There are a lot of guys out there on the internet who desperately want to find a woman to share their life with, and who don't want to have to go outside to do it. If you're one of them, you may find yourself wondering why the women you meet in chat rooms, discussion groups and online games have so far failed to love you.
We care, and that's why we're presenting this guide to wooing any female woman girl person who wanders into chat range. Please ogle our tips.
Alt Text Podcast
Download audio files and subscribe to the Alt Text podcast.
- Women like to feel feminine, and what's more feminine than possessing a uterus? That's why it's important to point out, loudly and repeatedly, when someone in your group is a woman. Every time you say, "Hey, there's a girl here!" or "Lindsey2440 is a girl. A real one!," she'll be flattered that you noticed that she's something unique and singular: a female.
- Everyone knows that women don't like guys who are just looking for sex. So make sure that you let her know at the first opportunity that you're looking for a girlfriend. It might be a good idea to point out how long it's been since you had a girlfriend, so she knows you really, honestly want one, or how unfair and mean your last girlfriend was, so she knows you'll really appreciate her.
- It's incredibly important to get to know the real person behind the night elf rogue or witty nickname. Ask for a picture of her, so she knows you care about her as a physical person made of body parts. Another good way to show her you care is to use Google to look up as much real-life information about her as you can, then drop it casually into conversation. A comment like, "I see you take the number 24 bus home from work. How late does that run?" can mean the difference between a lasting relationship and having her block all communications from you.
- You know what's great? Chivalry. Chivalry is great. A long time ago a bunch of guys with horses and swords made up a bunch of rules about how to treat women. If you follow these rules with a woman you like, then she's obligated to like you back. It's the rules! You'll want to watch some movies and play a role-playing game or two to pick up the details, but the most important one is to always call her "milady." There's no better way to say, "I am not the humongous dork everyone thinks I am."
- A fedora. Get one. Wear it in all pictures posted online. Yeah, that's perfect.
- When any woman is brought up in group conversations in any context, whether she's an actress, a doctor or a Supreme Court justice, make sure you point out whether you'd like to have sex with that woman. By doing so, you'll make it clear that you're a discerning person, and your potential online girlfriend will feel flattered that you put her in the same class as an actress with her own reality show, and not some wrinkled old lady judge.
- Let's face it, online communication can be tough, and there will always be misunderstandings. If a woman is turned off or upset by your approach, she'll appreciate you telling her how she should feel. Explain that you've been behaving in a perfectly reasonable manner, and if she's creeped out instead of flattered, that's a problem on her end. She'll be relieved to hear that her feelings are invalid and wrong-headed.
- Now let's address the worst-case scenario: If a woman is bad, then she may not want to date you. She will let you know this by saying that she's only interested in being friends. This is a lie. Women don't go online to socialize and make friends. They go online to do two things: meet a boyfriend and reject everyone else. If they can't see how wonderful you are, both as a person and as a guild leader, then they aren't worth your time. Best to cut things off entirely, demand the return of anything sent (whether real or virtual), and move on to find someone who appreciates you for the sensitive, understanding guy you are.
- - -
Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become a contrarian, a contraindicator and a contraceptive.
Breasts, Violas and Tulips: Alt Predictions for 2008
Easy Ways to End All Diseases Immediately (and Forever)
