April 2, 2013
In an unexpected move, a federal court today declared Superman a free agent. After decades of legal wrangling among DC Comics and the estates of Superman co-creators Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster, a judge ruled that he would simply release the Man of Steel from any and all agreements, making him the first free agent in the high-stakes world of comic book superheroes.
Speaking from the Fortress of Limited Media Access in Nunavut, Canada, Superman said that he was "pleased" with the ruling.
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"Frankly, all this legal nonsense was just giving me headaches," said Superman, his deep, resonant voice rattling the shelves even over the speakerphone. "My supermind is as fast as a TRS-80 computer, but even I couldn't keep track of all the rights everyone was claiming. Apparently, DC Comics had the trademark, but the Siegels owned half the copyright? Except they didn't own the copyright to my ability to fly? I asked Batman to explain it to me, but he just wanted to talk about this new therapist he's seeing.
"Anyhow, this certainly makes my life easier. Let's just say that DC and I didn't always see eye to bullet-stopping eye on things. Like the whole 'death of Superman' thing. Remember that? The suits at DC handed me a ticket to Cabo, told me to lay low for a while. I told them that tricking families into spending their kids' college money on a gimmicky comic book wasn't exactly truth or justice. They said that it was the American way, though, and I wasn't in much of a position to argue, legally speaking."
Reactions from other superheroes were mixed. Superman's fellow Justice League member Wonder Woman was nonplussed by the announcement.
"Good for him," said the Amazon princess. "But nobody's going to fly in and rescue the rest of us from our contracts. Hell, the only reason DC even publishes my comic is that they don't want to lose my trademark. Girls these days are all reading Magic Sparkle Fighter Amaterasu or whatever. They could care less about my comics. Would it kill DC to just let me go?"
Over at DC's main competitor, Marvel spokesman Stan Lee was supportive of the decision, but deflected questions of whether Marvel would consider making its roster of heroes into free agents.
"I'm sure ol' Supes is having a rollicking time playing the field, but our ever-lovin' lineup of mutants and misfits is pleased as punch and happy as a haymaker to be putting their supernoses to the adamantium grindstone for the macho men and lovely lasses that put together Marvel comics every month for you, true believers! Excelsior! Fin fang foom! By the Hoary Hosts of Hoggoth! It's clobberin' time!"
Lee was then wheeled off by his attendants.
Not all of Marvel's superheroes agree with this assessment, however. One character, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that he would prefer to strike out on his own.
"[Name withheld] no like puny writers. [Aforementioned hero] just want to be left alone! [This particular character] always end up in two-hour brainstorming meetings that not go anywhere! It make [anonymous informant] angry! [Unnamed superhero fearing retribution from corporate higher-ups] SMASH!"
Superman has not announced what he plans to do with his free agency, saying that he's considering his options.
"After 70 years of protecting the innocent from crime and disaster, I kind of want to do something different, you know?" said the man-god in a voice that made this reporter feel safe forever. "Don't get me wrong, heroism will always be in my heart, but after a while you want to branch out. NBC's been asking me to do a talk show, call it Krypton Night. Get it? I told them I wasn't sure I wanted to do a show named after the one thing that can kill me. That's kind of creepy, right?
"Anyway. The point is that there are plenty of heroes willing to take up the slack and fight crime in my absence. They don't really have a choice."
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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become an alien, an aileron and an ailurophile.
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