We all know there is the Hallmark holiday picture-perfect Father's Day: family gathered around dad in the living room, still in his robe smoking a fresh pipe. Everyone is smiling and happy as he opens his creative and useful gifts ("What a beautiful tie!") - we all know it doesn't always go like that. Often, it goes a little more like this:
6:22am Wake up to the sounds of children screaming and a dog barking to go out. Smother head with pillow and go back to dreaming about building a fully functional Pirate ship.
6:55am Get out of bed and skip the shower, heading to the garage to drink several cans of Mountain Dew while looking for materials to make the arms of your new robot, finally settling on the arms of the unused elliptical machine.
7:15am The wife and the children have made you breakfast in bed, except you're in the garage testing out your robot arms on the side of the washing machine.
7:18am Breakfast is left on the floor ten feet back from where you've severed the garage door opener chain by swinging around the robot arms. The children stay on the off-chance they'll get to see you injure yourself.
7:54am You head inside after fixing the garage door opener chain.
8:30am Consume a bowl of Lucky Charms (the dog ate the food left on the floow) while surfing the net looking for cheap model paint. The kids give you handmade cards and the wife hands you an envelope with a Best Buy gift card in it. Milk dribbling, you muster a weak thanks over the edge of your laptop screen.
8:32am Wife declares she's going to Target to give you the day to yourself. She conveniently forgets the kids.
8:53am You get the kids dressed and load up the car to head to Best Buy to spend the gift card and probably several hundred dollars extra.
9:17am Realize Best Buy doesn't open until 11am on Sundays. Get laughed at by the kids, who are already begging for lunch.
9:35am Arrive at Home Depot to waste time until Best Buy opens.
11:15am Check out at Home Depot with two carts full of PVC pipe, electrical wiring and power tools you already have, and a cart full of kids still begging for lunch.
11:45am Drive through McDonalds and order off the dollar menu. Feed the kids.
12:35pm Finally arrive at a very crowded Best Buy. Remind the kids not to run off only to have them run off. Track them down at the Guitar Hero display and tell them to stay put.
1:40pm Leave Best Buy with a new hard drive, a motherboard and several new video games, and another season of Babylon 5 to add to the collection.
2:00pm Get home and send the kids out to play. Hook up the new motherboard to the robot, removing the charred remains of the previous one. Decide not to attach the power supply until all connections have been tested and grounded.
2:35pm Get distracted and build a castle out of PVC pipe and aluminum foil. Put three year old down for nap when she destroys the castle and laughs about it.
4:30pm Wake up from nap on couch to children arriving from outside - screaming at each other. Put on referee gloves and diffuse. Return to nap.
4:35pm Wake up from second nap to child poking you in ribs and asking to play Xbox. Agree, and promptly get schooled by the eight year old on NHL 2k7. Then promptly get schooled by the ten year old on Soulcaliber. Then school the three year old on Disney Princesses on the Wii. Victory!
5:30pm Watching re-runs of How it's Made on the Science Channel until dinner time while building a house for Barbie dolls out of Duplo blocks with the three year old.
7:30pm Via text you learn that Wife has been with your mother all day at Target. You are now responsible for dinner. Mac and Cheese for all. Venturing into the kitchen reveals mess left by dog.
7:48pm Suddenly remember to call own father. He tells you he's in the middle of a wild game of Descent and has to go, thanks for calling.
8:11pm Wife returns home with bags full of junk. You mention this and she goes into garage, returns with a handful of cut-up PVC which is promptly thrown at your head.
9:15pm Finally get kids into bed so you can have some alone time... with the Xbox. Shunned wife goes to bedroom to watch Extreme Home Makeover.
10:24pm Flipping channels, find Blade Runner on basic cable. Watch anyways, because it's Blade Runner.
12:17am Wake up in chair and realize you have to work in the morning. Go to bed.
__Happy Fathers day to all the GeekDads out there! __
