Team Fortress 2 is a team-based first-person shooter that you can play with strangers over the internet, which is hilarious when you think about it.
Imagine all the people you interact with on the web: the trolls, the jerks, the people who just want to talk about how you don't have to pay taxes because Ohio doesn't really exist. Now imagine giving each of them a weapon and trying to work together. It would make Lord of the Flies look like America's Test Kitchen.
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And yet, it's an astonishingly fun game. I believe that's because each of the nine classes in the game corresponds to a particular type of internet jackass. As long as you pick the right class, you can leverage your misanthropy for the greater good!
Here's a brief guide to help your selection.
Only one class has a big ol' flamethrower: the Pyro. Like a forum flamer, they often lurk, then let loose with burning fury. Like a forum flamer, they're not much on defense, and they usually end up falling under an onslaught of logic and/or bullets. Also like the forum flamer, the point isn't whether you're standing at the end, it's how many you take out with you.
Some people just hang out on forums to withhold information. They don't answer questions, they just hint about where an answer might be found. These people should play an Engineer. Engineers can create handy things like sentry guns, health dispensers and teleporters. If you're lucky, he'll tell you where they are. If not, well, he's not there to hold your hand.
Team Fortress 2: "You're awfully quiet back there. Have you found me that screwdriver?"
Screenshot: Valve/IGN#### The Conspiracy Theorist
If you believe the White House is actually a front for Microsoft, and Microsoft is actually a front for the Masons, then you'll be happy playing a Spy. In this class, you can disguise yourself as a member of the other team, infiltrating them and stabbing them in the back. Finally you can get your revenge on all those people who think the 2004 tsunami was just a natural disaster.
You know who I'm talking about – those guys who live to grab the first post of any thread just to say "first!" Well, these guys are going to love the Scout, a class that can race across the battlefield twice as fast as anyone else. Of course, once you get there you're facing the enemy all by yourself, but at least you were first!
Some people argue, but the blowhard expounds. Not realizing, or caring, that most people just skim long posts, they go on for paragraphs, bringing in everything from Sun Tzu to Sun Microsystems. If that's you, try the Heavy, a slow, ponderous class with a big gun. You might get to the control point after it's been lost, but at least when you get there you'll be noticed.
Why bother contributing to a discussion thread when you can just agree with someone smarter than you? If that sounds like a good idea, be a Medic. You don't have to shoot straight or be spry; you just need to find someone who's a better player than you and follow him around with your healing ray. Best of all, you get credit for all his kills!
Remember Arpanet? Like to post jokes about, or in, Cobol? Don't understand kids these days with their Gopher servers and their GeoCities pages? Well, the Soldier is about as old-school as it gets in Team Fortress 2. You have a rocket launcher. You aim it. You shoot it. Things blow up. And you don't need much strategy, so you don't have to buy one of those tomfool microphone headsets.
The true forum troll's goal is to make trouble for other people while remaining above the fray himself. The Demoman does the same thing with his bouncing bombs and his sticky mines. He shoots around corners and down into battles, blowing up victims while remaining out of sight himself. He doesn't want to face you down, he just wants to make you suffer.
Nothing lightens up a discussion about abortion or genocide more than a well-timed Family Guy quote or Successories parody. The Sniper wields the ultimate punch line: a bullet to the head. Sure, most of your shots go wide of the mark, and your victims probably won't find your attempts as funny as you do, but screw 'em if they can't take a joke. Or a bullet.
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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to get murdered nine different ways on a regular basis.
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