditional garb crushes Irene Cara's iconic Flashdance anthem on Italy's native version of The Voice while her fellow sisters shake their groove thangs in the audience. That sounds like an elevator pitch for Sister Act 6: Rome's Got A Habit, but it’s not. It's real life, though what constitutes real life in the Republic of Berlusconi can seem like a beautiful dark twisted fantasy at times. Sister Cristina's got it all! The moves, the pipes, and probably the whole damn Vatican backing her. Admittedly, we haven't been keeping up on our The Voice of Italy, but we may have to start just to see what else Sister Xtina has under that head dressing. Forza Cristina!
This web-only SNL sketch is just...?
