By now you've figured out that I'm a total fag. It makes my heart swell with joy when I walk through the Castro district in San Francisco and see all the muscled boys in their tight t-shirts holding hands. So it was with great excitement that I discovered a movie made just for me -- 300, which is probably one of the gayest movies of the last decade. Really, the movie's tagline should have been "Prepare for gloryholes" instead of "Prepare for glory." Don't believe me? Obviously you haven't seen the movie. Here are 10 good reasons why 300 is as gay as it gets:
10. Close-up scenes of men stroking their weapons.
9. Every single Spartan soldier is wearing nothing but a loincloth and has a perfectly hairless, oiled chest that bulges with man-muscle boobs.
8. Voiceover describes the battle as containing "thrusting of swords."
7. Enemy Xerxes walks up behind hero Leonidas, puts his hands on Leonidas shoulders, and whispers in his ear that Leonidas should "bow down" to him.
6. Voiceover explains repeatedly that the Spartan soldiers are "hard."
Lest we forget about the hardness, we are also told that "there is noroom for softness."
5. Very looooooong shot of Leonidas standing buck naked on a balcony at dawn, his perfectly round ass caressed by the light.
4. Leonidas' erect beard, which we see in close-up silhouette everytime he gives a speech, is very long and sculpted and thrusty.
Clearly this is included just to pull in the gay bear audience.
3. Literally every scene includes either penetration or thrusting. Did I mention the thrusting?
2. Only heterosexual character is a deformed, insane, Golem-like creature whobetrays the Spartans just to have sex with some of Xerxes' female slaves.
1. Spartans kick Persian ass in a long, tight crack between two cliffsknown as "the hot gates." Their strategy is to "drive them into thecrack." That's where the "hard" Spartans will get 'em.
Now you know just how gay *300 *is. Why hasn't Naked Sword [NWS] done a takeoff on this movie? I mean, how different do the Spartans really look from the homo beefcake picture on the right there? As Arsenio Hall used to say, there's something to make you go "Hmmmmmm."
