Is it OK to check the Web browser history on the computer I share with my spouse? Looking at someone’s browser history is like peering directly into that person’s id. Hello Kitty cosplay sites, eBay tchotchke bids, samizdat dwarf-tossing videos … who knew your loving partner was such a freak?
That said, almost all relationship experts agree that spying on a loved one is a no-no. The Internet is – among other things – a vehicle for exploring new ideas, and, in the home, privacy is a social contract that requires trust. “People deserve a private life even at home,” says Greg Behrendt, host of the relationship TV talkfest The Greg Behrendt Show. “I don’t look at my wife’s phone, I don’t look at her email, I don’t look at her browser history. We’re married, but she should have a life of her own.”
But maybe you didn’t intend to peek. Maybe you were innocently checking your own history. If your surfing is commingled, it’s possible to inadvertently discover that your partner’s been cruising Match.com. In that case, you’re certainly allowed to ask about it. Just do so in a nonaccusing way, cautions Beth Hedva, chair of continuing education at the International Council of Psychologists. “Maybe they’re just using it to stimulate their fantasy life,” she says. “You won’t know until you have the conversation.” The majority of Web sites are surfed for only 20 seconds, and a browser history doesn’t tell you whether your partner is obsessed or idly clicking.
Once you’ve talked, agree on some ground rules. Maybe you’re both OK with peeking. If you’d rather have digital walls to eliminate the temptation to snoop, set up multiple accounts on your shared computer, each with its own password. You’re the sysadmin of your own love life – figure out what type of relationship you want, then configure your network to serve it.
Chatting online is ruining my kids’ spelling and grammar. Should I stop them from doing it? OMG! LOL! The influence of messaging on literacy has become one of the most loaded subjects among grammarians nationwide. Local newspapers regularly hawk tales of students who casually insert l33tspe@k into their essays for English class – then act stunned when the teacher hands them their ass. Wht is ur problem w/ the way i write, l@merz? “This to me looks like a devolution of language,” says Silvio Laccetti, a social sciences professor at the Stevens Institute of Technology in Hoboken, New Jersey. “The language that students use seems to be getting more simplistic, unable to express anything complex.”
Hold on. Research suggests these fears are thoroughly overblown. Sali Tagliamonte, a linguistics professor at the University of Toronto, recently concluded a two-year study in which 71 teenagers logged their IM sessions and handed them over for lexical analysis – nearly 1.2 million words of teenspeak. Her findings? Those dreaded IM short forms accounted for a tiny percentage of the words the kids used. Another study of IMs at American University found that out of 11,000 words, a mere 171 were misspelled. Ironically, the students appeared to be slightly more careful about spelling in their chat sessions than they were in formal essays written for school. And why not? Screwing up a paper is survivable; looking like a tool in front of your posse is suicide. “When people hear about my findings, they simply don’t believe it,” Tagliamonte says. “Adults think that what kids are doing in instant messaging is inherently a bunch of crap.”
To be fair, this issue is deeply philosophical: Is it possible to express – or even have – complex thoughts in noncomplex terms? (Ever read Hemingway?) Is IM speech syntactically or grammatically less complex than standard English? Maybe we’re witnessing the genesis of a language. Regardless, it’s worth explaining to your kids the importance of code switching. Just as they shouldn’t swear in front of Grandma, they shouldn’t use shrt frms on a résumé or any other document intended to impress the fortysomething set, where conventional grammar still rules. Otherwise, that sweet entry-level job offer? CUL8R.
How do I stop my friend from posting embarrassing videos of us on YouTube? Ask nicely. If that doesn’t work, employ a stronger form of persuasion: blackmail. Get your friend crazy drunk and record some clips, then threaten to release them online. “A friendly reminder that you know his mother’s email address and his girlfriend’s AIM screen name might be a quick way to lower the threat level to yellow,” says David Hauslaib, founder of the gossip blog Jossip.
Think of it as antisocial networking.
– Clive Thompson
Need help navigating life in the 21st century? Email mrknowitall@wiredmag.com.
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