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There's a thing about New Year's resolutions: we don't keep them. We make lists of empty promises to ourselves but usually the complexity of them doesn't help them come to fruition. Back in 2010 I wrote a list of resolutions that I didn't keep. Last year I wrote a list of resolutions ... that I didn't keep. Though I did end that list with this statement: "Scrap the whole damn list. Who am I kidding? I'm just gonna sit around and play Black Ops all year."
Basically, by the end of January we're all liars (to ourselves) and the resolutions were nothing more than an excited response to celebrating the New Year. Resolutions are fantasy. The previous lists had all these great geeky goals on them, but the truth of the matter is that I was dreaming. Dreams fueled by hypocrisy and false truths about my resolve, my motivation and inspiration. So this year I decided to do something a little different for my annual resolutions post. I decided to (as the kids say) get real.
So, after asking my Twitter friends and putting a minor amount of thought into it after being not hungover on New Year's Day, I've come up with a list of 12 realistic resolutions that are, honestly, boring and mundane as hell. I think that's the point though; we live such crazy lives in this chaotic time in the world, so why not celebrate the mundane a little bit more? Why not take the time to (ugh) stop and smell the roses? I think you'll find that no matter who you are, what you are going through in your life and how you picture 2012 rolling out, you'll be able to wrap your head around and fully realize these resolutions.
1. Smile at More Random People
The world is a chaotic place right now. The economy is faltering, people are protesting in the streets and the sub-prime mortgage lending numbers still suck. While we all think we can have an impact on the world as a whole, the truth of the matter is that we have more of an impact on the world directly around us than we know. So instead of going through your day to day with the burdens of the world on your shoulders, smile. You're alive, you've got friends and sometimes you've got delicious bacon. Of course, smiling at random people can have undesired side effects outside of passing on the positive vibes: someone weirder than you might be smiling back. (Suggested by @C_Hipke)
2. Eat More Fruits and Veggies
This one is more important than we might think. Part of becoming an adult was being able to make your own irresponsible food choices, but then how can we expect our children to make the right choices until they become adults? It might be time to stop eating boxes of Count Chocula like they are going out of style and hit up a pile of veggies instead. I can't believe I just typed that sentence. It feels like some sort of betrayal. I'm sorry Count, I just... just can't do it anymore. It's not you. It's me. The good news is, pizza is a vegetable now. (Suggested by @krissy314)
3. Watch Less Crap on TV
This might be one resolution that gets lost in translation. What is your idea of crap on TV? My idea of crap on TV is every show highlighting the deplorable state of humanity in America - I'm looking at you, TLC. Reality television is slowly ruining the state of what we consider entertainment and what we consider success. A star on a reality show is suddenly a celebrity, worthy of our pandering and attention? Of course I'm jealous. They get paid to be morons on television. I want to be a moron on television. Since I can't, and I actually have a moral system that rises just above that nonsense, let's just not watch. Of course, that's like saying when there's a crash in NASCAR, turn away. (Suggested by @johnmadden78)
4. Trip Emo Kids.
____ Before you go all nuts, don't actually take this one literally and start walking around injuring the emo kids. "Emo" is short for emotional and these days it's a mix of drama kids, goth kids and disenchanted hipsters. It's a weird blend of kids who think that what they are going through, no one else has before them. So take "trip" as a figurative statement, and trip up their way of thinking. Sadly, a lot of these kids are bullied on a regular basis, and we know that if you mix that with their overemotional response, bad stuff can happen. So (and I have a 13 year old emo kid) sit them down and talk to them. Tell them stories from your childhood, let them know they aren't the only one and nothing they are feeling or doing is original. This kind of perspective they dismiss at first, but it gets in there. Of course, feel free to trip all the hipsters you want. (Suggested by @Doulaval)
5. Take More Naps.
Sleep is important. We live such hectic lives, we tend to forget that and Americans as a whole aren't getting enough sleep. I got a cool clock earlier this year to help with that, but honestly I'm not using it properly. What I did do was switch my work schedule to come in later, so I get better sleep, and that has worked. Part of the problem is the constant stimulation in a social media heavy world, it's become hard to just turn it all off for long periods of time. So naps are perfect, if you can fit them in. They don't have to be all snuggled in your bed: you can nap in your car, at your desk, under your desk, in a bathroom stall, in the server room, during a lecture, in IKEA or in a scrapyard. (Suggested by @timlav)
