Good readers, I need your help. In a thankless decades-long quest, I've been testing a startling hypothesis. Now I am ready to unfurl it to the world and ask for scientific validation.
Here it is in its simplest form:
__The Miller-Gilborn Menu Typo Hypothesis (MGMTH):
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Every restaurant menu has at least one typo.
I know, I know. It’s dreadful, it’s assaultive, it’s revolutionary. But I assure you, I have sacrificed many an evening dining out in the name of science, and I have found exactly zero typo-free menus.
Stop sobbing. We all must face the truth courageously.
At first I thought menu typos were just an occasional part of, say, restaurants run by English-language learners. “Hell,” I thought, “if I opened a restaurant in Ethiopia, my Amharic menu would be a disaster.” I was unconcerned. Ah, to be so young and breezy again.
A friend first brought the issue into focus for me, many years ago. Over a typo-laden menu one evening, she – the esteemed “Gilborn” of the MGMTH – proposed a Menu Syntax Consulting Business. We would proofread menus and be paid in food and wine. Was there a big enough market for this business? Were there enough menu typos out there? As you can guess, she is the intellectual giant in this enterprise; I only stand on her shoulders.
After that, I began seeing menu typos at all kinds of restaurants: fancy ones, dives, franchises, clam shacks. A terrible national scourge unfolded before my uneasy eyes. Now when some unsuspecting server hands me a menu, alarm rises in my throat. “Where is it, where is it?” I think urgently, relaxing my grip only when the typo is found. I certainly can’t order food until then. Yes, I still cling to my basic dignity.
I have seen a handful of menus that come very close to disproving the MGMTH. Perhaps they have but one small typo, buried deep in the foodborne illness statement, a reliable breeding ground for typo-bacteria. These menus are usually at standalone bistro-type restaurants, perhaps opened by a recent culinary school grad with tattoos. The prices come in round dollar figures, and arugula is usually involved. Keep your eye out.
Oh, and there’s an important addition to the MGMTH:
__MGMTH Corollary 1
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The more items there are on the menu, the more typos there are.
I haven't tested this as rigorously as the central hypothesis, but the evidence thus far is compelling. After all, more items mean more text, which means more typo-portunity. But I also suspect that menus with more items have a higher rate of typos. Ah, but perhaps I overstretch.
I do have a draft of a groundbreaking paper announcing the MGMTH (tested with a Bayesian statistical approach, of course.) Editors of scientific journals beg me to publish it, but I say, “No! Scientific passion can’t be tamed! I must give GeekMom readers the opportunity to contribute data!”
So, I hope you’ll join me. It is solemn and strenuous work, but critical to our nation. And remember: online menus don't count. The research protocol requires that you visit the restaurant and examine the printed menu in person. If you do find the holy grail – a 100% typo-free menu – please report it to me at once. And thank you, good people of the world, for your sacrifice.
(For those not moved to join me, perhaps you'd like to contribute to my brother Jon's ongoing Carrot Cake Quality Initiative. It involves a lot of selfless carrot cake eating. We soldier on for science.)
