The Epic of @MayorEmanuel, Part Two: The Wandering Mustache

INTRODUCTION

This week, Epicenter runs its final excerpts from Dan Sinker's The F***ing Epic Twitter Quest of @MayorEmanuel, to be released September 13 by Scribner. (See "The Epic of @MayorEmanuel, Part One: The Adventure Begins.")

The book collects and annotates the activity of @MayorEmanuel, a Twitter account Sinker created spoofing Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel, then the White House Chief of Staff turned mayoral candidate. The permanent archive of @MayorEmanuel's tweets end shortly after both he and the real Rahm Emanuel won their parallel elections to become Mayor of Chicago.

Throughout the campaign, Sinker carefully guarded the secrecy of his authorship. His tweets as @MayorEmanuel started as punchlines and in-jokes among friends, broadened to include general satire of the City of Chicago and its politics, and eventually became something else entirely, a mind-bending, fully-realized alternate dimension of characters and events both mirroring those of our universe and wholly unique to their own. The book is filled with allusions to real people and other fictional stories, rich in humor, unexpected emotion and unrelenting, inventive profanity.

I was lucky to write some of the earliest notes on the last days of @MayorEmanuel. I have since met Dan and count him as a friend. I'm delighted to finally have this book, which includes both the original tweets and his copious notes, since even as a fully-devoted history-of-pop-culture fiend and one-time-Chicagoan, I never could have kept up with everything he put into it.

In these excerpts, @MayorEmanuel's campaign begins in earnest; we meet most of his opponents, other Chicagoland political figures, and a still-unnamed intern, all of whom will eventually loom large in the story; 33 real-life Chilean miners are miraculously rescued; and @MayorEmanuel's story similarly takes a turn for the miraculous and magical. This is where the political and cultural satire of the story takes its first genuine bites, but the story also becomes something else, unbound by the rules of our universe, circumscribed only by the limits of the imagination and @MayorEmanuel's yet-unknown destiny: to save both his own Chicago and the fabric of spacetime itself.

— Introduction by Tim Carmody

FUCKING FUND-RAISING

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Tick-tock, shit-cocks. Time to wake up. 07:28:54 AM

Dow over 11,000 on the same day I'm going on a listening tour of Penny Pritzker's pocketbook? Eyes on the sky for a twat-rainbow. Trifecta! 08:02:21 AM

Chicago billionaire Penny Pritzker is the most visible member of the Pritzker family, one of the richest families in America. It seems like almost everything in Chicago, from the bandshell in Millennium Park to a public school to a military museum, is named after the Pritzkers. Penny donates a lot of time and money to political candidates, including her own former service as the finance chair of Obama's presidential campaign (and she was at one point considered to be a top contender for commerce secretary). She also serves on a number of high-profile nonprofit boards in Chicago and, after Emanuel was elected mayor, was appointed to the Chicago Board of Education.

Penny keeps a money room in her house, and dives into it like she's Scrooge McDuck. We've been swimming in it all morning. Fucking glorious. 11:19:38 AM

Nothing like a money-swim to get a guy feeling in cock-shape again. Axelrod, pull your Civic around: I've got some fucking hands to shake. 12:11:04 PM

Just got cut off on West Madison by a fucking cupcake truck. Eighth one I've seen. The fuck is up with you and cupcakes you fucking fatties? 12:30:40 PM

OK, West Garfield Park, come get your hand shaken. I promise when elected you'll see me less than you see the inside of a unicorn's vagina. 01:10:34 PM

▼ ▼ ▼

Dinner with Obama at Alexi fundraiser. Fucking Alexi—getting caught chatting with him is like being sucked into a black hole of cocks. 04:05:56 PM

That's Alexi Giannoulias, Democratic candidate for Senate, who was running to fill Barack Obama's old seat, a seat the GOP desperately wanted to win. Giannoulias, the candidate Democrats chose to defend it, found himself embroiled in controversy surrounding his family's failed bank (it was shut down by the FDIC two weeks after Giannoulias won the Democratic primary). In a year in which the economy and federal bank bailout played heavily in the election, it wasn't a great situation to be in.

