With Harry Potter mania whipping into a light, creamy frenzy, I thought it was time to take an objective look at the various magical spells thrown around in the series. How useful are they to you, the completely hypothetical magical consumer? If you were going to take some night courses in spellcasting, where should you specialize?
These are questions that don't demand answers, and I'm just the one to answer them anyway.
Alt Text Podcast
Download audio files and subscribe to the Alt Text podcast.
Sponsored by Verizon.
Expelliarmus
This seems to be one of the more popular spells in the wizardly repertoire. It's used in wizard battles to try to knock the wand out of the other guy's hand. I find that pretty disappointing, actually. When wizards battle, I want to see people turned into various amphibians and things set on fire. Smacking the other guy's wand just seems like the wizardly equivalent of a slap-fight.
Grade: C-
Lumos
This spell causes a beam of light to radiate from the end of your wand. Yeah, that's why I read fantasy literature, to immerse myself in the magic of a world where you can carry around an object that shines light on things. Oh, Harry, why won't you appear and apparate me away to such an enchanted place? Maybe you can also show me a magical spell that heats up a Hungry-Man TV dinner in four to five minutes, with a quick break in the middle to stir the potatoes!
Grade: D
Riddikulus
Apparently this is a remarkably specific spell, used to turn boggarts into something amusing so that you can laugh, which weakens them. Seems like it would be easier just to get a video iPod with that clip where the guys are having sex with an ottoman. When you're faced with a horrible vision of whatever you fear most – a blood-sucking spider or your mother or a moldy cupcake or whatever – it seems easier to hit "play" than to concentrate on a happy memory so that you can cast this spell.
Grade: C
Imperio (Imperius Curse)
The thing you have to remember about the world of Harry Potter is this: All the cool spells are forbidden. That's why students have to resort to playing broomstick-based sports and eating jelly beans that taste like dirt for amusement. The Imperius Curse puts someone under your complete control, which is the bare minimum I expect from magical spellcasting. Before you get any ideas about me, though, I just like to make people dance the Cotton-Eyed Joe. In a frilly dress.
Grade: A
Expecto Patronus
OK, this is pretty neat. You get to conjure a big, glowing animal to protect you from evil. On the other hand, you're going to be pretty unhappy if you get a lame animal. Say you're being attacked by some dementors out for a lark. If your decision is between having your soul sucked out in agony, or revealing to the world that your Patronus is a yellow-faced pocket gopher, well, I know what choice I'd make, but I've never been that attached to my soul anyway.
Grade: B+
Wingardium Leviosa
This is a first-year spell, the Hogwarts equivalent of algebra. And, like algebra, it's very useful but not very interesting. You lift things into the air. Actually, now that I think of it, a surprising number of wizard spells involve moving things. You lift them, or make them fly toward you, or teleport them someplace else. With all this magical labor-saving, it's kind of surprising that wizards don't weigh 300 pounds across the board. Especially since they drink something called "butterbeer." I can only assume there's a spell called Slimfasta Jennicraigius.
Grade: B-
Avada Kedavra (The Killing Curse)
It kills people, which is boring. If you have access to a wide selection of magic spells, just plain killing someone strikes me as a failure of the imagination. Any decent villain understands the concept of "a fate worse than death." How about a magic spell that makes it so everyone on your block parks right in the middle of a curb section that can normally fit two cars? If some evil wizard threatened me with that I'd give up faster than you can say, "Harry Potter and the Pervasive Inconveniences."
Grade: D+
- - -
Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to be kicked out of Hufflepuff for conduct unbecoming a Beater.
