After returning from Convergence 13 several weeks ago, I was all primed to write an article that would surely have resulted in the most hilarious comments section since the heyday of NetModelReview. I was inspired by the sheer lack of enthusiasm, of even enjoyment, that permeated the single largest goth convention in the United States. The fashion shows (with a few exceptions) were verbatim reruns of the previous twenty years of stretch velour, Sharpied eyebrows, and confusingly high foreheads. Aside from the occasional steampunk or particularly put-together princessa, the costumes of the congoers could have been carbon copied from any page of Google Image Search results for the word "goth". And the attendees were strained, listless, and vacant. They had bought badges and put on their eyeliner because they were expected to. Fun? Creases the foundation, darling.
I was also the youngest person there. There is no resentful younger generation of black-clad spookykids, aching to take their turn in the pit. When teenagers are depressed these days, instead of making a Geocities page with forty iterations of ankhbar.gif and a collection of poetry about their Vampire: the Masquerade character, they get a pair of horn-rimmed glasses and make YouTube vlogs about cutting themselves. Emo, not Goth, is getting the new bad blood.
Now I know what you're going to say. "Goth" was a stillborn bastardof the unholy union between Sid Vicious and Dracula; it's always been"dead" and by god and Lugosi, it will rise again. That is as it maybe. I maintain that aside from a few sadly goateed hangers-on incravats and Doc Martens, goth clubs are no longer populated by goths.
Steampunks, furries, rivetheads, LARPers and any other subculture witha tolerance for fishnet and Wreath of Barbs will show up in theseplaces for lack of anywhere else to go.
Not that I mourn its passing. Au contraire, I only wish thebeheaded fowl would finally flop over, instead of tossing up dust andgurgling in such an embarrassing manner.
What the hell was I talking about? Yes, IKEA. At right, you willsee the latest IKEA blurb, innocently designed only to elicit a giggleand perhaps a click. Little did they know, poor sods, that they wereinviting the Wrath of the Wampire's Web onto their trembling blondeheads. Behold, the internet "subculture" equivalent of flashing yourtwat as you climb out of your limosine:
Badpress? What press? Last time I tried to get a Gothic Beauty magazine(a friend's band was interviewed), the sideswept moppet at Hot Topictold me they no longer ordered the publication because it simply neversold. The mainstream is more concerned about Manhunt
than Marilyn Manson. My dear people, just rest on your cobwebbylaurels. The remaining flappy tatters of the "Dark AlternativeSubculture" are so widely ignored, that even the internet has given upmaking fun of you. There are bigger fish, furries, and Facebookers tofry. Enjoy the silence.
Goths Offended Yet Again [LiveJournal, where else?]