If Obama doesn't show soon, I'm out. Have been stuck inside the Giannoulias dong-vortex for a motherfucking hour now. 05:34:28 PM

Emanuel was actually not at the Giannoulias fund-raiser. In fact, according to ABC 7, "Emanuel was told to keep a low profile so as not to upstage the president and Alexi Giannoulias."

Alexi is "entertaining" the guests by seeing how many dinner rolls he can stuff in his fucking mouth. He's up to seventeen. 05:59:01 PM

▼ ▼ ▼

Jesus Christ-on-a-fuck, that's four hours of my life I'm never going to get back. Alexi is as dumb as the fucking day is fucking long. 07:42:27 PM

By the way, the final motherfucking bread-roll count? Thirtyfucking-two. In at once. Mama Regenstein vomited into the salad plate. 07:51:16 PM

The Regensteins, like the Pritzkers, are another hyper-wealthy Chicago family. They even have an ape house named after them. I have no idea who "Mama" Regenstein is.

Fucking cock-sanding shit-branding, I am tired. 10:22:57 PM

Continue reading "The Epic of @MayorEmanuel, Part Two: The Wandering Mustache... "

PUBLIC SERVANT

Friday, October 8, 2010

Good motherfucking morning, motherfuckers. 07:01:29 AM

Strategy session. Axelrod thinks "I want to be like motherfucking Rahm" is a bad campaign slogan. The fuck? It worked for Jordan. 08:49:21 AM

Bulls legend Michael Jordan was featured in a series of Gatorade commercials in the 1990s where kids proclaimed they wanted to "be like Mike."

Axelrod also dismissed Ari's idea of a movie where politicians team up with cartoon characters to fight an intergalactic menace. Fuck fuck. 09:09:02 AM

The 1996 film Space Jam featured Michael Jordan and the Looney Toons. IMDb spells out the plot succinctly: "Michael Jordan agrees to help the Looney Toons play a basketball game vs. alien slavers to determine their freedom." So there's that.

Axelrod says no way: "Remember when the Bulls won for the sixth time and it felt like getting fucked on a pile of ponies? Vote Rahm." 09:20:47 AM

▼ ▼ ▼

How did you know that listening to you bitch was exactly what I wanted to do on a beautiful fucking Friday? 03:47:30 PM

The listening tour continued.

Why is it the only fucking places I find you people are riding the L or stuffing your fucking face? Or, worse, both? 03:51:54 PM

I will tell you this though: stand on a fucking L platform long enough and you will see every shade of vomit known to man. Vibrant! 04:04:05 PM

▼ ▼ ▼

I just became the mayor of Fuck You in the Fucking Face, it's Friday on @foursquare. 04:13:40 PM

Axelrod's on his way over with a bucket of chicken, a growler of Half Acre and his copy of "2012." TGIMFF. 06:24:11 PM

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Plouffe just faxed over the itinerary. I've got to hit 13 farmer's markets. Here's a secret: edible greens scare the shit out of me. Fuck. 08:47:35 AM

▼ ▼ ▼

Jesus motherfucking Christ, I hope to never see another winter squash in my motherfucking life. Fuck you and your fucking farmer's markets. 05:20:29 PM

Also, Chicago, what the fuck is up with all the baby strollers? Did you spend the two goddamn years I was gone just fucking nonstop? 06:11:24 PM

Continue reading "The Epic of @MayorEmanuel, Part Two: The Wandering Mustache... "

LONG-DISTANCE RUNNER

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Christ, I'm going to have to shake a lot of fucking sweaty hands today, aren't I? First sign of bloody nipples and I'm fucking GONE. 08:47:30 AM

The first Chicago Marathon was run on Saturday, September 23, 1905, less than a decade after the first Olympic marathon. Some 38,132 runners ran in the 2010 race.

