As Wii bowling leagues pop up in retirement communities across the country and medical researchers find more proof that exercising our minds staves off dementia, seniors are turning to video games in record numbers. Twenty-five percent of gamers are 50 and older, according to the Entertainment Software Association. And they do not intend to stop playing on the day they become eligible for Medicare.
That's not all they're refusing to give up. It's high time our culture let go of the idea that sex -- and tech -- are reserved for the young.
Like mental health, sexual health is a use-it-or-lose-it proposition, and today's seniors have no interest in losing it. Like a love of games and the thrill of competition, sex is not something that we just switch off at a particular birthday.
"Sexuality sometimes sort of melts into sensuality," says Joan Price, the 63-year-old author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty. "But we never outgrow our need for touch."
Seniors are turning to the internet to research how medical conditions and prescription drugs affect their sex lives, and some are beginning to speak up to doctors and other caregivers when their sexuality is dismissed. (According to a 2006 Pew survey last updated in December, 33 percent of Americans 65 and older and 70 percent between 50 and 64 use the internet.)
Ironically, age-related medical conditions can be the catalyst for seniors to challenge old taboos around female pleasure, sex beyond intercourse, and frank discussions about sexual needs and relationships. Sex educators and a small handful of progressive doctors are becoming involved in helping seniors find solutions to physical problems -- which in turn leads to necessary emotional work.
For example, prostatectomies can lead to temporary sexual problems that can wreak havoc with a man's sexual security and sense of attractiveness. As Gerald Haslam writes in Grace Period, a cock ring can help with erections and urinary continence -- and a ring with a soft vibrator can also improve the experience for a female partner.
"For many of us, vibrators are necessary or desirable in both solo and partner sex. Blessed be the man who accepts that," Joan says. "It's really delightful. At this age I think we're the best match we've ever been, men and women."
All this sexual revelation does have a dark side. Seniors are learning the hard way that they are no more immune to the consequences of irresponsible sex than their kids and grandkids (and great-grandkids).
Many seniors don't realize STDs are prevalent in their population. Yet an AIDS Community Research Initiative of America study found that 30 percent of New Yorkers living with HIV and AIDS were over 50 in 2005. New cases of HIV have been diagnosed in people in their 80s.
In response, the New York City Department of Aging is bringing free condoms and HIV testing to senior centers as part of a campaign to educate seniors about safer sex.
"It's startling to me how intelligent seniors are about everything except taking care of their own sexual health," says Price.
Education, as usual, is the key. Price says that some seniors are in denial, but many simply don't know -- they were never taught about sex at all, much less about sex after a marriage ends.
Many women in their late 60s and 70s married the first person they slept with. Now single, they worry that insisting on condoms is a sign of mistrust, as if they're accusing a potential lover of having been unfaithful in his previous marriage. And many older men don't want to use condoms because they say it makes sustaining an erection more difficult.
It's amazing that a person can be willing to accept technology enough to find partners online, to have Wii dates, and to use pills and topical gels that stimulate physical arousal -- yet refuse to take precautions to protect their health. This contradiction isn't limited to seniors, of course. Yet even as we stereotype sex and tech as the province of youth, we expect our elders to be wise and knowledgeable.
But how can they be fully informed about sex, when younger generations still refuse to accept the reality of senior sexuality? You don't even have to have an AARP card for your sexuality to be set aside and ignored. In a recent study of a rare female cancer, two-thirds of the participants -- women aged 40 to 50 -- reported that their doctors never even brought up the subject of sex, even though the patients' genitals were damaged and the women experienced pain during intercourse.
"University of Chicago Medical Center researchers expressed concern that if doctors are not discussing the impact of medical treatment on sexuality under these circumstances, sexual health was even less likely to be discussed in other situations, particularly with older women," intones the press release.
We already have programs set up to teach youth about responsible sex, many of which use websites and text messaging to reach young people. I think it's time we stop acting like older people can't handle new technology, and leverage the internet and other interactive technologies to bring grandparents up to speed on the latest in sexual health. More seniors are scouring the web for this information than you might think.
We could stand to also educate younger people about the changes they can expect in their bodies and in their sexual desires as they age. Sex provides so many benefits for our bodies, minds and hearts, it's a shame that we shroud senior sexuality in secrecy.
See you next Friday,
Regina Lynn
Regina Lynn blogs at reginalynn.com.
