I sometimes feel just a little odd that I haven't given up collecting toys and action figures. Hell, I have more cartoon-themed underwear now than I had in all the years of my childhood combined, thanks to a thoughtful and diligent girlfriend. My collection of little plastic superpowered human beings may not be as vast as it was in the late '70s, but it now contains Sigmund Freud and a nun with a sword, so everything evens out.
When I start to feel weird about my collection, I engage in the time-honored geek tradition of putting down people who are even more obsessive and regressed than I am. Thankfully, there's an entire industry out there dedicated to making me feel better by selling expensive replicas of fantasy movie props.
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Why should I feel bad about spending 12 bucks on a Gimli action figure when someone out there is spending 10 times as much for a full-size replica of his ax? At least I can make action-figure Gimli and Legolas make out. Try that with a three-foot orc-chopper!
Every identifiable Lord of the Rings weapon this side of Samwise's rabbit-skinning knife is available for sale, actually, many of them in full-size and letter-opener forms. I don't think I could use The Sword That Was Broken as a letter opener. I'd be afraid that Aragorn would show up and ask me what the hell I thought I was doing. It's hard to explain to Aragorn that you're using the symbol of his regency over Gondor to see if Capital One is really sending you important information or just trying to get you to use its stupid checks again. The words just don't come.
Having said that, 30 bucks for a letter opener is one of the more sober and reasonable financial decisions to be made when it comes to replica collectibles. You can buy Gandalf's sword and staff, or even purchase his pipe. Seriously. Fifty bucks. And here's the best part: It's nonfunctional! So if you were thinking it would be neat to get totally high using Gandalf's pipe, it ain't happening. You can just buy it and look at it.
Don't think that Lord of the Rings has a lock on collectibles, though. Don't think that! Harry Potter has had two extra movies to showcase potential consumer items. Wands, for instance. You want Harry's wand? You got it! Hermione's? Sure! Ron's? Uh, OK, whatever rocks your casbah. How about Neville Longbottom's? Mad-Eye Moody's? Professor McGonagall's? Who walks out of a Harry Potter movie and says, "Did you see Professor McGonagall's wand? I have to have it! My dog's eating white rice this week, because I'm getting Professor McGonagall's wand if it bankrupts me!"
There are also various ways to identify yourself with any of the four houses of Hogwarts: rings, pendants, bookmarks, that sort of thing. It makes me sad to think of someone spending a hundred bucks to symbolically join house Hufflepuff. That seems to me to be an important milestone on the path to Absolute Dork, when you decide to pretend to be not only a wizard, but the wizard equivalent of the kid who always reminded the teacher when she forgot to assign homework. It's the sign of someone who's so beat down they can't even put together a noogie-free fantasy life.
By this point, those who have neglected to fund their IRAs in favor of buying Lucius Malfoy's walking stick or a Phial of Galadriel are probably getting a bit defensive.
If I've done my job, they're questioning whether having a replica Triwizard Cup reflects well upon them as a person. Hey, I feel for you people, and I have a solution. Just think about the people who buy Eragon replicas. Whoa, now those people are losers!
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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to own five distinct pairs of Simpsons boxer shorts.
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