Thanksgiving is here. Oddly enough, not everybody looks forward to cooking massive, elaborate meals involving three kinds of potatoes for people they don't really like but somehow ended up related to.
Thus, the rise in Thanksgiving catering. For the low, low price of a whole bunch of money, you can have a full selection of carbs, fats and pies delivered to your very home. No cooking, less cleanup – and if the food sucks, you have a whole bunch of other people to blame it on!
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The idea is so good, in fact, that it makes me a sad little bunny to think that businesses aren't capitalizing on this service area as much as they could. There are all sorts of interesting things you could do with the food and service. So many, in fact, that I might just mention some.
Rather than just helping out people with Thanksgiving dinner, this business will aid them with the single most unpleasant aspect of the Thanksgiving experience: their relatives. Instead of engaging in backhanded compliments, passive-aggressive stuffing passing and silent, resentful chewing, why not resolve your differences once and for all? Trained chef/negotiators will help you and Aunt Irva find common ground while dishing out the candied yams. And if they can't, they can give you a card for a Thanksgiving Dinner and Steel Cage Match service for next year.
These days, every member of your family probably has a different set of parameters for what they will or will not eat. Your daughter's a vegan, your son only eats food grown or raised within 100 miles, your sister is on a live food kick, your brother is still on Atkins, your doctor just told you not to eat anything that would make you salivate, and Pop-Pop Otis insists on an old-fashioned larded turkey with cracklins. Picky Palate Catering uses its patented algorithms to provide the meal that will have the most dishes for the most people while still fitting on your dinner table. (Kiddie table extra.)
Why settle for a turkey when you can have a turducken? More to the point, why settle for turducken when you can have ostemugooturduckenuailinch? That's an ostrich, stuffed with an emu, stuffed with a goose, stuffed with a turkey, stuffed with a duck, stuffed with a chicken, stuffed with a quail, stuffed with a finch. How does it taste? Don't ask! It has a great name, though. And next year, if genetic experimentation goes according to plan, they'll be offering a velociraptostemugooturduckenuailinch.
If turkey is the backbone of Thanksgiving, pie is the heart. And green bean casserole is the thoracic diaphragm, but that's not relevant here. The point is that there's no reason the entire meal can't be pie, starting with cranberry pie and mashed potato pie, moving through turkey pie and stuffing pie and ending up with more dessert pies than you could possibly imagine without going into a coma. Pumpkin pie! Apple pie! Cranberry pie, only now it's sweeter! And every dish throughout the meal is served with a heaping dollop of whipped cream! Every dish!
For the easiest, most pleasant Thanksgiving of all, try the world's only truly full-service Thanksgiving catering. They will cook the food, bring it to your home, eat it, offer each other pie, say, "Oh, no, I'm stuffed," come back in five minutes for the pie, sit down and watch football and/or 40-year-old holiday cartoon specials, clear the table, clean the dishes, then eat turkey sandwiches and turkey scramble for three days. Meanwhile, you and your loved ones are off doing whatever you want, probably separately. What's more appropriate for Thanksgiving than being thankful you don't have to go through it?
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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to apologize for using Steven Spielberg as a reference for the size of velociraptors.
