PepsiCo is snug in bed with Microsoft, promoting its exciting new Mountain Dew flavor, "Game Fuel," with a Halo 3 tie-in. The flavor is described on the bottle as "an invigorating blast of citrus cherry flavor," but it could also have reasonably been called "Unbelievably Vileberry," "Piña Colonic" or "Kool-Aid Man's Embalming Fluid."
The soda is a limited edition, meaning that people who collect videogame-themed soft drinks have a reason to live, poor pathetic sots, and that in a few weeks the remaining stock will be shoved off to Big Lots to make room for some sort of holiday-blockbuster tie-in soda.
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PepsiCo does deserve praise, however, for being one of the few corporations striving to make sure that gamers get the empty calories they need. Speaking as a gamer, I can tell you that caffeine and sugar are nearly impossible to find for sale, and what's available is rarely provided in portable, easy-to-ingest form. In fact, here are some more desperately needed gamer-oriented products that I hope to see clogging retail outlets by 3 p.m. at the latest.
As any scientist can tell you, playing a videogame consumes energy, electrolytes and, oh, let's say free radicals. You know, stuff like that. How are you going to replenish the literally dozens of calories that a session of Bioshock or Rainbow Six Vegas burns out of your system?
Frito-Lay comes to the rescue, combining the dexterity-enhancing taste of spicy chipotle with the concentration-focusing power of cool ranch flavor in a single corn-related snack wad. Three or four bags of this and you'll be blasting noobs like never before!
When you're in a dogfight with alien invaders in deep space, you need one thing to keep humanity's hopes alive: absolute comfort! This chair has six layers of "somna-foam" cushioning to prevent pressure sores and hemorrhoids during your 12-hour gaming sessions.
While other gamers are shifting their weight in their seats or even getting up to move their legs once in a while, you'll be able to concentrate all your energy into your fingers. It also has six "Extreme Snack Compartments," a three-gallon soft-drink chamber with built in "Liquid Delivery Conduit," a waste-disposal system I'd rather not talk about, and a built-in defibrillator.
Studies indicate that even in our so-called enlightened age, more than 32 percent of foods do not come with a dipping sauce! Clearly, when you're going head-to-head in an online battleground, the competitor who can get the most flavor out of each bite is going to have the edge. That's where Universal Dipping Sauce comes in.
Using proprietary substances that until recently could only exist for nanoseconds under carefully controlled conditions, Kraft has created a sauce that goes great with any potentially undipped food substance from brownies to beef jerky. The taste can't be described, in part because you'll need Kraft Brand Cybernetic Taste Receptors to even perceive it. But once you have them, you'll wonder how you ever ruled the battlefield without them!
Reebok has been helping people excel on the court, the track and the field for decades, and now it's helping you excel on the console, on the PC and on the server. Unlike most of its athletic gear, which is designed to facilitate actual movement, the Exo-Armor line is designed to enhance the demanding task of sitting still.
The advanced material wicks away sweat, drool and any other substances you might exude, while conforming to fit your body no matter where it bulges. In addition, Reebok's trademark style works to give observers the impression that you might be getting ready to get up and go somewhere, thereby reducing distracting comments from your mom about how it's a nice day outside. Extreme!
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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to discover that the word "cyberathlete" returns over 150,000 hits on Google. Man, that's rich.
