Do not go swimming in Louisiana. Or Texas. And nevermind the KKK's new subaqueous fleet, or the lingering Katrina pollution, or even the newly-introduced Rectaflora beaki (the variegated prehensile duckweed, native to the Congo). No, you have bigger fish to flee.
The alligator gar is hands-down the single most frightening dinosaur inhabiting the American South. Shown here next to Chuck Norris for scale (click for large version), the alligator gar is a primitive freshwater fish that can reach eight feet in length, breathe air and water, has two rows of sharp teeth, and tips three hundred pounds. They have been reported killing and eating alligators, although they usually stick to a diet of crustaceans, smaller fish, and unbaptised babies.
Attacks on adult humans have been reported, but not nearly as frequently as I thought they would be. Instead, I learned in my slackjawed wanderings around various informational pages that the alligator gar is slow-moving and peaceful. It even makes a decent aquarium fish, as long as its tankmates are bigger than the gar.
Because it's a real-life monster, the gar is an unfortunately popular target for sport hunters and fishermen. It's been put on the threatened species list, and seeing photos of redneck jerks crouching over bloody specimens in truck beds just makes me irritated and sad.
To save this amazing animal, I propose an aggressive campaign of breeding and introducing specimens to the larger water traps on Floridian golf courses, as well as Disneyworld hotel pools. This will mitigate Florida's alligator, tourist, and septegenarian infestations in one decisive stroke, as well as buoy the population of this precious fish.
More garpics after the jump.
