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There is no denying that it is very difficult these days to be on the cutting edge of technology. Even the early adopters and beta testers have a hard time keeping up with the curve, usually letting new tech pile up while they are testing the so-called current tech, which is now outdated. This is all especially poignant when it comes to current cell phone technology, or as I like to call them, "devices." At some point in the last decade, the phone feature took a clear back seat to the other features. I suppose it was because we have pretty much mastered that part of it.
While there are the early adopters (most geeks) there are some folks that just aren't early adopters. I'm not talking about the non-tech savvy people, like your parents or grandparents, but rather just those who might be a little more stubborn than most when making a purchasing decision.
Cell phones are no longer just cheap phones (though there are some still on the market.) They are several hundred dollar computers. Not only can a buying decision be difficult, but it can be daunting as well. Regardless, sometimes you have to geek up and go out and get that new cell phone because let's face it, it's time for an upgrade. How do you know you need an upgrade? Besides your clear lack of self worth in not having the latest and greatest of course. Aside from that, here are ten helpful hints when considering if your cell phone is due for an upgrade.
You did upgrade recently, to a new carrying bag. You've recently replaced your Motorola 2900 Bag Phone carry case with a nifty and stylish satchel. However, you are still carrying a phone - in a bag. It's hard to believe now that people actually did this, especially since the bag phone debuted way back in 1992.
The only apps your phone has are "on" and "off." Really, even my Blackberry has a couple apps, but with the Android, Palm Pre phones and the iPhone 4 on the market, if your phone isn't loaded with useless / useful apps then you are way behind the tech curve. We all know that the Motorola Startac phone was pretty awesome, but when you are unable to find the closest restaurant that serves regional Indian cuisine on plates not made in China, sans MSG and with clean bathrooms - then what? Disaster. That's what.
You are doing your best Gordon Gekko impression. Circa 1987, you are routinely seen walking around outside the office (outside being the only place you can get a signal), sporting slicked back hair and holding a wireless phone the size of a two-liter Mountain Dew next to your head.
Elmo won't redirect your calls. You are seriously reconsidering hiring a Sesame Street puppet as your secretary. Every time you pick up the phone, Elmo just repeats the same three phrases over and over. If it wasn't for his superior filing work and mean cappuccino skills, you'd fire his ass.
You keep saying you'll get a new phone when you beat E.T. Clearly you missed the part about that game being (nearly) completely impossible, not to mention incomprehensible. One can only hope that your spouse will have the good sense to dial 911 on your rotary phone when you undoubtedly toss the Atari 2600 out the window before yourself.
You stop often at the library to check email and Facebook. Speaking about apps, the most popular ones are those related to social media. If your Foursquare account indicates more than 3 check-ins a day at the public library, coinciding with your email replies and Facebook updates, then you are just lacking in efficiency. The library computers are where homeless people update their blogs and weirdos do weird things that probably violate their parole. You really want to be grouped in with that bunch?
Your cell phone has started more fires than the Boy Scouts. That was a camping joke. It's not unheard of that a lithium-ion battery shorts out and overheats, sometimes exploding. If you don't mind the occasional shrapnel in your ear and hand, burning holes in the coffee table, setting the dog on fire and melting a hole in your pocket, then by all means - keep the exploding phone. You might want to take a look at that warranty though.
Your cell phone is a combination of a pager and a pay phone. Hey, it's understandable, some people still operate this way. We call them "dealers." Plus, it's pretty hard to find a pay phone bank these days. Most of them have been replaced by graffiti plastered park benches or billboards of mustached real estate agents. This combination in this day and age is akin to Aquaman wandering through the desert begging for a warm can of Tab.
Thieves break into your car and steal everything but your phone. This is a clear signal that it's time for a new phone. If your phone isn't good enough for common criminals, then it shouldn't be good enough for you. Criminals know what sells at the pawn shop and what doesn't. If they figure they couldn't even trade your phone for a stabbing knife at the flea market, then it's just not up to par.
Your phone spends more time as a power source than as a calling source. Maybe your set-up looks like this; you have your cell phone hooked up to your Arduino board, which is interfaced with your rotary phone, which is in turn hooked up to your computer so you can make Skype calls using the rotary dial. Sounds like fun, but there is an app for that.* *
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[This post originally ran in June, 2010.]
