Over the holidays there were two things on my mind: the works of J.R.R. Tolkien (because The Hobbit opened), and Disneyland (because we took a trip there). As my mind wandered one day, I thought to myself "what if Disney bought all the rights to Tolkien's work, and re-branded everything in Disneyland with Middle Earth-related names?"
Yeah, well, I was on vacation.
Anyway, the following are some extremely silly ideas in that theme. Though, if you think about it, wouldn't it just be totally awesome if they *did*? Also, fair warning - I'm a bit of a Tolkien nut, so some of this is very deep lore:
Doom Mountain: The best indoor roller coaster in the world changes its theme from a trip through the galaxy to a trip through the fiery mountain where the One Ring was forged, ending in a plunge into the (simulated) lava - make sure your hands are raised for the camera!
The Many Adventures of Radagast the Brown: A whimsical children's ride in Critter Country where riders travel through scenes from the nature-loving wizard's travels around the Hundred Acre Mirkwood.
__The Haunted Minas Morgul:__Take a ride on your "doom buggy" through the scariest place in Disneyland, where the Witch King of Agmar rules over evil orcs, goblins, and various singing undead jumping out of their coffins. Thrill to the floating palantir showing images of the devastation of the Shire at the hands of Sharky's minions.
White Mountains Bobsleds: Race through the snowy peaks that separate Rohan and Gondor, from the glacial peaks to the depths of the Dwimorburg. But will you dare tread the Paths of the Dead? Bonus: At night, they light the Beacon of Gondor on the peak where, it's said in legend, there is a basketball court.
Indiana Jones Mines of Moria Adventure: The famous archeologist has vanished looking for the ancient treasures of the Dwarves, but his faithful friend Sullah will lead your party on a madcap ride through the mines. Just don't stare into the Eye of Sauron, or you too will be complaining "why did it have to be Balrogs?"
The Rangers' Hidden Lair on Prince Faramir's Island: Ride across the Rivers of Middle Earth via a Corsair of Umbar or one of the Took's Canoes, and explore Henneth Annun like the Rangers did, spying on the forces of Mordor. Take refuge by the Hidden Pool, and play in the caves. Just don't take any fish, because there's always a hidden archer keeping tabs on you.
Galadriel's Treehouse: Climb through the leaves and branches of a great Mallorn tree of Lorien, stepping from flet to flet to see scenes from the life of the great queen of the Sindar, and the magic of the adamant ring Nenya. If you make it all the way to the top, you can purchase your very own phial of water from the magic mirror (no, not THAT magic mirror).
The Enchanted Pukel Room: Enjoy the pre-show outside with the carved stone figures of the Pukel men teach you of the history of the 2nd Age. Then find your seat inside and get ready! You won't be able to help but sing along as the animatronic Ents and coneys lead you in rousing chorus after chorus: "All the wargs sing words and the elanor croons, in the Pukel Pukel Pukel Pukel Pukel room!"
It's a Small World: Riding boats down a simulated Brandywine River while frolicking hobbits sing their happy song to scenes from the four farthings of the Shire:
That's right, they didn't even have to change the name of the ride to make it work.
Green Dragon Inn: The best place to stop for a bite to eat on Main Street, Middle Earth. Enjoy some lebas bread, or a nice brace of coneys. Alas, though, you can't get a pint of beer (yes, they come in pints); no booze. This is Disneyland after all. For that, you'll have to go over to the other park: Disney's Numenorean Adventure.
Okay, yes, this was all a bit of silliness, and should perhaps give us pause before getting too excited about news of Universal possibly developing a Tolkien-inspired theme park. But it's still fun to do the old "what if?" So, how would you re-brand the rides at Disneyland to be more Middle Earthy? Leave your ideas in the comments!
