Good morning, everyone. Please take some more of the doughnuts — I think we ordered too many.
As you know, we've got several new games in development that will use our upcoming Tony Hawk: Ride skateboard-shaped game controller. We're really excited about some of these: We've got some mock-ups here and we want to bring everybody up to speed.
The humble two-by-four, in addition to being a handy precut piece of lumber, also has a long history as an effective, if crude, weapon in videogames as varied as Splatterhouse, Condemned 2 and The Godfather. But no game has truly captured the singular feeling of smacking someone in the face with a piece of your house. Until now.
Pros: Gamers have been asking for "force feedback" with their motion controllers for years; what better feedback than the side of your little brother's head?
Cons: At $250, the package is the most expensive Activision game yet, which is saying something. It will include two Ride controllers, two silicone jackets for the controllers (note: Wii version only) and injury waivers with postage-paid envelopes, to be mailed immediately to Activision Blizzard's legal department upon opening of package.
Gentlemen, Activision is lagging behind in the lucrative prepare-young-girls-for-lifetime-of-thankless-drudgery genre. With other publishers having cornered the market on cooking and taking care of screaming infants, we need to explore other household chores.
Pros: Ironing Mama isn't just a simulation of ironing, it's the real thing. The included, officially licensed 3:4-scale replica, Kenmore-branded iron controller heats up on its own, just like the Xbox 360. Actual Mama can take a break while Ironing Mama does the button-down shirts.
Cons: Rummaging through the back of Dad's closet to find more shirts to iron, Sis may end up playing a brand new game called Hey I Found Some Balloons That Taste Like Strawberry.
The Prince of Persia series is exactly the sort of franchise that Activision could exploit yearly, especially with the upcoming Jake Gyllenhaal motion picture. We attempted to sue Ubisoft for the rights to the game, but the suit was dismissed when the judge noticed that we never technically owned it. Next best thing: We picked up the rights to Jordan Mechner's classic computer game Karateka.
Pros: Does for learning karate what Guitar Hero World Tour did for learning the drums. You can use any sawhorses or concrete blocks that you happen to have lying around at home, or buy the officially licensed Nyko ChopHorses™.
Cons: Will have to run extensive focus tests to determine which breaks first, the board or a child's hand.
As we're all well aware, the best way to revitalize a tired genre is to add the timeless appeal of illegality. If you think skateboarding is fun, try doing it while holding on to a car's bumper without the express written permission of the driver! Unfortunately, Electronic Arts already made a game called Skitchin', so we had to go with the slightly less-well-known street lingo, Bumpershinin'. Includes the required car-bumper controller ($175).
Pros: Real chrome bumper folds for easy storage under any king-size bed, but must be cleaned and waxed periodically to prevent rust.
Cons: Plans to have the controller belch black exhaust smoke into players' faces for added realism had to be scrapped when the fumes melted the mandatory silicone jacket on the Wii version.
Besides filling the company's federally mandated quota of having at least one game title a year with a completely meaningless acronym, B.O.A.R.D.: Emergency Response allows players to really simulate the actual experience of being an emergency medical technician in a post-apocalyptic city. Levels include Accidental Poisoning, Whiplash and Bumpershinin' Mishap.
Pros: Uses the accelerometers in the controller for pinpoint accuracy. If the two players lifting their friend off the floor lose their grip, the on-screen character's spinal cord injuries are aggravated, not to mention any real-life ones.
Cons: Initial focus group tests show that consumers tend not to associate medical emergencies with "fun." May be able to kill two birds with one stone here by including free redemption codes for beta trial on bottle caps of Drāno.
Illustrations: Tracey John
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