Welcome to Part Two of my extensive, discerning and almost completely unnecessary review of Spider Man 3 toys that you strap to your wrist. Last week we looked at laser games, darts and some stupid thing with an LCD screen. This week we're actually going to sling things!
Electronic Web Blaster
This device comes with a bunch of little plastic stretchy things that are supposed to be webs but resemble small trivets that might hold an individual-sized soufflé or some variety of piping-hot amuse-bouche. You take one of these things and place it on a hook at the front of the wrist device. You pull it back and, in an amazing display of arachnid-infused prowess, let go. That's it, there's no button or sensor to press. The package shows a child making the international sign for web-slinging with his two middle fingers, but this child is clearly on hallucinogens and is imagining himself playing with a better toy or doing something unspeakable to a turtle.
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So where does the "electronic" part come in? We were promised electrons! Well, when you let go, it makes a web-slinging noise. Or possibly a small, fast, toilet-flushing sound. So there's nothing here you couldn't accomplish by shooting rubber bands on the toilet.
Does It Make You Feel Like Spider-Man?
Rubberbands. On the toilet.
Does It Amuse the Cats?
Too well. I had to discourage one of them from eating the trivets.
Electronic Web-Spinning Blaster
I hope you're paying attention here. That last one was an Electronic Web Blaster, this is an Electronic Web-Spinning Blaster. Nuance!
This is actually two toys in one. There's a modular wrist-mounted blasting unit and two interchangeable "web" units. One holds water, and the other holds pressurized "web-fluid." Let's approach them one at a time, shall we?
Water Unit
This is a big plastic tube decorated in the inevitable red-and-blue spider motif. You fill it with water and snap it on the wrist device. Then, the fun fails to begin! There's a pump on the back and you have to pump it about 18 to 20 times before you can start squirting. If Spider-Man had to take a few moments to prep his web spinners before leaping into the battle, Mary Jane would be sidewalk paste by now.
Now, I want to be fair here. The blaster makes the water streams spin as you press the palm button, which is pretty neat. But it only lasts for maybe three or four seconds before the pressure runs out and it's pumping time again, and anyway, it's just water. There's probably a superhero out there somewhere who squirts streams of water at people, and there's a reason he doesn't have his own movie.
Does It Make You Feel Like Spider-Man?
No. It doesn't even make you feel like Aquaman.
Does It Amuse the Cats?
It's a water gun. What do you think?
Web Unit
This holds a substance usually known as Silly String. Once you've plugged it into the blaster unit and strapped it on, depressing the palm trigger shoots out a beautiful torrent of dull gray string. The three batteries do their part, spinning the nozzle around so that you actually shoot a sort of net-cascade of the stuff. It looks as close to Spidey's webbing as you're going to get without CGI effects, and unlike any other web-substitute I've tested, it actually sticks to walls! Sometimes! Looks like webbing, shoots like webbing, sticks like webbing – I think we've got a winner here. I'm not going to be swinging from it anytime soon, but I was never much of a swinger anyway.
Does It Make You Feel Like Spider-Man?
Yeah! Pretty much! And when I handed it to my girlfriend and she immediately strapped it on and covered me in a soft mantle of webbing, I definitely knew what it felt like to be humiliated by Spider-Man.
Does It Amuse the Cats?
I am too soft-hearted a person to actually shoot it at the cats, but I shot it near them, and they seemed offended.
So there you have it. Of the available web-slinging Spider-toys, the best is the one you never want to give an unsupervised child or mischievous girlfriend. With great playthings comes great responsibility.
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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become a supervillain, a superintendent and a supermodel. Comment on this story.
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