If you thought 16 year old American girls were the only ones who threw sickeningly self-indulgent birthday parties, think again. North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il will turn 69 soon. His days-long birthday celebration will put your spoiled brats' bashes to shame, America.
The Dear Leader doesn't turn 69 (or 70, if you're counting from Russian records) officially until February 16th. However, North Korea have been pre-gaming it in advance of the special day – or the "Kimjongilia Festival," as it's known in the country.
Already, parties have been thrown by the Cambodian embassy in Pyongyang, the North Korean Agricultural Workers Union and the have thrown early parties. And Foreign diplomats even got to take in a special birthday showing of the celebrated North Korean blockbuster movie "Wheel of Happiness." Jealous yet?
Going forward, Pyongyang has a photo exhibition running to honor of the occasion, featuring pictures that depict the "energetic external activities" of the birthday boy. And starting on the 15th, figure skaters from all around North Korea will gather to wish Kim many happy returns at the 20th Paektusan Prize International Figure-skating Festival.
But the real magic takes place on the 16th. That's when Kim can take a rest from the hard work of inspecting duck farms and bringing the world to the brink of nuclear conflict to take in some of the more elaborate festivities held in his name. North Korean state media makes the electrifying promise that the day will be filled with "colorful events" including "synchronized swimming" and athletic feats performed by "excellent sportspersons."
The party planners, the Kimilsungia-Kimjongilia Festival Organizing Committee, have announced the layout for the venue. There'll be pictures of Kim with the Mt. Paektu in the background, baskets of Kimjongilia flowers – the perfect setting for when he makes his big entrance.
But don't expect to see Austrian or Italian diplomats at any of the parties. Last year, Kim's pals bought some Azimut Benetti yachts and grand pianos for his birthday from this Austrian guy they know. And Italy and Austria totally ruined the surprise by arresting him for violating U.N. sanctions. It's that kind of rudeness that gets you kicked off the invite list, guys.
There is one slight hitch, though. The parties ain't quite what they used to be. In years past, the usual party swag handed out for Dear Leader's big day – booze, groceries and smokes for the plebs, luxury cars for the party elite – was pretty sweet. But sanctions and a tanking economy might threaten the budget for this year's festivities. A carton of smokes and an Escalade might also be a little less special for some now that corruption and the black market have made them available to a lucky few able to purchase them.
The party favors may have hit a snag, but Kim's haul is still way better than anything anyone gave your kids. Did your daughter get any gifts from "secretary of the Political Council of the Maritime Territorial Branch of the 'United Russia' Party"? I didn't think so. How about a floral basket from the president of Laos? Kim already got one.
And yes, if you're interested in purchasing something, flowers are a very Juche gift and helpfully not prohibited by U.N. sanctions.
See Also:
- Kim Jong-il Campaigns for 'Arms Control Person of the Year ...
- Kim Jong-Il Communication: 'Dear Leader' Returns to Twitter ...
- Kim Jong-il: Tears of Joy, or Missile Marketing Ploy?
- Meet North Korea's New Top Cop
- Could Stuxnet Mess With North Korea's New Uranium Plant?
- North Korea Preps Hovercraft Assault Force
- North Korea's Newest Weapon: Nuke Torpedo?
