Tomorrow is not the busiest travel day of the year. It's not even the busiest travel day of Thanksgiving week -- that would be Sunday. But the day before Thanksgiving is a busy day indeed for airlines, and with the holiday travel season here, we wanted to provide some invaluable tips for making airline travel better for you, and for the people sitting alongside you in the same aluminum (or carbon composite) tube.
Trust us, you'll want all the advice you can get. If you've got a flight tomorrow, you're joining a bit less than 2.5 million people taking to the skies. A bit more than 2.5 million will fly Sunday. All told, airlines expect to fly 1.5 percent more people this turkey day season than they did during the same period last year.
Crowded airplanes are good news for the airlines, but they invariably lead to longer, slower boarding times and more unspoken battles over armrests than anybody cares to admit. Air travel is still amazing when you compare it to the alternative -- ever taken a bus cross-country? But there's always room for improvement, and no end of people with ideas.
There are plenty of business travelers out there with blogs and Twitter feeds offering sage advice, but few frequent fliers keep their advice as brash and succinct as FlyerHulk. The great green superhero can't fly like Superman, so he has to ride the airlines with us mere mortals. He flies a lot, in everything from commuter turboprops to long-haul wide bodies, and offers a running commentary on his experiences and insights with a laugh-out-loud funny Twitter feed. We caught up with the often angry muscle man last weekend after he returned to the East Coast on a multi-leg haul from Sydney, Australia. Here's what he told us.
WIRED: You must be exhausted after the trip home from Sydney. Do you have any secrets for dealing with flights lasting 12+ hours, or the jet lag from changing so many time zones?
HULK: FLYERHULK DRINKING GAME: ONE DRINK FOR EVERY PERSON WHO HAS NO IDEA HOW TO OPEN LAV DOOR. TWO DRINKS WHEN PASSENGER INTERRUPT SOMEONE WHO DIDN’T LOCK DOOR. THREE DRINKS WHEN LINE GO LONGER THAN 20 IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING CONCLUSION OF TERRIBLE MOVIE STARRING THE ROCK. ALSO, TO AVOID DEEP VEIN THROMBOSIS ON LONG FLIGHT, ALWAYS DO AWKWARD YOGA BENDOVER POSE THREE INCHES FROM FACE OF PERSON SITTING AT BULKHEAD. REPEAT NINE TIMES FOR EVERY THIRTY MINUTE OF FLIGHT.
W: A lot of people complain a lot about the lack of space on an airplane. You're a pretty big guy. Any tips on finding the most room to stretch out on your next flight?
H: THE BULKHEAD SHOULD BE CALLED THE HULKHEAD, BECAUSE THAT’S BEST PLACE TO CRUSH TIMEZONE. EXIT ROW ALSO GOOD. HULK USE ELITE STATUS TO DESTROY UPGRADE WAITLIST. FIERCE ALLEGIANCE TO AIRLINE MASTER BRING BIG REWARD FOR PAIN AND SUFFERING.
W: You spend a lot of time in both big and small airliners. Do you find turboprops or the bigger jets are better travelers?
H: BEST WAY TO START DAY IS ON TINY TURBOPROP PAIN CHAMBER. REALLY LOOK FORWARD TO THE GENEROUS TINY CUP OF WATER SERVICE AMID SWEET SOUND OF HURRICANE. WIDEBODY PLANE WORK BEST FOR WIDEBODY HULK. SOMETIME HULK PAY MORE OR WAIT EXTRA TIME TO TAKE BIG JET INSTEAD OF TINY PRINGLE CAN WITH PROPELLERS, FULL OF GARBAGE STENCH. BIG PLANE HAVE BIGGER FIRST CLASS, SO UPGRADE MORE POSSIBLE TOO.
W: Most airlines aren't serving much food these days. Any tips for keeping hunger at bay during a long flight?
H: IF YOU ARE HUNGRY AT 5:00 AM, LEAVE THE RAW ONION OFF GROSS SUBWAY SANDWICH. REGIONAL JET IS NOT BIG ENOUGH TO HANDLE THAT STENCH. ALSO GOOGLE WHAT BREAKFAST SUPPOSED TO BE. HULK RECOMMEND BRING ABOARD BEEF JERKY. CHEW AT TAKEOFF INSTEAD OF GUM, MAKE EAR FEEL GREAT AND INGEST MORE MEAT ALL AT SAME TIME. PLUS WHO CAN DENY THE PLEASANT ODOR OF JERKY IN A CONFINE SPACE? FLYERHULK NORMALLY DRINK HUGE FLAVORED LATTE PRIOR TO BOARD TIME. SUCH HOT LIQUID PIE ALWAYS AVAILABLE AT AIRPORT STARBUCKS. NO BETTER WAY TO GET 5000 CALORIE IN PORTABLE EATING DEVICE.