I know I'm supposed to say you're all heroic athletes, but I just saw a guy in a chicken suit puke up a Clif Bar at mile fucking three. 09:15:19 AM

▼ ▼ ▼

Congratulations, marathon runners! You're 26.2 miles closer to a motherfucking knee replacement! 05:19:23 PM

Axelrod's mustache finished the cock-shocking marathon in 5:38. 07:18:18 PM

▼ ▼ ▼

Just looked over Plouffe's itinerary for the week. It is fucktacularly stupid. How long does this goddamn listening tour have to last again? 09:23:28 PM

Continue reading "The Epic of @MayorEmanuel, Part Two: The Wandering Mustache... "

TALK TO THE DISEMBODIED HAND

Monday, October 11, 2010

So which godforsaken corner of this motherfucking city am I headed to today in this never-ending dick-slamming tour? 08:14:35 AM

I refuse to choke down another fucking pepper and egg sandwich. Seriously, how has this entire city not died from a coronary? 09:26:29 AM

The pepper-and-egg is a uniquely Chicagoan breakfast: it's scrambled eggs and green peppers stuffed inside a toasted French bread roll. Mozzarella cheese is optional. Local history assigns the invention of the pepper-and-egg sandwich to the influx of Catholic immigrants from Italy looking for a meal to replace meat on Fridays during Lent. Like many Chicago culinary delights, it is incredibly delicious. And it will kill you dead one day.

Dick Mell is the king of the pepper and egg. Eats three or four of them every morning. Ends up smelling like a sulfur bath all day. 09:33:14 AM

▼ ▼ ▼

Seriously considering having my shaking hand amputated and sending it around the city alone so I can get some actual fucking work done. 05:38:33 PM

Hey, Sauganash, come shake the disembodied hand of Rahm Emanuel tomorrow, while I'm busy not giving a fuck about you somewhere else. 05:43:42 PM

Sauganash is a neighborhood on the far northwest side of the city.

Fucking seriously, doesn't Flores have any "listening" to do? Come on: Carol Moseley Braun doesn't have to "listen" to any motherfuckers? 06:02:54 PM

That would be one-term Senator Carol Moseley Braun, the first (and only) African-American woman elected to the US Senate. Elected to the Senate in 1992, she served as ambassador to New Zealand after she lost reelection, and briefly ran for the Democratic nomination for president in 2004. Since then, she's maintained a low profile, running a small coffee and tea import business in Chicago called Ambassador Organics. Her entrance into the mayoral race, which happened before Emanuel's, took many by surprise, as she'd effectively been out of local politics since her Senate win.

Yet here I am fucking "listening" to all you fucking v-holes prattle on and on about fucking potholes and parking meters every fucking day. 06:05:04 PM

New slogan: "Hey Chicago: Just park in the fucking space and be done with it. Emanuel '11." 06:09:17 PM

Mayor Daley leased the rights to the parking meters in a spectacularly awful 75-year deal worth $1.16 billion. While the sketchy specifics of the actual deal were reported widely after the fact, what most people were up in arms about was the fact that it replaced meters with pay boxes, and you'd have to walk an entire half-block to pay. People were really pissed about that.

Scowling through the Columbus Day Parade, Ed Burke said I had a case of the Mondays. More like the Can't-Fucking-Stand-You Days. 08:59:28 PM

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Someone fucking needs to fucking bring me a fucking coffee this very fucking second. 08:12:56 AM

▼ ▼ ▼

Jesus fucking cock-twats: Biden is in town? Fucking Christ, I'll be hiding out in a goddamn undisclosed location for the rest of the day. 12:59:35 PM

Vice President Joe Biden came to Chicago to stump for Illinois Governor Pat Quinn, who took over as governor when Rod Blagojevich was arrested for attempting to sell Barack Obama's former Senate seat. Quinn was running for his first elected term as governor.

▼ ▼ ▼

Would someone fucking pledge to WBEZ already so those sad fucking radio-tards will shut the fuck up? 05:10:32 PM

WBEZ is the major public radio station in Chicago.

Continue reading "The Epic of @MayorEmanuel, Part Two: The Wandering Mustache... "

THE "STUCK IN A MINE" STRATEGY

Fuck yes, you Chilean miner sons-of-bitches, fuck yes. 11:00:01 PM

News had just broken that 33 Chilean miners, stuck in a collapsed gold and copper mine for 69 days, were about to be rescued.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

New slogan: "Because Chicago is in a deeper fucking hole than the fucking Chilean miners. Vote Rahm." 08:49:19 AM

I've got Axelrod looking into where to get one of those miner rescue elevators so I can ride one around Ed Burke's lower fucking intestine. 08:55:23 AM

