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Scientists recently unveiled video of a live giant squid swimming in the Pacific Ocean. This is an important breakthrough for marine biology, because until now the evidence for the existence of the mysterious mollusk was made up of 5 percent corpses and 95 percent scrimshaw.
While researchers continue to debate the implications and significance of this footage, we found ourselves wondering what the squid thinks about all this. We contacted the giant squid and arranged for an interview. The conditions given for the interview were that we had to meet the squid in his own environment, over a third of a mile beneath the surface of the ocean; that we publish the interview in its entirety; and that there would be no questions related to Spongebob Squarepants.
Wired: Thanks for talking with us. The first question that comes to mind is "why so secretive?" Why has it taken so long for you to show up on video?
Giant Squid: Timing, man. I've been watching this whole web video thing unfold for, like, a decade now. Like when that skinny hotel chick was in that creepy green sex video? Blew up big-time for her. I almost made my own sex tape then, but my agent thought the world wasn't ready to see an undersea mollusk releasing a spermatophore from his prehensile penis. Of course, now I think cephalopod porn has its own subreddit. May have missed the turning point there.
Wired: Wait, you have an agent?
Giant Squid: Oh, sure. Most mysterious undersea creatures signed up with agencies when Cousteau made his deal with the television networks. Obviously, some of us made out better than others. Great white sharks? You can't even talk to them anymore, they're all Spielberg this and Discovery Channel that. On the other hand, sea devils – you know, those glowy fish with the head-lure thing? – they did pretty well, but they don't let it go to their heads. Which is impressive considering they're like 90 percent head.
Wired: But you decided not to cash in?
Giant Squid: Oh, don't get me wrong. I've been doing okay. My agent got me this great deal. Every time something with tentacles attacks a ship or a submarine or something? I get royalties. Even if it's, like, an octopus. Or just a tentacle, lots of guys just show the tentacles because they're cheaper. Anyhow, my agent managed to convince the studios that any tentacled sea creature that attacks a ship is BASICALLY a giant squid. Want to know why the gigantic octopi don't complain? Because there ARE no gigantic octopi. Biggest ones aren't as long as one of my tentacles. Those tiny bastards have been stealing my cred for like forever.
Wired: Some say that you're the inspiration for the Kraken. Is that true?
Giant Squid: How the hell should I know? Do I look like Guthormr Sindri? I –
Wired: Wait, what?
Giant Squid: Guthormr Sindri? The 10th-century Norwegian skald?
Wired: I don't –
Giant Squid: Don't they have history books on the surface? Anyhow, for all I know the Kraken was inspired by a round of moldy lutefisk. I do know this, though. You know Clash of the Titans? The original one with the poofy hair and Burgess Meredith? Remember the Kraken in that one? No tentacles. That's because they were too cheap to pay up. They originally had the classic Kraken with the suckers and everything, but when my agent sent them an invoice they just put hands on the end of this tentacles and told him to go screw. They changed that in the remake, of course. First thing you see of the Kraken? Tentacles. You can't have a Kraken without tentacles, it doesn't work.
Wired: So, ironically, you've been making a good bit of money from film without appearing on film yourself. So why change now?
Giant Squid: Like I said, timing. My whole brand has been "mysterious." If I just appeared on Animal Planet and posed for the camera like a damn penguin, I'd be just another funky-looking sea creature. My whole deal is that I don't give it all away. Still, you can only hump the pole for so long before the audience demands to see the bra come off. So we cut a deal with ORCA [the Ocean Research and Conservation Association] and the Japanese guys [the National Science Museum of Japan]. Real classy outfits. I give them 18 minutes, they show the world, and my brand gets a boost. I'm thinking long term. Not like clownfish, look at them. Made their big Nemo deal, then signed on with every straight-to-DVD ripoff outfit that sent them a fax. Overexposure. Even the sea anemones won't touch them.
Wired: So what's –
Giant Squid: Get it? 'Cause they hide in sea anemones?
Wired: Okay.
Giant Squid: Ahh, whatever.
Wired: So what's next for the giant squid?
Giant Squid: Well, there's that 20,000 Leagues movie in the works, [David] Finchner's behind that, so we have high hopes for that one. If it takes off it could lead to more giant squid visibility. Not literally, of course. You guys got your glimpse, I'll let the nerds drool over that one for a while before I consider more live appearances.
Wired: So no spermatophore release anytime soon?
Giant Squid: Ha ha, you wish.
[Born helpless, naked and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg became a cephalopod, a cephalophore, and a cephalophage.]
