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I think we can all agree that Christmas is a wonderful thing for many reasons: It stimulates the economy, it gives moviemakers and game designers an incentive to pull out their A-games, and it gives popular musicians a chance to enjoy a top-selling album without having to spend more than a couple hours in the studio.
But Christmas also has downsides, including family, warmth and, worst of all, tradition.
"Tradition" is just a nice-sounding way of saying, "Shut up, we've always done it that way." If the internet were based on tradition, we'd be forced to lick our laptops before sending e-mail.
(Explanation of joke for my younger readers: We used to have to lick stamps before we stuck them on our outgoing mail. Yes, that's as gross as it sounds. Also, we used to send mail.)
I come not to destroy Christmas, but to fulfill it. In the days since Tiny Tim contracted Adorable Disabled Waif Syndrome, we've seen technological advances that make a flying sleigh look as antique and pointless as a plain old regular sleigh. We've had social advances that make a sweatshop full of poorly compensated, toy-manufacturing little folks look like child labor.
It's time we let go of our atrophied, vestigial traditions and drag Christmas into the awesome now. Herewith, my suggestions for improvement.
The Name
Every damn year we have to hear about the "War on Christmas," which is a ridiculous concept anyway. If saying "happy holidays" is waging war on Christmas, then saying "North America" instead of "The United States and So Forth" is a war on our nation. But let's give the O'Reillys and the Coulters what they want. From now on, let's use "Christmas" to refer to any winter celebration. The specific holiday in which the religiously devout celebrate the birth of Yeshua Ben Yosef in Bethlehem a couple thousand years ago, we'll call "Jesusmas." I'm no doubt not the first person to come up with this fix, but I may be the first one to get paid for suggesting it.
The Tree
I'm not going to suggest we stop dragging dead plants into our homes for a month out of each year. Clearly, vacant lots need something to fill them between pumpkin sales and Easter egg hunts. But I think that if we can genetically engineer goats that exude spider silk, and grow glowing tobacco plants, we can breed a flame-resistant pine tree that naturally grows metallic balls, popcorn strands and a little angel on top. That should cut out a good four hours of dreaded "family time."
The Presents
Speaking of wasted time, why are we still shopping for presents? If it's the thought that counts, here's my thought: Shopping for other people sucks. Amazon Wish Lists are a boon, but let's take it one step further. I want to write up a list of my most beloved friends and family members, assign each of them a hard dollar value, and press a button. Some computer somewhere scans their wish lists, picks something appropriate, and composes some bull about holiday cheer and happy wishes to put on the card. Amazon wraps and delivers it, and another computer on the recipient's end writes a thank-you note and sends it to me in an e-mail. I don't care if the recipient has to press a button or not -- I just want to express my warm, thoughtful nature without doing any work.
The Kids
Children are the only ones who can really appreciate the joy and wonder of the Christmas season, and it's damn annoying. They always want to know how many days it is till Present-Getting Time, and they want to sit on some underpaid mall drone's lap, and they want to know what figgy pudding is. And at some point, every single one of them throws up from excitement.
Luckily, science has finally accepted the wisdom of medicating children whenever possible, and I believe we can develop a pill that makes children appreciate and anticipate the holiday quietly in a corner somewhere, humming "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" at a volume that can easily be drowned out by videogame gunfire. I'm even willing to compromise and take them off the drug on Dec. 23, so they can still get in a couple of throwing-up days.
The Cheer
Can we please stop insisting that a gray, freezing month full of social obligations and massive credit card bills is "the happiest time of the year?" We all know that unless we get some sort of free pass like personal tragedy or Judaism, we must celebrate Christmas. Making us enjoy it is just cruel. We need to get rid of slogans like "Merry Christmas" and "Joy to the world" and replace them with more reasonable statements like, "Christmas exists and the sooner you accept that the easier it will be," and "It gets better."
In my next column, I'll be suggesting one more major Christmas overhaul -- one that should make everyone feel hollier, jollier and less murdery.
Photo: DoNotLick/Flickr
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Born helpless, naked, and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg overcame these handicaps to become jolly, old and an elf.
