It's that time of year again – specifically, the end of it – in which I look back at the year we've left crushed under our wheels and make predictions for the one currently staring into our headlights.
If you've been around for the previous year, you know that I take an approach to prediction that's slightly different from the one taken by my journalistic colleagues who seek such things as "credibility" and "respect" and "making a damn lick of sense."
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Anyone can predict things that are likely to happen – Hey! Apple's going to come out with new iPods! – but my approach is to predict things that are so incredibly unlikely that if any one of them comes true, humanity will be forced to crown me god-king and send me offerings of gold and interesting new liqueurs.
So far, my plans are working out fine, as my predictions for last year completely failed to come true in any useful sense of the word. So hang on to your credulity, because here come my predictions for 2008!
- With Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton battling it out, the Democratic Party urges the two to set aside their differences and combine their genetic material in vitro to create the perfect candidate, who will be aged artificially in a hyperchronal field, just in time to reach age 35 before the primaries. The resulting child, named Hilack Clibama, clinches the nomination but loses to Republican candidate Mikudy Huckliani.
- The success of Rock Band inspires a number of imitation group-effort games, including Improv Troupe, Support Group, Rowing Team and Philharmonic Orchestra. That last comes with 30 electronic instrument controllers and costs more than $1,200, but gets a perfect 10 from Official Xbox Magazine, which describes it as "a game that finally captures the erotic, dangerous mystique of playing viola in a local symphony."
- With the Harry Potter hoopla dying down in the wake of the final book, J.K. Rowling agrees to keep interest up for the last two movies by releasing more tidbits along the lines of "Dumbledore is gay," only more scandalous. However, for some reason, all of her revelations have to do with the Sorting Hat, who we learn is a bigamist with a tragic Scotchgard addiction and a fetish for leather hatbands who once visited Thailand to procure the services of an underage sunbonnet.
- So many young female celebrities release sex tapes and get caught abusing drugs and alcohol that the market, at long last, becomes glutted. Tabloids and entertainment news shows suddenly become obsessed with footage of starlets drinking decaffeinated tea then going to bed by 10, signaling lane changes and being patient but firm with their children. Britney Spears remains on a tragic arc toward an early death, but at least manages to do it in private.
- The One Laptop Per Child initiative is followed up by the No More Than One Laptop Per Adult initiative. Adults who are found in possession of more than one laptop, cellphone, MP3 player or portable videogame system have the extras forcibly taken from them and sold to raise funds to vaccinate orphans. I, personally, have my PSP taken from me and don't notice for eight months.
- The housing market and subprime mortgage industries continue in their free fall, leading to widespread despair and a harsh recession. However, Beanie Babies, "Death of Superman" comic books and Dutch tulips suddenly skyrocket in value, leading to a new ruling class of people who are insufferable know-it-alls.
- The Wikipedia community, faced with competition from Google's Knol project, decides as a group that the only chance for survival is to appeal to the lowest common denominator, and the policy "Wikipedia:Jessica_Alba's_Breasts" is instituted. It requires every article on Wikipedia to contain a picture of, reference to or citation of one or both of Jessica Alba's breasts. This approach is so successful that the rest of the internet just gives the hell up.
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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become a prognosticator, a progressive and a proglottid.
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