If you need me today, I'll be at home watching CNN and bawling like a motherfucking baby. 09:35:22 AM

▼ ▼ ▼

Been on BBM with Plouffe, selling him on my "stuck in a mine" strategy. (1) don't have to shake fucking hands; (2) in 90 days you'll love me. 05:01:22 PM

Axelrod just came over and we're both wearing hard hats and only eating food we can cram through a motherfucking 6" hole. This is the life. 05:41:28 PM

You would be amazed just how many different kinds of food you can stuff through a 6" hole. Axelrod got an entire fucking turkey through. 07:58:27 PM

I find the Chilean miner rescue incredibly moving. Once this last guy is up, we're going to send 'em all back down, right? Fuck yes. 08:00:54 PM

▼ ▼ ▼

So everyone's up from the mine? Jesus fucking Christ-twat . . . now what? 10:25:59 PM

Every miner was brought up, one at a time, from the mine in a 21"-diameter capsule, a ride that took 15 minutes.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I woke up with a hard hat in my hands, looked up at the hole Axelrod and I drilled in the ceiling, and just started fucking weeping. Emptiness. 07:34:50 AM

I know it's not reasonable but, deep fucking down, I bet you too wish they'd continue to pull Chileans up from the ground forever. 07:36:51 AM

What has brought this city closer together than feeling motherfucking one with 33 people stuck in the ground of another continent? Nothing. 07:41:46 AM

New slogan: "Bring back that first miner feeling. Emanuel for motherfucking mayor." 07:45:33 AM

Continue reading "The Epic of @MayorEmanuel, Part Two: The Wandering Mustache... "

A FIELD OF DONG-TARDS AND SHIT-EATERS

I actually wanted Madigan to run. Have you seen the rest of the shit-tards that have announced? Give me someone fucking competent. 12:42:33 PM

Lisa Madigan, the attorney general for Illinois and daughter of the power broker of the statehouse, Speaker of the House Mike Madigan, was another name high on the list of possible mayoral contenders. While there was a great deal of media attention and public support for the idea of her entering the race, she officially announced on Chicago Public Radio that she was out.

Is it too late to get in on the fucking attorney general race? Come on, Madigan, let's do this! Don't leave me with Hendon and Flores. 03:33:50 PM

Flores had actually dropped out of the race four days before, a fact that I'd completely missed.

Unless motherfucking Oprah motherfucking Winfrey enters this race, it's going to be me against a field of dong-tards and shiteaters. 03:38:09 PM

Seriously, a debate with these shit-galoids will end with me crushing my cock with the podium, just to feel SOMETHING. 03:43:31 PM

New slogan: "Vote Rahm: Because Jesus cock-Christ, look at the other fucking guys." 03:58:10 PM

If I'd have known the field was going to end up this fucking limp-dicked, I'd have stayed in Washington through the fucking midterms. 04:10:46 PM

Continue reading "The Epic of @MayorEmanuel, Part Two: The Wandering Mustache... "

ENTER THE INTERN

Friday, October 15, 2010

Right about now I'm getting that sinking fucking feeling that I was served motherfucking decaf. 08:40:10 AM

▼ ▼ ▼

Fucking Friday night fucking starts fucking right fucking now. 04:02:17 PM

So the e-mail started "Dear First Name." That was Plouffe's quick fix to the original: "Dear Motherfucking Twat-tards." 05:20:48 PM

The early days of the real Emanuel campaign were not the smoothest. Their first e-mail blast, sent Friday afternoon, was addressed to "Dear First Name."

Dear First Name, Fuck you in your fucking pie-hole, you stupid motherfucking snatch-drip. Yours, Rahm. 05:27:52 PM

Dear First Name, Who's got one and a half middle fingers, six beers, and doesn't give a fuck if I got your name right? This guy. 05:34:08 PM

I have no idea if the real Rahm Emanuel is a heavy drinker, but @MayorEmanuel sure was.