W: During the winter holiday season weather often causes delays. Any suggestions on how best to deal with all that extra time at the airport, or advice on how to reschedule a flight?
H: IF YOUR FLIGHT CANCELLED, SMASH THE NEAREST BLUETOOTH-WEARING MORON AND THEN CALL AIRLINE FOR REBOOKING. WAIT IN LINE IS ONLY FOR NOOBS.
W: What about getting ready to board? Do you see any common problems at the gate?
H: HULK TOTAL BRAINCRUSH EVERY PERSON WHO ARE IN BOARDING GROUP 5 AND TRY TO RUSH FIRST CLASS BOARDING LANE. BUT FLYERHULK APPLAUD MAVERICK BUSINESS MAN STANDING IN BOARDING LANE 90 MINUTES PRIOR TO DEPARTURE. YOU WILL DEFINITELY GET BEST PILLOW FILLED WITH COTTON DUST.
W: So should passengers just wait in their seats until their boarding group is called?
H: FLYERHULK SMASH YOUR FACE LIKE GRAPE IF YOU NO WAIT YOUR TURN. TSA BODYSCAN PROVIDE EXTRA RADIATION BOOST TO HULK, SO NOT RECOMMENDED TO TEST THIS POLICY. JUST USE EXTRA TIME TO HUMBLEBRAG ABOUT YOUR TRIP TO JEALOUS FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK.
W: And then there's actually getting on the plane. It seems flight attendants are constantly reminding people to take their seats and get out of the aisle.
H: FLYERHULK SURE THAT ONLY PROCESS THAT TAKE LONGER THAN BOARD 757 WAS THE SEPARATION OF PANGEA. BEFORE FLYING, PRACTICE UNPACK AND REPACK CARRY ON 17 TIMES WHILE ENTIRE PLANE WAIT TO BOARD BEHIND YOU. HULK TOTALLY SURE THAT INCREASINGLY ANGRY FLIGHT ATTENDANT ANNOUNCEMENT REALLY HELP MOVE PEOPLE OUT OF AISLE. BECAUSE ULTRA SLOW PEOPLE IN AISLE ARE DEFINITELY CAPABLE OF BEING ASHAMED. NEVER READ YOUR PLANE TICKET TO SEE WHAT SEAT YOU HAVE BEFORE BOARDING. JUST GO TO ROW ONE AND STAND THERE FUMBLE WITH TICKET FOR FIVE MINUTE LIKE IT WAS PRINTED IN SANSKRIT.
W: Going through the security lines can still pose issues for some travelers. Whether it's leaving liquids in their carry-on, or having metal in their pockets, some people don't seem to understand the basics. Even though you travel shirtless, what techniques do you use to make the security check a breeze?
H: HULK TAKE OFF EVERYTHING THAT PISS OFF BODYSCANNER BEFORE EVEN GO TO TSA CHECKPOINT. JUST STUFF IT IN BAG AND PASS THROUGH LIKE A BOSS. PICK UP YOUR STUFF AND KEEP WALK AFTER SCAN. USE TABLE OR BENCH AT VERY END TO RECOMBOBULATE. IF YOU STOP AT FIRST OPPORTUNITY TO PAINSTAKINGLY TIE YOUR SHOE HULK WILL KICK YOU LIKE FOOTBALL INTO NEXT TERMINAL.
W: What about picking up your luggage at baggage claim?
H: HULK SMASH BAGGAGE CLAIM CRETINS WHO STAND ONE INCH AWAY FROM BAG CHUTE. NOBODY WANT YOUR STUPID ANIMAL PRINT ROLLABOARD FULL OF SWEATPANTS. HULK RAGE WITH POWER OF THOUSAND SUNS AT MORON BRIGADE WHO CREATE IMPENETRABLE HUMAN SHIELD AROUND ENTIRE BAG BELT. IF EVERYONE TAKE ONE STEP BACK, EVERYONE COULD PROBABLY REACH THEIR BAG WHEN IT COME OUT.
