"The golden, starry wonders of the dark universe unfurled before the brave interstellar vessel Argus like a black flag of victory with a whole bunch of holes in it as the mysterious mission buoyantly commenced that would one day resolve critical questions about space, time and the appropriate ratio of nuts to chips in a perfect chocolate chip cookie."
That effort by Robert Friedman of Skillman, New Jersey, is the opening sentence of the year's worst would-be science fiction novel, according to the judges of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.
Every year since 1982, the English Department of San Jose State University has sponsored the contest, a literary battle royal that challenges aspiring hacks to compose the opening sentence of the worst novels imaginable.
Edward Bulwer-Lytton, the contest's namesake, was a noted author and politician who coined famous phrases such as "the great unwashed," "pursuit of the almighty dollar" and "the pen is mightier than the sword." But he also opened his novel* Paul Clifford* with the infamous clunker, "It was a dark and stormy night."
Stuart Greenman of Seattle penned the competition's worst fantasy entry:
"A quest is not to be undertaken lightly -- or at all! -- pondered Hlothgar, Thrag of the Western Boglands, son of Glothar, nephew of Garthol, known far and wide as Skull Dunker, as he wielded his chesty stallion Hralgoth through the ever-darkening Thlargwood, beyond which, if he survived its horrors and if Hroglath the royal spittle reader spoke true, his destiny awaited -- all this though his years numbered but 14."
In addition to sci-fi and fantasy, Bulwer-Lytton awards successful bottom feeders in genres including westerns, detective stories, romance, puns and purple prose.
For more information on next year's bad writing fest, check out the contest rules.
Image courtesy Bulwer-Lytton.com
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