Deep Inside Kenneth Eng's Brain with His Unpublished Screenplay

Today's obscure literary treat comes to you from the media pundits' current favorite whipping-boy, Kenneth Eng, whose weridly racist columns in *AsianWeek *have everybody from Newsweek to CNN atwitter with liberal indignation. Recently Eng was on FOX show The Big Story with John Gibson, and made an explicit comparison between his racist op-ed pieces and his fantasy writing:

GIBSON: In your column you say, "I hate black people." In an earlier column you said you hate white people. You also said in an earlier column, evidently, I hate Asians. Now why is it you have, I mean, do you really believe that? You hate all those different people?

ENG: Well, I generally hate black and white people, but the Asian article was sarcastic. It's kind of like the sarcasm I had in my novel [Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate], in which dragons slay tons and tons of humans. But this relates to - in the sense that dragons logically follow evolution so they would be able to wield metal.

Now that Eng puts it that way, it all makes sense. That's why it's important that you get my blow-by-blow review and recap of Eng's unpublished screenplay, Oth Dimension. An anonymous tipster sent it in to ToM, after getting a copy from a friend who was interning at a talent agency.

The tale is a simple one: an anthropomorphic praying mantis named Anamantis is a "cognitive insurgent" who lives shortly after the Big Bang in the early universe. Mostly, he goes around using his "cerebral fluid sword" to fight a bunch of monsters: the ultra-dimensional Darkaeons, Hera and Pegusus, and a dangerous fleet of space kittens. After teaming up with Shrodingo, Chaos and a comely lady dragon named Drakoness, he goes in search of ultimate knowledge and the 0th Dimension. Then he sort of merges with the universe, his neurons float everywhere, and he bonds his cerebral fluids with Drakoness (who responds by saying, "Whoa! Intelligence!"). There's nothing like a screenplay with stage directions like "EXT. 0th DIMENSION" or "Animantislooks into [Drakoness'] eyes. He sees a world of frolicsome neurons inside herhead" or "The felines jam a needle down the tarpan's penis."

Read below the fold for tons of choice quotes . . .

We meet Animantis, and:

Fromhis spinal cord emerge cyborganic wires of SILVER CEREBRAL FLUID. Thewires, in turn, coalesce into a sword.

Dude, that is so cool. Seriously. So shut up.

Here's some great dialog:

CHAOS: We've found the anthropomorphismresponsible for the cosmic disruption. Animantis is beginning tocontrol the universe.

HERA: Yet strangely, he is unaware ofit.

PEGASUS: Unconscious of his power. Eee,
hee, hee, hee.

Frequently, when fighting, Eng will say, "Everythinggoes into OMNIDIMENSIONS." We never know what OMNIDIMENSIONS is, but it sounds neat.

There's some kind of quest for the 0th Dimension, but mostly random violence as Animantis is attacked by Hera ("Thegyrating Hera grins as she throws more nebulous junk at [Animantis]."), "anthropomorphisms," and other omnipotent figures. At one point, Animantis' brain cells float out of his head and whirl into the universe. He's surprised, and his companion says, "How did you do that?" Animantis answers, "I don't know." Then, the issue is dropped.

Another great stage direction:

Drakoness,
Schrodingo and Megalodon look into Orion’s eyes. Inside, visionsare visible.

I've always liked a visible vision myself. Then, inside a neutron star, Orion andAnimantis face off:

ORION:
Are you one with the universe?

ANIMANTIS:
The universe has two faces. Not one . . . Themechanics of the subatomic realm differ vastly from the relativity ofthe large-scale universe. Both paradigms are required to describethis Ultimate Reality.

Does this explain why Eng hates blacks? Not really, but we do learn what immortals do when they just hangaround:

Drakonesspractices her archery skills on a moving holographic anthropomorphictarget. Schrodingo and Megalodon imbibe tankards of liquid light.
Schrodingo dives a spoon into a dish of powdered titanium.

Atlast, a love scene:

Animantislooks down [Drakoness'] brain. Through it, he can see all of the nervescoursing through her sleek, reptilian body.

DRAKONESS: See something you like?

Drakoness wraps her tail around hisleg.

DRAKONESS: Have you any unfulfilleddreams?

ANIMANTIS: Your mind needs upgrades.
You can use some intelligence.

They go in search of the “data orb,”
which contains all the knowledge in the universe. Suddenly:

Animantis’
neurons touch the ends of space and become connected to the entireuniverse . . . Animantis’ neuronssuddenly become able to penetrate.

Mmm, sounds good!
Now all that's left is another fightwith the Darkaeons, full of “ggrrrrr” and “arrgggh!”
Animantis is eaten, but luckily a drop of his cerebral fluid goesinto Drakoness' eyes. “Whoa,” she says. “Intelligence.”
She shoots an arrow across theuniverse, which hits Animantis and mingles their fluids. Suddenly,
Animantis finds himself somewhere else:

Where am I? This can’t be...Oh my, it’s the 0^th dimension.

Talk about anticlimax. All he's got for the 0th Dimension is an "oh my"? Whatever. Inside the 0th Dimension, Animantis finds a bunch of universes. He hides behind one, watching aDarkaeon:

[The Darkaeon] slashes the Universe with ablade of dark flame.

UNIVERSE: AAAAHHH!!

Who doesn't like a universe that screams "AAAAHHHHH!"? At last our hero gains control over the 0thDimension, saves Drakoness from Chaos, and tells us the moral of thestory:

You may be alive like everything else in this Ultimate Reality. But I amthe only consciousness. You can’t run from me. I’m everything and I am nothing. I am the 0th dimension.

Engconcludes with a final bizarre stage direction:

Likea god amongst gods, he soars from Universe to Universe, destroyingthe flames that bind them. The 0th dimension ripples like an extension of his body. He is beyondomnipotent.

Wow. I don't know what to say. My head is spinning. Certainly it would have been more fun to watch Eng talk about this shit on FOX than why he hates black people.