* Illustration: Christoph Niemann * On my blog, I reprint letters from newspaper advice columns with my own comical answers. Am I risking a legal smackdown from Dear Abby?
You bet. The advice queen's reps can reasonably contend that your blog violates copyright. Contrary to popular belief, copping content for satire doesn't automatically qualify as fair use—and you're probably over the line here.
But you raise a philosophical question much more interesting than "fair use": What is the point of advice columns? They come in two distinct flavors. Some, like the one you're (hopefully) enjoying at this very moment, employ brief questions that reveal little. The columnist uses that relative anonymity as a springboard, expounding on variables left unmentioned in the initial query. You've chosen to mock the other kind of column, a breed that relies heavily on personal letters. The columnist's advice isn't necessarily the draw; readers get a voyeuristic thrill from the broken marriages, sexual perversions, and drunken relatives who ruin Thanksgiving. To be honest, Mr. Know-It-All doesn't get the appeal—but he knows that swiping such letters is tantamount to swiping the columns' heart.
Abby appears in 1,400 newspapers daily; she can afford a fight. Now, you could turn your satiric gaze toward yours truly, who's both man enough to handle the ribbing and poorly compensated enough to be unprepared for a protracted legal battle. But keep in mind that corporate overlord Condè Nast has lawyers, too.
My company seems to be hiring lots of foreigners on H-1B visas, while recent US college grads like my daughter go jobless. How do I complain about this without seeming racist?
In the dispiriting thick of Depression 2.0, it's natural to feel anxious about your daughter's prospects. But before you broach this sensitive topic with your bosses, take a deep breath. Applications for H-1B visas are actually down this year, what with the US job market shriveling. Maybe you're just noticing the foreign workers now that you have genes in the job hunt?
If the increase is genuine, it may be that these workers possess specialized knowledge. Your daughter is doubtless an amazing young woman, but perhaps her C++ skills don't match those of a foreign PhD with two decades of experience. Also bear in mind that H-1Bers, if hired by the book, aren't cheap. Visa holders must be paid at least the "prevailing wage" for their occupation, as determined by the US government, and immigration paperwork can run up to $8,500 per visa. So the company doesn't have a financial incentive to load up on H-1Bs. It would be cheaper to hire your kid.
It's possible that your company is flouting the strict H-1B rules. If this is the case, you have every right to complain. Meanwhile, congrats on working for a company that's actually hiring.
Due to my foolish overreliance on equities, the 529 account I've been keeping for my teenage son has lost more than half its value. How do I tell the boy?
Take a cue from politics and lead with a message of hope. Assure Junior that you're still committed to helping him attend his first-choice college. "There is plenty of money available," says Reecy Aresty, author of* How to Pay for College Without Going Broke*. "You just need to work at developing a better understanding of the financial aid game."
You should also make it clear that you take full responsibility and are willing to make sacrifices. If that means putting in overtime, getting loans, or selling your beloved Harley, so be it. The tricky part will come when you inform Junior that he may be expected to pitch in, too—say, by working a campus job or forgoing luxuries (bye-bye, spring break in Florida). If he grumbles, you can always remind him that Taco Bell needs cooks. But above all, be honest. Another lesson from politics: The cover-up is always worse than the crime.
*Need help navigating life in the 21st century? Email us at *mrknowitall@wired.com.
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