6. Don't Eat Any Chain Pizza.
____ Since pizza is a vegetable as previously mentioned, you should probably strive to eat more of it. However, you should probably try to seek out the local places making good quality pizza with all the random deliciousness of not following some corporate guideline. I'm a traditionalist. I'm a New York style pizza guy and I believe that the hunks of dough served to us by the chain stores is just not pizza. It's bread with sauce. There is a place in town (and I live in Florida) that actually imports their water from New York to make the dough. That's where I get my pizza. To all you Chicago Deep Dish lovers, enjoy your pizza pot pie. (Suggested by @Atomheartmutha)
7. Don't Be Overtaken by Paperwork.
For years now offices around the country have been swearing that they are going paperless, though few succeed with that environmentally friendly goal. I've managed to find a couple major problems that are holding that goal back from being achieved. First off, fax machines. Really? Why do we have no less than four active fax machines in the office? Why is there paper for people to fax? A developer on acid spinning in a giant imaginary tea cup could write a web form with little difficulty. Second, let go. Stop printing out your emails. Stop printing out pages and pages of reports. Just don't delete your emails, and learn how to give a visual presentation without flop sweating your way out of the conference room. (Suggested by @theblondeview)
8. Mayans Say We're all Gonna Die by Rabid Draconian Bunnies.
____ Last year some religious fanatics suggested that the world was going to end, the rapture was going to come and we'd all be judged. I think the rapture is already come and gone, and the only ones saved we didn't know anyway. We get to toil in a world of reality television, tofu bacon and senseless wars. This year, though, the religious aspect takes a side step to allow the conspiracy theorists to shine. The Mayan calendar has been all the rage lately, you'd think it was touring with Lady Gaga. Frankly, I think there is a better chance we'll see her wearing jeans and a t-shirt than the world actually ending because the Mayans picked a completely arbitrary date to end their calendar. For a society that is no longer around today, I don't think we should put much faith in their future predictors. (Suggested by @Menolly07)
9. Go Straight for Project Funding.
It's high time we start taking charge of our professional lives. Too many of us are slogging away in the pits of the business world, working for "the man" and watching our hopes and dreams slowly wither and die. We spend too much time waiting for opportunity instead of going out there and taking it, ripping its spine from its body Predator-style and hanging it up as a trophy. Go straight for the jugular. Start a Kickstarter, sell cookies in front of the grocery store, do whatever it is you have to do to get your projects off the ground, no matter how insane they are, or you appear. (Suggested by @lukebunyip)
10. Phone Bank for Someone.
____ What, like a telethon? Yes, that's exactly what I'm talking about. Though it doesn't have to be a telethon, it can be any kind of charitable work. Donate clothes, donate your time to a shelter or soup kitchen, pick up strange hitchikers and... wait, never mind that one. The point is that we do spend a lot of time consumed with our own lives, and we shouldn't feel guilty about that - they are our lives to live. It couldn't hurt from time to time to give to those less fortunate, and it doesn't always have to be money. In fact, giving money (while needed) is the lazy way to be charitable. The best thing you can give is your time. Both physical time and possibly a cheap watch. A lot of less fortunate people could use watches. (Suggested by @bbqbobs)
11. Complete the #onegoal.
This one is mine, though many of you might have a similar one. I have one goal for 2012 (that I'm hashtagging #onegoal whenever I send out pandering tweets about it). I fully intend on completing that one goal, and you should too - whatever that goal is. We all set goals, and prioritize them and never follow through on them. Such is life. I'm counting on myself, on you and on some other folks (whether they know it or not) to complete my one goal this year. The most important thing to remember in all your endeavors is...
12. Be Happy.
____ Be happy. Find your zen in life and hold on to it. Appreciate your friends and family. Be thankful for whatever it is you have and practice good driving karma. If that means thanking whatever deity you subscribe to, so be it. If it makes you happy then go for it. Do what makes you feel good, which can include eating copious amounts of bacon, building a robot companion or just watching terrible reality TV. Be happy and enjoy 2012, cause soon it will be 2116 and we'll all be running. (Suggested by @unxpctdblessing)
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