Dear First Name, Plouffe assures me that we're going to have an actual fucking communications team in place soon. The intern is a cocktard. 05:40:25 PM

"The intern is a cocktard" was the first mention of a soon-to-be central character in this story, invented entirely thanks to the Dear First Name e-mail.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Holy shit-cocks, I should have stopped at nine beers last night. My fucking head is going to fucking explode at this breakfast meeting. 08:39:00 AM

Of course Axelrod waltzes into the meeting like he drank nothing last night. That motherfucker's liver is made of motherfucking Teflon. 11:03:50 AM

▼ ▼ ▼

Fucking shine on, you motherfucking amazing fucking sun. 01:05:09 PM

Continue reading "The Epic of @MayorEmanuel, Part Two: The Wandering Mustache... "

SHITWORK

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Fuck your motherfucking Sunday morning, I'm sleeping until goddamn noon. 08:59:21 AM

▼ ▼ ▼

Fucking motherfucking fuck-shitting ass-cocked Bears. 02:47:05 PM

The Bears lost to the Seattle Seahawks, 23–20.

▼ ▼ ▼

I really did try to listen to that fucking debate. But as soon as Quinn opens his mouth, I feel like a little part of me cock-plucking dies. 10:31:29

The aforementioned Pat Quinn was running for his first elected term as governor.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Shit-shaking dong-stompers. 08:27:47 AM

Really, what's a few motherfucking million raised? Don't fucking worry, Dart, I'm sure someone will give you some cash at some point. 03:47:09 PM

Rumors were beginning to circulate in the press that Emanuel had already raised millions—even before officially declaring that he was a candidate for mayor. His fund-raising prowess significantly complicated the life of anyone attempting to run against him.

▼ ▼ ▼

Today was one never-ending fucking strategy session. Workloads doubled when Axelrod's mustache announced it was taking the week off. 08:46:48 PM

Seriously, if that motherfucking 'stache is talking to fucking Meeks, I'm going to lose it. 08:48:20 PM

That'd be James Meeks, a mayoral candidate, Illinois state senator and pastor of the 24,000-member Salem Baptist Church in Chicago's Pullman neighborhood on the far South Side. To the best of my knowledge, he never had a meeting with David Axelrod's mustache.

Axelrod says it's just taking a few days to see the fall colors in WI, but really: what fucking mustache takes off two weeks before midterms? 08:50:53 PM

Anyway, a week without that mustache just went from a slog to a motherfucking full-fledged shit-wallow. 08:54:38 PM

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I'm going to close my eyes and imagine a coffeepot as big as the motherfucking Sears motherfucking Tower. 08:00:16 AM

Chicago's Sears Tower, the tallest building in America (and at one point, the world), was renamed the Willis Tower in 2009 when a London-based insurance broker took over three of the building's 110 floors. Everyone still calls it the Sears Tower, except apparently a handful of assholes on Twitter, who have to point out that it's actually called the Willis Tower now. It's fun to fuck with them.

▼ ▼ ▼

You want to know my definition of hell? This motherfucking lunch meeting that the fucking communications intern set up with Billy Dec. Fuck. 12:04:33 PM

For all the aldermen, cabinet secretaries, and other little-known names that are dropped in this story, the littlest known has to be Billy Dec. A club owner in Chicago, he briefly entered Chicago political consciousness in the lead-up to Chicago's failed bid for the 2016 Olympics, when he posted YouTube videos of himself with various celebrities, asking them how they felt about the Olympics coming to Chicago.

Jesus fucking Christ, apparently it's take-a-lunch-meeting-with-a-raging-douchebag day. 12:09:22 PM

Fuck me. He's wearing his "dressy" baseball hat. Asked Axelrod to circle the block one more time. Considering jumping into traffic. 12:17:06 PM

That was a half hour I'll never fucking get back. On the upside, the Rumble in the Jungle Turkey Wrap at the Rainforest Cafe—tasty! 12:43:10 PM

Next time I even hear the motherfucking name Billy Dec, I'm slamming my cock in the door of Axelrod's Civic. 02:41:31 PM

▼ ▼ ▼

Watching Alexi and Kirk debate is like fucking a sackful of dumb. 07:36:52 PM

Alexi Giannoulias's opponent was Republican Mark Kirk.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Going around the public schools with Huberman today. That guy smells like motherfucking sadness. 08:04:29 AM

While Emanuel did tour public schools that week, he didn't do it with Ron Huberman. Huberman was the CEO of the Chicago Public Schools, having taken over the position after Arne Duncan moved to Washington, DC. He would resign his position on November 29, 2010.

