The web provides a vast audience of people aching for entertainment the way chicken tenders ache for dippin' sauce.
Employees avoiding work, students avoiding homework, married people avoiding their spouses, all of them turning to the web for comfort and distraction. Sites like YouTube, tools like WordPress and increasingly cheap hardware make it easier than ever for you to step in and provide enjoyment and inspiration, and reap praise and popularity in the bargain.
The problem, of course, is that creative works are like baby sea turtles emerging from the sand and making their adorable, floppy way to the sea. Their chances of reaching the cool waters of celebrity are slim compared to the chance of being snatched up by the raccoons of criticism or the seagulls of indifference.
No, wait, let's make the seagulls criticism and the raccoons indifference. Seagulls are louder.
The point, the point here, is that if you want to protect your ego, the last thing you want to do is put your creative output out where any bored web wanderer or snarky humor columnist can take a whack at it. At the same time, though, I understand the desire to think of yourself as a sensitive artist or undiscovered genius. Luckily, there's one thing you can do to keep your artist cred without subjecting yourself to criticism, or even examination: Spend money.
The great thing here is that the less money you have, the better this system works. If you've got cash hanging from your earlobes, then you can pretty much buy whatever you want and get to work, but if you're a starving artist – or at least a somewhat peckish artist – it will take a long time to be able to afford the equipment or get your parents to fork it over for various gift-giving occasions.
For instance, if you want to make video clips, you're going to need a camera and a microphone. Sure, you could buy a cheap webcam for 30 bucks or less, but you're a genius; surely your brilliance can't be captured in 640x480 pixels. And once you have a camera, you can't be expected to use the built-in microphone. You're going to have to save up for a ribbon mike and a shock mount. Then there's lighting, mixing, software ... of course it'll take some time to get the money for all this stuff, which is great. That means months or years of being able to talk about your brilliant vision without actually having to put your media where your mouth is.
If you're a graphic artist you might have a harder time figuring out how to build up an expensive enough wish list. Luckily, the forces of capitalism are on your side. To begin with, there's no possible way you can draw without a nice big graphics tablet. Already have a tablet? I meant tablet PC. And it's going to need a lot of power; some last-generation piece of obsolescence isn't going to be able to render your talent correctly.
Writers have the biggest challenge. All computers come with text editors, and many of them come with word processors. You can spend some money on an ergonomic keyboard or something, but your best bet is software.
Dozens of applications are available to give your writing the vitality and authenticity that can only come from an algorithm. There are programs that will check your spelling and grammar – your word processor may have this feature, but dedicated software has to be better, right? – programs that will format your manuscript automatically, and programs that will stimulate your creativity and help with "storyforming." There are even programs that start you out with pre-created characters. How can you possibly progress as a writer until you have a computer program holding your hand the entire way?
So you've finally got all the equipment and software you need. Time to get down to work, right? Not a chance. Everything can be upgraded. With this approach, you might be able to put off actually getting anything done until you're dead, leaving you with a headstone reading "Undiscovered Genius" and a nice inheritance for your next of kin.
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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become an artist, an artisan and an artichoke.
