I do not, as of yet, own an iPhone. However, soon my cellphone provider will be unlocking the door, shooing away the rats, taking off my shackles and releasing me from my contract.
At that point I will be buying an iPhone. Not because it's a shiny new Jobs-job, not because several of my friends have it and keep waving it at me, but because I clearly need it. I require its functionality for such important business purposes as having an iPhone.
Alt Text Podcast
Download audio files and subscribe to the Alt Text podcast.
In the past, technology has often taken me by surprise. I go over to a friend's house to see this new "TiVo" device they've got ("It's what? Like a VCR? I already have a VCR.") and before I know it, I'm refusing to watch television shows during their scheduled time slots just on principle. I find out about geocaching, pick up a GPS to give it a go, and in no time a stoic, computerized voice is telling me to drive through a 6-foot-wide alleyway on the way to San Diego's only In-N-Out Burger.
This time, though, I'm not going to be taken by surprise. These are my last few weeks before I have an iPhone, and I'm going to make sure I cherish my ignorance.
Right now, I can have a thought like, "I wonder who had a hit first, Chuck Berry or Little Richard?" and allow that question to wander around in my head. Maybe I'll remember it and look it up when I get the chance; maybe I'll just let it go. I suspect that this time next month I'll be pulling over to the side of the road – I hope I'll pull over to the side of the road – to get the answer immediately.
Right now, my friends are not subjected to photos of every "witty" stop sign annotation I encounter. In fact, they can actually hang out with me with no fear of showing up in my Flickr stream with basil in their teeth.
Right now, I do not post to Twitter every time I see a dachshund.
While I long ago surrendered my right to stride the world undistracted by phone calls, right now I at least do not compulsively grab for my cellphone whenever someone friends me on Facebook.
Right now, sometimes I have ideas for columns, and they slip my mind before I can write them down. I like to think they go to Idea Heaven, where they become a much better essay than they would have been if they had been brought to life by my mortal fingers. Once I have my iPhone, none will escape.
Right now, I am capable of referring to my cellphone without actually telling people what brand it is.
Right now, although I sometimes regale my long-suffering non-gamer friends with tales of the latest gear to drop from Kara, I do not actually pull up The World of Warcraft Armory and force them to look at my Cyclone Helm.
Right now, I do not appear to bystanders to be speaking into an ice cream sandwich.
Right now, I rarely, if ever, use the phrase "awesome new app."
Right now, I would be surprised if using the phrase "awesome new app" in public did not result in mob justice.
Right now, I understand that there is absolutely no reason for me to watch an episode of Dog the Bounty Hunter in the bathroom. In fact, I realize that the very fact that this is an option is, in some indefinable way, a sign that our civilization is doomed to collapse in flame and sorrow.
So goodbye, non-iPhone Lore. It's nice having been you in a simpler world. These were the days.
- - -
Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become a telecommunicator, a telecommuter and a teleconverter.
World of Warcraft Masters In-Game Bribery
How to Get Published and Avoid Alien Bloodsuckers
Behold! The Sacred Swordlike Tool of Fire Warriors
