With the markets seesawing like some sort of playground equipment that goes up and down, you may be thinking to yourself: "What should I do with the money I have invested in the stock market/sunk into certificates of deposit/hidden at the back of my closet in a box labeled 'anthrax and centipedes'?"
Clearly, traditional investments are no more secure than a Chevy Nova with a plastic sheet for a driver's side window. However, with the amassed intelligence of the online world – the same amassed intelligence that has thoroughly documented all seven forms of lightsaber combat, including Soresu, or "The Way of the Mynock" – surely we can come up with alternatives to stocks, bonds, precious metals and the assorted body parts of edible animals.
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Panicky, unstable times call for panicky, unstable measures. I'm just going to throw some ideas out there and maybe one of them will develop into something that will save civilization and usher us into a new paradise of serenity and comfort. I think it's likely.
No matter what, computers are here to stay. I just don't see us going back to the days when the phrase "that poster is a troll" referred to a Tolkien fanatic's dorm-room decoration. So what better place to put your money than computers? Desktops, laptops, palmtops – invest in anything that sits on top of something else and has a screensaver. Fill your garage and bathtub with all the computers you can buy and you'll have something better than money, food or air. When civilization has been reduced to foraging the ruins of Ikea stores in search of dowels to chew, the person who can play Bejeweled will rule as a god.
It's well-known that "crisis" and "opportunity" are the same word in every language but English. If the economy falls into a lava-filled crevice inhabited by carnivorous flying creatures called "magma bats," it will create a demand for new domains. If you grab "mychildrenneedpenicillin.com" or "soldmyhomeforasinglezucchini.com," you can sell them later for an enormous profit, probably measured in guns or indentured servants.
Time is money, and people always say they don't have enough time. If there were some way to convert money directly into time, then you'd have a recession-proof investment. Maybe you could use tachyons. Or hadrons? Get some science guys on this one. Guys who know science.
American markets aren't looking so great, and the rest of the world is eyeing us like a hiker trying to discern a dead tree branch from a live wolverine. It's not inconceivable that all government currencies in the entire world could simultaneously devalue to the point where people are trying to figure out if $1,000 bills are compostable. However, there are plenty of other forms of money. The upcoming World of Warcraft expansion will no doubt energize the Azerothian gold piece. And no matter how bad things get, 500 Wii Points will buy a copy of Clu Clu Land. Just convert all your cash and holdings to electronic money and wait out the storm.
While property values here on Earth are plummeting, things are looking better and better on Mars. First they found ice, then snow. Who's to say they won't find liquid water next, then breathable atmosphere, then a nice neighborhood with good schools and a health food store within walking distance? Maybe it will happen and maybe it won't. But either way, if you don't own any Martian property, you're going to lose out. Check out my new TV show, Flipping Mars, for tips on how you can buy distressed Martian properties using low-interest loans, then spruce them up and sell them for dollars on the dime! And best of all, you won't be using my money.
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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become an investor, an inventor and an invader.
