Word has it that nearly a hundred thousand ordinary people have applied to appear on an upcoming Dutch reality television show. Ordinary, that is, except for their deep insanity, because this reality television show takes place on Mars.
The concept is that a bunch of folks get shipped off to Mars to establish a colony, presumably swear at and sleep with each other while having any brand names on their clothing pixelated out, and then, once the ratings decline, not come back. Ever.
Call me sedate, but that's not something I would do. Go into space, sure. Go to Mars, maybe. Go to Mars forever, probably not. Go to Mars on a mission conceived and funded by a Dutch television production company? Oh heavens no. I looked up the history of Dutch space missions, and all I found was that there's a band called "Dutch Space Mission." I'd love to have my name become a household word, but there are good household words and there are bad household words. Just ask ill-fated 17th century British explorer Captain James Dumbass.
Nonetheless, reality TV is full of bad ideas. Arguably the shows contain more bad ideas than they do actual reality. So in hopes of cashing in and being able to afford a fence to keep out all the Dutch people who are now mad at me, I'm pitching the following science-fiction-meets-science-reality shows.
Adam and Eleven
Since Mars is taken, we'll have to establish a colony on the Moon. We send up one guy, whose main qualifications are that he's good-looking and named Adam, and eleven women, ideally all named Eve. You probably see where this is going. Adam must pick the one woman with whom he is going to populate the entire Moon, which is to say that all the ladies get to debase themselves for him and then talk smack about the other ladies for debasing themselves for him. What about the incest issue? I smell spin-off!
Gordon Ramsay's Hunger Games
Apart from those who expected Rue to be white, the people most disappointed by the Hunger Games movie were those who thought it was going to be an action-packed version of Julie & Julia. We satisfy their cravings by taking the basic Hunger Games concept – a battle to the death in hostile territory – and making it scary by adding Gordon Ramsay. By day, the players desperately form allegiances that they know will end in betrayal, and in the evening Chef Ramsay parachutes in to yell at them for broiling their grubs and tree bark instead of braising.
Pawn Star Trek
Three generations of men who share a love of memorabilia as well as a perfectly spherical torso shape are challenged to explore the inner solar system in a homemade spaceship. Too easy? The catch is, they have to build their ship entirely out of items sold to them by desperate and deluded Las Vegas lowlifes who were told that their family wrench was hand-forged by Paul Revere. Helping the leads are a number of historical experts, all of whom give you the creepy feeling that they masturbate while sniffing Strawberry Shortcake dolls.
RuPaul's Space Race
RuPaul is in command at "Emission Control" where she oversees a gaggle of drag queen "Ass-tronauts" as they all race to be the first to land their ship on "the biggest mons on Venus." Each week, her spacefaring "E.T.V.s" must complete a new "Cute Sex-Related Pun on Task," ranging from lip syncing to "Space Oddity," to designing a stunning ball gown out of radiation shielding and barf bags, to cleaning up the revolting side-effects of radiation poisoning. The prize? Ten thousand dollars, and appearances on every TV show RuPaul does forever.
Losers in Space
In a reality TV mega-crossover, all the most disturbing and terrible families from television are thrown into one large dorm. These families – including the beardos from Duck Dynasty, the weirdos from Honey Boo Boo, and an indeterminate number of Kardashians – compete each week to be voted "Most Appalling" by the viewing audience. The winning family is put in a space capsule and launched into the sun.
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Born helpless, naked and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg overcame these handicaps to become a celebrity, an authority, and a charity.
