After a careful frame-by-frame analysis of the footage, interviews with all of the parties involved, 3D rendered model reenactments, and a bit of soul searching, we here at GeekDad labs can now definitively lay one of the great controversies of our time to rest: Greedo shot first.
This retracts statements made in our earlier article "We Don’t Care What You Say, George: Han Shot First!"
A point of controversy since the release of the special "enhanced" edition version of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, many long time fans had taken it hard that their cherished childhood memories of their favorite anti-hero, Han Solo, sticking it to the creepy galactic bounty hunter Greedo, proved to be false.
The controversy centers around a scene in the Mos Eisley Cantina where Greedo and Han are faced off at a table with the menacing Greedo holding a blaster at point blank range. The editing of the original version used close ups of Han and Greedo. Fortunately, the enhanced version uses us a wider shot, clearly showing Greedo's blaster going off several micro-seconds before Han Solo's blaster.
When asked about Greedo's marksmanship, Mos Eisley Cantina barkeep and noted flower arranger Chalmun Jones confirmed, "Yeah, Greedo came in here all the time shooting off his blaster almost as often as he shot off his mouth. And, let me tell you something, that pencil necked, bug eyed, pin cushion couldn't hit the broad side of a Jawa Sandcrawler, especially if he had a few in him, if you know what I mean."
Is everybody satisfied now?
The author of the original — now debunked — GeekDad article, GeekDad editor and fan-favorite Han Solo impersonator Matt Blum had this to say: "Look, I was a kid when I saw Star Wars the first time. I was impressionable." When pressed as to whether he was fully satisfied, Matt nodded his head, "I'm convinced now. There's no way Han shot first. It wasn't in his nature to do it. I just don't know what I'm going to do with the 253 boxes of 'Han Shot First! It's Just Good Parenting' bumper stickers I still have left."
And what does the long-disparaged creator of the Star Wars franchise have to say? When asked about the final resolution to the long standing controversy, famed filmmaker and Wookie casual ware model, George Lucas responded "It’s a movie, just a movie."
But the controversy may not be over yet. There are some litigious fans for whom empirical evidence may not be enough, and their only recourse may be the courts to resolve this impasse. Even the usually calm and reasonable radio personality Glenn Beck went so far as to say "I would like [George Lucas] at least tried for movie crimes. I’m not going for the death penalty, but you could talk me into it."
In the immortal words of Han Solo "We're not out of this yet."
Other Retractions and Corrections From GeekDad:
GeekDad incorrectly reported that famed Avenger and tadpole racer Hawkeye is the world's worst archer. He is, in fact, only the world's 3rd worst archer.
The GeekDad post titled "100 Things Your Kids May Never Know About" may not apply to you if your kids are over 30 years of age.
The GeekDad post titled "The 5 Best Christmas Specials, Ever" should have been titled "The 5 Best Christmas Specials So Far" because in 2027 there will be a Christmas special that replaces #5 on the list.
The GeekDad post titled "67 Books Every Geek Should Read to Their Kids Before Age 10," should have, in fact, been titled "67 Books Most Geeks Should Read to Their Kids Before Age 10." Well known geek and spoon collector Beverly Smith of Springfield, MT, should not read The Phantom Tollbooth to her son: It would give him nightmares.
GeekDad erroneously reported a list of the "Five Best Toys of All Time." Jonathan Liu, the article's author, has admitted that he was wrong, saying "Yeah, I screwed up. The Slinky and the Rubik's Cube are much better toys than dirt, sticks, boxes, cardboard tubes, or string."
Thanks to Matt Blum, Jonathan Liu, and Nathan Barry for help on this one.
