If you've been following Wired's culture coverage, you may have noticed an occasional off-handed mention of The Avengers, an obscure art film hitting theaters this week. Fans are eagerly awaiting the chance to see outlandish characters like Thor, Iron Man and Joss Whedon in action, but those with a less encyclopedic knowledge of Marveldom may be confused by names like "Hawkeye" (the guy from M*A*S*H?) and "Black Widow" (the Motley Crüe song?).
Sure, Marvel Studios had to pull a couple second-stringers into the movie, which opens Friday in the United States, but it could have been worse. The Avengers have been around since 1963, and over the years the superhero crew has had literally a large number of members, reserve members, honorary members and honorary reserve members, many of whom make Black Widow and Hawkeye look like Superman and Batman. (OK, Green Lantern and the Martian Manhunter.)
Here are some of the lesser-known members of the Marvel Comics team.
Swordsman
This guy has so many problems, starting with his desperate-salesman-at-the-hotel-bar mustache and his Buck-Rogers-by-way-of-Hulk-Hogan outfit. The real issue here, though, is that he is described as having a sword that shoots lightning, fire and death rays. Um, that's not a sword that shoots stuff, that's a gun that you can poke people with. He shouldn't be Swordsman, he should be Death-Ray-With-a-Pointy-Bit-at-the-End Man.
Hercules
Ah, the heady Silver Age days of Marvel Comics, when creativity flowered like mold in a Portland basement. For instance, after creating the groundbreaking superhero Thor – a god sent to Earth to fight evil – the pulp publisher went right ahead and created Hercules – a demigod sent to Earth to fight evil. Hercules is essentially an emergency backup Thor, even sporting an adamantine mace to match Thor's much-more-awesomer hammer. I guess we should just be glad nobody handed Stan Lee a book about Buddhism.
Two-Gun Kid
OK, your superhero group includes guys who can fly and squat-lift Nebraska, and somehow you bring a cowboy – a plain old regular cowboy – from the past into the present. Do you ...
(a) Invite him to join your team?
(b) Whatever this option is, it's better than (a).
Not only does the Two-Gun Kid not have powers, he's not even immunized. On top of all this, what kind of name is "Two-Gun Kid"? Having two guns is more a function of disposable income than anything else. That's like having a hero named "Captain Rotary Saw" or "The Amazing iPad Owner."
The Whizzer
He's a speedster, just like the Flash or Quicksilver or Kid Flash or Johnny Quick or the original Quicksilver from the '40s. But The Whizzer's real power appears to be the ability to ignore the snickers of schoolchildren whenever he says his name. He's pretty lame even by the standards of speedster characters, having gotten his powers from a mutagenic fogbank and needing regular rest after using his powers. But as urine-themed characters go, he's pretty OK.
Masque
Masque is a "bio-duplicate" – which is like a clone except you're written by Stan Lee – of a villainess named Madame Masque, who has a disfigured face that she covers with a golden mask. Madame Masque is a member of the Maggia – which is like the mafia except you're written by Stan Lee – who has no actual powers, and who created clones of herself for protection even though that makes precious little sense. Anyhow, one of the clones turns good and joins the Avengers and my main question is, how in Grodd's name can you create bio-duplicates of yourself and still not be able to fix your scarred face?
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Born helpless, naked and unable to fend for himself, Lore Sjöberg overcame these handicaps to become an avenger, a defender and a super friend.
