Movie Interuptus: Talking Your Way Through a Movie

My second year at college began with a semester at the University of Southern Maine, three thousand miles from home. The college I attended happened to share dorms with two other schools, both of whom started a week earlier than mine. Their arrival therefore coincided with the early arrival of international students. During that first week we went to see *Shaft *at the local Nickelodeon, it cost $2 a head at the time. We took along some of our new American friends, one of whom talked incessantly throughout the entire movie. We soon forgot about this annoying yank, and only as we were leaving three months later did we realize it was our friend Ben, my now husband. I get very irritated when people talk through a movie at the cinema, but I have no qualms about chatting through a movie at home, just ask anyone who knows me.

My chatter tends to fall into two categories:

The first comes down to my need to know what is about to happen. I am one of those people who spend the entire movie voicing the following:

• Is he going to die? He’s going to die isn’t he? Just tell me if he dies and then I’ll be okay.
• She’s the killer isn’t she? It has to be her. Oh yes she did it.
• What’s in the box? You have to tell me what’s in the box!!!
• Well I’ve read the book so I know he can’t die… unless they changed it for the movie… did they change it for the movie?
• Well Mr. X can’t die, he’s a main character, there’s no way there are killing him off… are they?
• Oh I've seen this, is this the part where (insert annoying spoiler here)?

Should you be watching a movie with me and the above occurs, just ignore me. For if you answer my questions thinking it will silence me, you will be wrong and get a whole new set of questions.

The second category of movie interuptus relates to facts I may know about the movie, whether it be actual movie trivia, things that I like/dislike about the movie each time or information on how the movie pertains to me:

• During The Two Towers, I will always comment that when seeing the film in the cinema, the fire alarm went off at the very moment the first arrow is fired at Helm’s Deep, forcing us all outside for twenty minutes.
• During The Return of the King, I will always criticize Aragon’s accent as he beckons the mouth of Sauron to come speak with him. All of a sudden he’s Irish!
• During Disney movies, I will sing along with songs and I will speak lines before they are spoken. I will also give any and all information I have about Walt's involvement with the film in question.
• During any movie set in New York, I will point out places I have been.
• If I have watched the making of, or director’s commentary of a film, I will tell you everything that I found interesting, even if you watched the making of or director’s commentary with me.
• During Star Wars I will point out every actor that has signed my Return of the Jedi storybook, which is most of them.

I am my own Mystery Science Theater, but more annoying I’m told, than funny. I try and tone it down when watching movies with anyone other than close friends and family, and I don’t think even they find it particularly cute. It is genetic however, so I can happily chat with my mum through an entire movie.

So, would you punch me, participate or turn my commentary into a drinking game?