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I hate mobile games. I know, I'm in the minority here. But for many reasons (the most prominent probably being the fact that I saw the cone game episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation at a weirdly young age), I am of the camp that finds obsessive games like Candy Crush Saga and Angry Birds to be dumb wastes of idle subway-riding time. Those are minutes and hours that could be better spent listening to music or catching up on the weeks' worth of Instapapered articles I've left to fester on my phone. So searing is my hatred that I have, on occasion—and I'm not proud of this—made fun of my friends for playing these games.
And yet somehow, against all sensible odds, I fell in love with Flappy Bird. Introduced to me by one of the very friends I have mocked in the past (open mouth, insert foot), these stupid little Rocky Horror-lipped avians bounced their stupid way into my hypocritical heart a mere 24 hours before creator Dong Nguyen announced that he would be removing it from the App Store. For whatever reason, it mellows my brain out in the way that zen gardens and Baoding balls are supposed to, except when I lose, I'm able to shout abrupt obscenities before immediately restarting the game and beginning the cycle again. It's a double-catharsis. I don't know why else I love it; I just do, even if my highest score is still just 9.
Anyway, while I was one of the lucky ones to download it before it disappeared, many—perhaps even you!—weren't as fortunate. But if you don't have $100k to blow on a Flappy Bird-equipped iPhone, there's still good news. Even before the game left the market, developers had begun nibbling on Nguyen's baby, and now that it's truly expired, they've swarmed the body. While the feeding frenzy has created a ton of jobs, it hasn't exactly made it any easier to sift through the zillion-banner-ad'ed free games out there on the market, so here's a boiled-down list of all the clones and knockoffs worth considering, from worst to best.
Methodology: Contestants were graded based on their similarity to Flappy Bird (as well as Nguyen's admirable dedication to freeware) while still exercising ingenuity.
Flappy Bee (Or should I say "Impostor Happy Bee")
First of all, this game isn't even a Flappy Bird knockoff; it merely changed its name from Happy Bee. Which, I mean, come on. Second of all, this is a landscape-oriented game, so not only do I, as a sad little bee, have to obtain honey from flowers that are lined up all along the side-scrolling levels, I also have to turn my phone 90 degrees. That is 90 too many degrees. It claims to be everything I love about Flappy Bird, while in reality it is everything I hate about mobile games. (At least it doesn't have hidden in-game costs.)
Grade: F
Fly Birdie/Flappy Bird Flyer
Fly Birdie is also garbage. Trashy, hot garbage. Not only are the barricade pipes so far apart that there's almost zero risk of running into one, but you're also afforded three lives. Both of those things violate the exact reason Flappy Bird, a deceptively simple game that could end within seconds, was so great (and addictive). What's worse is that even though the app is available as a free download, it attempts to tease more money, and that is one of the things I hate most about mobile games. The only two reasons Fly Birdie/Flappy Bird Flyer (kill yourself, SEO!) doesn't get an F are (a) because at least you can get a crazy high score much more easily and therefore feel comparatively a little better about yourself, and (b) cool panflute, bro.
Grade: D-
Flappy Doge, desktop
When will we be over the doge hump? (Pun intended.) While this could have been good, in actuality it is terrible. Instead of flapping, doge essentially muscle-spasms at an angle, which launches him awkwardly and predictably right into the barrier you're supposed to be launching past. It goes overboard with the extra-difficult speed thing that makes Flappy Bird a challenge and is compounded by the fact that I am so over doge memes that every time I see another, my eyes bleed dogecoins, so even if there was some way to eventually improve my skill at this version, by the time I figured it out, I would have already been bored and closed out of the window.
Grade: D
Fall Out Bird, for Android ("iOS coming soon")
All right, guys, I know you liked Flappy Bird, but that is actually not a good reason to say "yes" when someone asks you if you want to make a Fall Out Boy-themed knockoff version of the game in which the player bobs your head through guitar necks to the tune of your own music, which you are simultaneously selling to them in the top corner. I appreciate the hustle, but that's also just gross. Also, I might still be holding that ridiculous Oregon Trail knockoff against you. In general, band-branded games are kind of annoying, right?
Grade: D+
Ironpants, for iOS/Android
Flappy Bird on PCP, minus flapping. Too hard, thinks it's better than me. To hell with Ironpants.
Grade: C-
Flappy Bert, desktop
I won't lie: Flappy Bert gets major grade inflation because it was made by the folks at Sesame Street Workshop and I love everything about those wonderful, Internet-savvy people almost by default. Sure, Bert isn't as easy to navigate past barriers, as he's being carried by a bird and is famously the tall one, and he does make an extremely annoying sound whether he makes it through a barrier or falls on his face, but it's adorable and I would rather play Flappy Bert and rack up site time for Sesame Street than I would something like that disgusting imposter Flappy Bee.
Grade: B+
Flappy Bird: Drake Edition OVO, jailbroken iOS
Even though it's kind of lazy as a Flappy Bird clone with a mod that replaces our little bird friend with Drake's head, Flappy Bird: Drake Edition OVO is still fun, if only because after Drake threw a hissy fit about losing his Rolling Stone cover to the late Philip Seymour Hoffman, it's a fitting catharsis to lose on purpose repeatedly just to see Aubrey's bobbing little head flop facefirst onto the ground. It doesn't get an A, because you have to jailbreak an iPhone to download it from Cydia, but well done, in any case. Tuck that sensitive rapper back in his pajama clothes.
Grade: B+
Maverick Bird, desktop
This is probably the most delightfully terrifying Flappy Bird knockoff, not only because you play as an amorphous gray blob hurtling through unknown space, but also because this bugger is fast. Just like when you first play the original, Super Hexagon creator and indie genius Terry Cavanagh's super-simplified version is simultaneously exciting and confusing, and it takes a few tries to get used to the speed and controls, but ultimately it's just as rewarding as the original, and uses not a single green Nintendo pipe to do so.
Grade: A-
Floaty Squid, desktop
This is my favorite of the knockoffs that don't copy and paste Flappy Bird code and then add their own skin. Thrown together by one Edward Dinola, Floaty Squid is a browser game, which means it doesn't matter which kind of phone you have, and it's a little easier because your little squid guy floats instead of flaps, thus allowing a larger margin for error, while also adding a bit more of the zen that made the original Flappy so good. True, it takes away the finer points of what made Flappy Bird so aggressively addicting (with the original, sometimes you're not quite sure how the hell you lost, or how you're miraculously improving, while with Squid it's pretty easy to tell), but the simple graphics and the smoother cruise more than make up for it.
Grade: A-
Splashy Fish
Apparently there is a whole host of Flappy [insert animal, toilet, UFO, or football here] clones of Flappy Bird, but I like Splashy Fish the best, mainly because (a) it makes sense for this sine-wavy game to take place underwater (see: Floaty Squid, above), but also because those dumb little birds totally look like Cheep-Cheeps from the Mario franchise anyway. Splashy Fish is a lot more brazen (these fish are definitely Cheep-Cheep doppelgängers on purpose), which is kind of punk in a way that I admire, so download it before Nintendo actually does bother to slap a lawsuit on someone.
Grade: A