Axelrod tells me it's not a word but Jesus fucking Christ it's going to take a bazillion fucking dollars to save these fucking schools. 02:36:15 PM

In fact, the Chicago Public Schools face a deficit of around $750 million.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I've asked Axelrod to come over and just pour the coffee straight into my mouth while I'm still lying here. "I'll be right over!" 07:12:10 AM

Christ, I'm so fucking tired I forgot to swear in that last Tweet: fucking motherfucking shit cock ass fuck twat. Feeling better already. 07:33:11 AM

So Ari is throwing me a fund-raiser soon, except he keeps calling it a "fuck-raiser." I don't even know what that fucking means. He scares me. 07:40:46 AM

Ari is, of course, Ari Emanuel, Rahm's younger brother and a major power player in the entertainment industry. He's the inspiration for the Ari Gold character in the TV show Entourage. If you've seen the show, that means you now know more about Ari Emanuel than I do. The press reported that Ari would throw a fund-raiser for Emanuel in LA on November 4.

But, I'd rather be on a flight to LA than have to tour another pathetic fucking school. Today's might as well be the Oliver Twist Academy. 07:54:14 AM

Sufficiently coffeed. Alright, Chicago, I'm going to fuck you in the fucking face today. 08:28:08 AM

Continue reading "The Epic of @MayorEmanuel, Part Two: The Wandering Mustache... "

DART RULES!

If Dart's rent-a-cops pull over Axelrod's Civic one more time, I'm going to stuff my fist so far up his ass my stump will tickle his uvula. 03:36:22 PM

Axelrod just called me from the impound. Dart's goons hauled his fucking Civic in. Oh, it's motherfucking on now, you fucking motherfuck. 05:50:53 PM

Sheriff Woody from "Toy Story" is more of a real lawman than that cocktard Dart. "There's a motherfucking snake in my boot." 06:05:43 PM

Friday, October 22, 2010

Axelrod just pulled up in his Civic, gave a beep and I went out. The thing has DART RULES spraypainted across the motherfucking hood. 07:24:15 AM

▼ ▼ ▼

I'm going to have to drink ten thousand motherfucking beers to make this day motherfucking better. 04:06:23 PM

Chicago, it's really fucking easy: Put down the fucking mouse, walk out the fucking door, it's fucking Friday. 04:34:00 PM

Axelrod just showed up with a fucking case of toilet paper. We're going to TP the living shit out of Dart's house! 06:50:41 PM

Saturday, October 23, 2010

If you think I'm getting out of fucking bed on a rainy Saturday, you're out of your motherfucking cock-holed mind. 12:09:17 PM

The fuck is Plouffe sending me to store openings for? What's next, being a motherfucking greeter at the Pullman Walmart? 01:43:44 PM

Emanuel made an appearance at the blocks-long lineup for the grand opening of the Apple Store in Chicago's wealthy Lincoln Park neighborhood. The Walmart in Pullman (the first to open in Chicago) will open in 2013—I would expect that Emanuel will in fact be there.

And seriously, there is an entirely different class of douchebag that shows up at an Apple Store opening in Lincoln fucking Park. 01:47:55 PM

Who wants a MacBook Air with a side of asshole? Order fucking up. 01:55:14 PM

▼ ▼ ▼

Fucking Christ, morning at the Apple Store, afternoon at Whole Foods. Suck it out of my asshole, Lincoln Park! 07:16:54 PM

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Hey, Chicago, get your hands off your fucking cock and get the fuck outside. It's motherfucking incredible out here. 01:00:28 PM

▼ ▼ ▼

I swear to fucking god, Honeycrisp apples are motherfucking twatlicious! 03:17:38 PM

Cameos too—you put that shit into your fucking face-hole and you think, "Motherfucker, I am eating a fucking apple." 03:31:33 PM

Monday, October 25, 2010

Fuck your fucking Monday morning right in its fucking puckered fucking pink fucking asshole. 07:26:36 AM

Axelrod's mustache was back today after its week off. Good to have that bushy motherfucker back. 06:37:49 PM